Tag Archives: Mindfulness

My fear of Failure has Manifested today

I know that the title of the post sounds ominous and cryptic, but I want to let you know that the content is more of a revelation. A rebuilding of myself that I can only express through writing. I am not good at talking so I resort to this. A social media platform that lets me voice my concerns. After the last post, that I have deleted, was published I faced lashback that I justly deserved. I painted my family as monsters and I want them to know I am sorry. I cannot say that though because I am currently having passive panic attacks. My anxiety is easily 20/10 and my depression is not far behind. My paranoia is very high and my fear is also high. I have myself shut up in my room hoping that I can get this all type before I lose my gumption. I am terrified right now that I have failed as a person and I am not worthy of anyone’s praise or admiration.

The reason I am terrified is because of my social anxiety. It seems it has developed to extend to my family. I am loathe to say this because it hurts me deeply and I feel horrible about it. They are my biggest supporters and I could not have gotten this far without them. I am thankful to have them. They have their quirks, just like I have mine. My last post hurt them and I am sorry that I let my anger control me. It was not righteous anger, it was malicious anger that I have been bottling up for the duration of my college stay.

College is what made me angry, not my parents, not my grandparents and certainly not my brother. I wanted to hurt them and I am terrified that I have burnt a bridge that cannot be easily repaired. I need to earn back their trust. I know I do not deserve that though. I feel, right now, like a horrible person. I blew up things way out of proportion and forgot all that I have. I am not used to being angry though. The excuse probably sounds hollow to a lot of you, but I rarely get angry and when I do, stuff like this happens.

One last time I would like to apologize to my family. They did not deserve what I did to them. I am sorry.

While we are on the subject of anger I want to also examine my anger and go over it. I want to delve into what made it tick and I want to try to prevent it from happening again. I need to get angry more I think. I need to get riled up and I need to do something about it at the time it happens and not rant about it on a WordPress blog months later.

I want the parties that I discuss to understand something before I do this though. This is in no way to make you look bad; I just need to do this for my own sanity. Just thirty minutes ago I would say I was suicidal. I am not saying that to scare anyone; I just want you to understand the severity of what I have went through today and days before. I will not use names and I will try my best to be vague with descriptions. I am sorry if this is too much, I just need to do this.

Also, please understand something about autism. It is a developmental and social hindrance to those who have it. I will not say disorder, because that makes it sound like it is something wrong. It is in no way wrong to be autistic. No one chooses to have autism, no one is happy having autism. Not to be confused with the fact that those with autism are not happy. I do not want to lob all the people with autism into that, but we are people just like everyone else. We have feelings, thoughts and faults. I, myself, have a lot of faults. Or should I say quirks? Either way there are things I do in how I act that are not up to snuff.

Back to the anger bit. I have not been truly angry since I was 19, which was six years ago. Back then I was attending a community college and I was doing good grade wise. I had not had to drop out at that point yet either. This was two years before that. I had been in a mental institution the summer prior and I was doing very well for myself. Then I kind of met someone. When I say kind of I mean through the internet and through texting. I will not disclose her name. I talked to her for what seemed like a lifetime and I fell in love with this person. Now note this is all when I was 19 so I really had no concept of love at the time, but at that time I was hooked on this girl. I never got to physically meet or hear her voice though. This was something that put a great strain on our relationship. I wanted to meet her very badly and I never got to. She cut things off before things got too far and I was devastated. She was very sick though and she was going to Europe to get medical treatment. I understood from that perspective, but like I said I was devastated.

Being the person I like to think of myself as I was very concerned and wanted to keep contact while she was in Europe. We had one message and I never heard from her again. It has been six years since that happened. In the ensuing year I found out things in a sequence of events that practically destroyed me. It was the second time I tried to kill myself. As a result of what I am about to tell you.

