Tag Archives: Self Help

My anxiety makes it hard to believe

I suffer from extreme anxiety. I think a lot of people know that, but I do not think a lot of people understand what that actually means. With anxiety it is hard to explain, but I think that I am going to try today.

Anxiety, for me, is sweating, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fear, paranoia, and despair. I experience all of these symptoms at the same time in varying degrees. It depends on the type of anxiety for the intensity of each symptom. Now I want to look at the non-physical symptoms closer.

Fear – I become afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid that everyone that I know is going to leave me because they know I am a lost cause. I am afraid that the people that are in my life hate me, I am afraid that I am actually worthless and a lost cause. I am afraid that I cannot do it. That I will not succeed, that I will never be accepted because of my issues, that I cannot be happy. That the affection that I show is never understood and that I am not a good person. That I am actually evil and I really want to kill people. I am afraid of relapsing and going back to the hospital. I am afraid of killing myself. I am afraid that I will kill others. I am afraid that I will hurt others, cripple them, maim them and disfigure them.

I used to have these thoughts and I hate myself for what I did during those parts of my life. I do not want to be like that anymore. I may joke about it now, and I know it is horrible to do so, but that is my way of coping with not becoming that. I used to come up with plans to kill. They were methodical and disturbing. I dedicated too much time in my life on that and I do not want to ever be like that again.

Paranoia – This one is a lot like the fear, but it is more immediate. I feel like I am going to be attacked or something of that nature. I feel like the earth is going to explode because of something that I did. I feel absolute terror that I did something terribly wrong. I will stop whatever it is that I am doing and retreat into myself and it is hard to get me out of this.

Despair – This one is a combination of the first two. It is the hardest to put into words as well. Depression sets in when this happens. A lot more anxiety follows along with many other things. Such as Suicidal Ideation and homicidal ideation. I want to make it clear that the last two are hardly ever an issue that I deal with and if I were to deal with them, I would get the right help that I would need. I have a crisis plan and I will enact it if necessary. I am stable enough in the mind to see these symptoms and call for help when I need it. Thankfully I have not needed to do this for six years. The last time was when I was 19 and I am now 25. The despair that I feel now is a combination of fear and anxiety that I will revert to what I described above. Every time that I experience an extreme amount of anxiety I get to the point where I despair over this.

All that I have described has become a draining experience and unfortunately I have been experiencing this every day for the past few days. Despite this I will persevere. I just need a long pep talk from someone who understands. I am trying to find that someone. Part of the reason I am posting this today also. As I said in a post earlier this week, I need to rely on the support network that I have built for myself. It is very large and I need to take advantage of it.

I do not want anyone to worry about me. If you want to help me, make contact. Talk to me, and I will talk to you. It means a lot that you would take time out of your day and help me. It means the world to me and it is happening more often lately. I am really happy to say that too. There are a lot of caring people in my world and I am proud of those who have helped me.

This semester at school has been trying and sometimes impossible to deal with. I am thankful that I am able to stay on campus though. I think that I need the social interaction that I am getting. It has proven itself to be invaluable in opening my shell up. The shell is still there, and it will take a lot more to break it.

Thank you for reading the whole thing if you got this far. Sorry, I tend to ramble on. Like I said though, if you want to talk, I am always available. It doesn’t have to be about anything either. If you just want to vent I am here. I listen a lot better than I talk, and I want to offer that service to others. This may seem to be odd to some of you though. Why would helping others help me? It is quite simple actually. I need to help, I need to know that I have a purpose. Helping others is that purpose. Thanks for reading.

I cannot think about what to Write

Writing is one of my best outlets for anxiety and depression. I have wrote about it so much for the school paper, for this blog, and in my personal stuff. I don’t know what to write about anymore though. I guess I could turn the page into an activist page for autism, but the scope, I believe, is too narrow. I want to include all people with disabilities if I were to do that.

I don’t want to write exclusively about Star Wars either. I love Star Wars, but that doesn’t help you, the reader. I want to help people, as I have said in many posts. I just do not know what else I can do at the moment.

I guess I could let you all know my numbers for the day. What I mean by that is making a scale of my various emotions. I think that if I examine each with you guys, I could gain some insight as to why I feel the way I feel.

Lets start with the usual ones for me. Those being depression, anxiety, and fear. My depression would be a 2/10 right now. My anxiety is 7/10 and I am not experiencing any fear at the moment. What I am experiencing right now is a weight on my shoulders I cannot seem to shrug off.

