Tag Archives: Venting

Anxiety that does not matter, stuff that does matter

Had an unusual thing happen today. I had a panic attack. Now, some of you are confused, but let me explain.

I had a panic attack and it did not matter. Calling it a panic attack is an overstatement in every sense of the word. It was an anxiety spike.

What did I do to said spike? I broke it. I silenced it. It is properly dead and buried. I’m laying down for the night and I’m listening to Dio’s Rainbow in the dark. I have to agree with the song. My demons are gone. They do not trouble me anymore.

Now, my rant.

I thought after what happened in Florida, I would be a wreck, but I’m not. Not trying to lessen what happened in Florida, but I feel good about this reaction.

Simply put, I was a person, in my teen’s, that was sympathic towards the shooter. I am in no way shape or form like that now, but my teen’s were a dark time for me.

I condemn what happend, but I am also realistic that nothing more can be done by me. I registered to vote for my new address and I am, unfortunately, resigned to the fact that it will happen again. I hate that more will die.

After inaction after Sandy Hook though, nothing will change. Nothing.

I hate politics, but I have decided to become a lot more active politically. I want to see the change that my generation can bring in.

It is not just a gun issue, same for mental health. It’s a moral issue. (I have to credit a writer for the Snapper for letting me edit an article of his for this perspective.)

America is sick and it needs to change. Not just one law banning bump stocks or something of that nature. We need reform. We need to take our country back. We need to break the stigma that our generation, the millennials, are useless, entitled, crybabie. Dammit, 17 people are dead. They are not coming back and that pisses me off.

Nazis, white supremacists, alt-right, and many other fringe groups have a choke hold on our country and I’m sick of it. I hate that a massacre had to happen to wake me up and get me angry.

I swear, things will change in this country. It’s about survival now and we need to get our heads back in the game. Stop being entitled. Stop acting like your better for whatever stupid reason you have. White people are not the best, neither are blacks, Latinos, Asian, gay, bisexual, what have you. We are all human and we need to come together and not hate each other.

Thanks for reading.

Lack of Motivation is crippling

I want to do all kinds of things, but I do not do them. Why is that? There is a complete lack of motivation in me right now. That is part of the reason I have not posted in awhile. I do not know what to write about. I wish I did, but I am out of topics currently. I talk about autism a lot, and I talk about anxiety a lot. Those are two topics that I have covered.

I stumbled upon a concept called the seven dimensions of wellness. Thinking of doing a post on that once I sort out my thoughts now that I bring it up. Wellness is something that I need to concentrate on for myself. Without the motivation to do so, I have not even bothered taking care of myself. All I have been doing for the past few days is feeling sorry for myself.

I was at a friends house for July fourth and I had a lot of fun. As soon as I left I got depressed. The whole weekend was a way to avoid my personal issues. I need to address these issues now. How do I go about that though? Everything is personal and I am not comfortable talking to others about it. Even my family does not hear about this part of my life.

To be honest, I think I am bored. Maybe if I used something like Mind Sumo or some other kind of intellectual website I would do better. It is unknown to me. I need to address the seven parts of wellness. If I would focus on them, I would do better. The main question that is in the back of my mind is, “What’s the point?”

I have a desire to live, but I do not have a desire to excel like I usually do. The fire that was inside of me is all but gone. Wanting to just make it through the day is not healthy. I feel like I need to make a difference in the world. Not all in one day, but I want my words to touch multiple people all over the world. Writing this post is helping, however.

It is surprising how strong of a coping skill my writing is. I need to further nurture this. Re-reading the paragraph prior to this was eye-opening. I realized that my writing motivates me. With that knowledge I am going to try to write daily. Whether it be on this blog or the blog for my internship.

Working on this post is helpful. With three revisions with increasing positive vibes coming from them was great. I am going to start writing creatively again. That is one skill that I have found lacking in my latest pieces.

Well, I am going to go write a short story. Thank you for reading. I will post again tomorrow!

 

I’m worn out, and it’s only Monday, I think

I am tired of being tired, but I have no idea how to not be tired. Being someone who cares a lot about a lot of different things, this should not come as a surprise to me. Getting emotionally invested in something can be rewarding, but also tiring.

What to do?

There are a few steps that I can think of that I can take. Number one being letting some stuff go. I am invested in a variety of things and may be stretching myself too thin. Organizing my time would also be helpful. My timekeeping skills are good, I just need to be practical when scheduling out my day. To be honest, I need to start doing that on paper, not just in my head. I have no self discipline and I need to teach myself how to respect the timer.

Using a timer would be of great benefit to me. I need to know what time it is all the time anyway, why don’t I just use a timer for my activities. I don’t think it would be hard to implement. Like I said above, I just need to respect the timer. When it goes off I need to look at my schedule and do the next thing. It will be good for the sake of efficiency. Which is also a thing that is making me tired.