With this weight I have become tired and I doze off a lot lately. I am dozing off just trying to write this. Its nine in the morning, and I feel like going back to bed. I do not know if I am comfortable letting you guys know what this weight is. I know if I said anything it would hurt those involved and I do not want that to ever happen.

I just finished re-reading this post before I published it and I apologize for the rambling. It was therapeutic for me though. Now I am going to go start my day and hope for the best.

The Crest Method

I have a way that I deal with panic attacks that I am going to outline here. I hope it helps some people. I know it helps me.

What I do is when I feel myself having a panic attack I stop what I am doing and I start counting to 90. I believe that to be the length of time that a panic attack physically lasts. Once I get to 90 I take stock in myself. I check my thoughts and see where they are. Then I realize that the panic attack is over and I get on with my day. I know I make it sound easy, but it is a lot more complicated than that.

I am constantly trying to figure out ways to stop and manage my panic attacks and this is one of the many techniques that I use. I hope you can use it to help yourself.



True words that need to be reminded

“Treat others the way you would want to be treated.” You probably remember this from grade school and earlier. I know I do, but what this post is about is the long term application of those words. 

People seem to forget those words. I overhear a lot while I sit in public areas. Sometimes it makes me feel ashamed, but sometimes it makes me proud. At the moment, all I feel is shame. I am sitting in a high traffic area and I am hearing a lot of derogatory slurs and insults and I have no idea why. 

I honestly do not see a point to it. If you have a problem with me, or anyone for that matter, I would want you to bring it to the person responsible. I am not saying that to sound confident or tough. I just want to solve the problem with you. As I am sure others would too.

There is no point saying cruel things to others. It solves nothing and it is demeaning to that person. I, myself, need to make changes and I realize it. I need to be transparent. More so than already. All of us need improvement, and I think we can all help each other. Check each other and keep yourself in check. Be respectful and respected. Most importantly, if you are in conflict, be peaceful, understanding, and civil. Don’t insult each other and be at peace with yourself. It’s really simple. Think about it.

Emotional Turmoil in School, my room, Everywhere

Recently, I have been under a lot of stress. I have been experiencing a panic attack a day practically, and I have been depressed. I have had a lot of anxiety and I have been feeling lonely. All of these things have been feeding on each other and it is hard for me to even want to go to class as a result.

The thing that I have done this week to overcome all of this is a technique that I was taught recently that really works.

The technique is as follows. I was told that physical symptoms from panic attacks last around 90 seconds. That is the essence of the technique. Get past that 90 second mark. I am happy to say this one works for me, but I caution the reliance on it. It is very tiring. What I do is I focus on my breathing. I focus on where the air is in my body. It is a technique ingrained  in mindfulness. That is why the technique works so well for me. I am, as a result of living with panic for 10 years, a master at recognizing my own symptoms.

Panic attacks have these symptoms for me:

  • Shortness of breath
  • Chest Tightens
  • Extreme fear
  • Sweating
  • Racing Thoughts
  • Sensory Intake increase

When I feel these things happening, I know a panic attack is not far behind. The thing that bothers me about my panic attacks nowadays is that they have adapted to happen at inopportune times, like I stated above. Usually right before any of my classes, but especially math and Typography. I get absolutely terrified that something completely illogical is going to happen. One time, just to illustrate the point, I thought the world was going to end. (Political climate notwithstanding) Another time, I was convinced that asteroids were on their way to surgically strike the planet to herald an alien invasion. Just to name a few of the completely illogical and unwarranted fears that I have when I have panic attacks. I know that they are not going to happen. It is far more likely that I am just having a panic attack and I am overreacting to my racing thoughts.

That is something else I want to cover in this post. I want feedback on this as well. I have panic attacks daily and I have grown so used to to them that I think I take them for granted and I dismiss the severity of having a panic disorder. Do others experience panic attacks to the rate that I do? I really want to know so we can compare notes and figure out why mine are so frequent. I think I know the answer, and it is in part because I am autistic, part because of my social phobia. It makes logical sense, but there are holes in the theory.

For instance, I have them even when I am not in a large crowd or semi large group of people. I have them when I am alone. I have them randomly and I have them triggered. I am just wondering what others feel and what the rate is.

Thanks so much for reading! Please leave me comments! I want to hear from you guys!