Efficient, but what work do you do?

Sometimes I am told desk work is not real work. I don’t think I could get it through the people who say this head’s that desk work is still work. It does not have to be physically taxing to be considered work. At my internship I feel like I get what I need to get done, done and then I meticulously proof-read and edit. This needs to be applied to my everyday life.

That brings me to a question. What do you guys feel the quality of my blog is? Is it helping you or is it just a glorified journal for me?

Back to the topic at hand, I know that I can be efficient, but for some reason I cannot be at home. I do not know what my problem is here that I cannot commit to being efficient. This might be something worth looking into. At my internship I am know what needs done and I do it, but at home I have no direction, so I end up playing games way too much. I am not saying games are bad, but I have put too much time into them lately.

Physical Symptoms?

I am aware of the physical symptoms attached to weariness, and I have most of them. It is something that I am working on and something I hope to update you guys on soon.

Physical stuff is factor, there is no doubt there, and I know what needs to happen for all of those contributors to go away.

With that said I am going to go to bed now, I started writing this around 12 last night, so I am tired. Have a good day!

 

Cracks in the numbness

Over the past week, as some of you may know, I have been through a lot. I posted yesterday about it and I think I divulged that I was feeling numb. While this is still true, I want to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I talked to a very good friend of mine and I was given advice. I feel the advice was insightful and I appreciate it a lot.

I have also been having really bad sleep patterns lately too. I would go to sleep well past midnight and wake up early. I came up with the excuse that it was just school anxiety and that excuse was partially true. I have been successful in dropping my math course though. It was causing a lot of issues for me, and I just lobbed all of my anxiety under that.

The fact that I have been under so much stress is probably a main contributor to my issues of late too. I have been depressed, anxious, paranoid and scared.

I know that I need to move on and prepare for my internship and classes this summer. I think that distracting myself from these current problems will help greatly, but I know that I need to address them eventually. Like the namesake of this website states, this is a trial for me. One that I feel that I have initially failed, but I know that I can rebound. I hope that the person that I hurt is able to as well. I will not stop loving her, but I will stop pestering her all the time.

That is what I did majority of the time now that I look back on it. I talked to her a lot, but it was always about me. She wasn’t getting the care she needed. I thought that maybe opening up to her about my situations would help her open up to me, but I took it too far in my own care. I know that to be healthy you have to take care of yourself first, but I do not think this needs to be at the expense of others. That is what I did.

I look back at my behaviour and know that I never intended to hurt her. I was very insensitive though. I feel very badly about it too, but I cannot let it hurt me anymore. I know that may sound selfish, but I am in a bad place right now and I need to become stable. I need to regain my sanity, and I need to become whole once again. My numbness is an issue that needs to be addressed and the only way that I can do that is by working with my support network.

I have appointments set up and I want to let all of you that took the time to read this that I appreciate you reading. What I also want to say is that with this trial I hope that all parties involved have become stronger. I do not feel stronger now, and I do not know how she feels right now, but I hope we can continue to be friends.

Why Do People feel insulting others is helpful?

I hear stories all the time that people are insulted by others. Some say it’s just the “real world,” but I cannot accept that. I cannot and will no longer accept that people are cruel. I believe that we as a people are a sadistic race. We crave blood, guts, and feel pleasure from others suffering. You could say, “I am not like that! I would never!” 

Your lying. America, no, the whole world is lying to itself and I have had enough. I do not care what defines you as a person, you have the right to be that person. Gay, black, female, person with a disability, anything, it does not matter. It shouldn’t matter. 

Yet, here we are, and it does matter. I have no comprehension why. Why do humans have to be superior? I don’t get that at all. “I’m white, over 21, yada yada.” It seems wrong to me that everyone has privilege now a days. White people in America seem to be the worse, but seeing that the only country I have ever been to outside of America is Canada, I have no right to include people from Europe in that statement. Or people from all across the world in fact. 

I am exercising my privilege just by writing what I just wrote. 

It sickens me. I am angry that humans are like this. Why are we like this? Not just white people either. Everyone seems like this. 

I am looking for answers to a question that cannot be answered. That is because no one is willing to accept the blame on this one. I won’t even accept the blame. I think I am helping by writing this, but this will upset someone and I gain pleasure from that. Even if the pleasure is unintentional. I am venting right now and it will backfire on someone. I apologize to that person or persons.

I am just so fed up with humans. I am fed up with cruelty and hate. I can’t do anything by myself and I can’t expect everyone to suddenly agree with me and try to help. No one agreed 100% ever.

I will close by asking for transparency by all. We as a race need ir.