I thought she died. In my head, which was very irrational at the time, I thought she went to Europe, could not get the medical help she needed and that she died. I was heartbroken and, like I stated earlier, tried to kill myself. This was a year after so I was 20 at the time. What actually happened is hard for me to believe, but it is the only sound conclusion that I can come to. I was lied to. The first girl never existed and was only a fabrication to turn me into a sort of plaything. I do not know if it got out of control and the second girl tried to get me to stop being obsessed with the now in question reality of the first girl. She might have done this out of regret and came up with the Europe story. The reason that the first girls reality came into question was because of my obsessive behaviour. I was messaging the first girl’s telephone number practically everyday and I was not stopping for about five months. I was getting very concerned that the first girl was not in good shape so I did something only a irrational mind could think up. I reverse called the number. I found out exactly where the texts were originating from and I was devastated with the result. They were coming from where the second girl lived. Now this is all speculation for what I am about to say after this, but the above is fact as I know it.

I think I was played. I was very angry when I found out about this, and I was also suicidal as a result of it. I do not know if it is right to blame the second girl for what happened to me as a result of my suicide attempt, but I went to the hospital for something else and just got through my suicide attempt with the help I got there. But I never told them I tried to commit suicide while I was in there. I was under the falsehood that I needed to protect the first and second girl.

That was a lot. Maybe too much, but talking about that has lifted a heavy weight from my soul. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. This whole year at college has been miserable for me. I know why now. I am not comfortable sharing that at all, but I think I have made more progress with this post than I have in a long time. I finally got all of that off of my chest. So unlike the title states, consider this post a manifestation of my success and a increase in my understanding about myself.

Also, please let me be for the time being. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to do it alone.

Cracks in the numbness

Over the past week, as some of you may know, I have been through a lot. I posted yesterday about it and I think I divulged that I was feeling numb. While this is still true, I want to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I talked to a very good friend of mine and I was given advice. I feel the advice was insightful and I appreciate it a lot.

I have also been having really bad sleep patterns lately too. I would go to sleep well past midnight and wake up early. I came up with the excuse that it was just school anxiety and that excuse was partially true. I have been successful in dropping my math course though. It was causing a lot of issues for me, and I just lobbed all of my anxiety under that.

The fact that I have been under so much stress is probably a main contributor to my issues of late too. I have been depressed, anxious, paranoid and scared.

I know that I need to move on and prepare for my internship and classes this summer. I think that distracting myself from these current problems will help greatly, but I know that I need to address them eventually. Like the namesake of this website states, this is a trial for me. One that I feel that I have initially failed, but I know that I can rebound. I hope that the person that I hurt is able to as well. I will not stop loving her, but I will stop pestering her all the time.

That is what I did majority of the time now that I look back on it. I talked to her a lot, but it was always about me. She wasn’t getting the care she needed. I thought that maybe opening up to her about my situations would help her open up to me, but I took it too far in my own care. I know that to be healthy you have to take care of yourself first, but I do not think this needs to be at the expense of others. That is what I did.

I look back at my behaviour and know that I never intended to hurt her. I was very insensitive though. I feel very badly about it too, but I cannot let it hurt me anymore. I know that may sound selfish, but I am in a bad place right now and I need to become stable. I need to regain my sanity, and I need to become whole once again. My numbness is an issue that needs to be addressed and the only way that I can do that is by working with my support network.

I have appointments set up and I want to let all of you that took the time to read this that I appreciate you reading. What I also want to say is that with this trial I hope that all parties involved have become stronger. I do not feel stronger now, and I do not know how she feels right now, but I hope we can continue to be friends.

My anxiety makes it hard to believe

I suffer from extreme anxiety. I think a lot of people know that, but I do not think a lot of people understand what that actually means. With anxiety it is hard to explain, but I think that I am going to try today.

Anxiety, for me, is sweating, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fear, paranoia, and despair. I experience all of these symptoms at the same time in varying degrees. It depends on the type of anxiety for the intensity of each symptom. Now I want to look at the non-physical symptoms closer.

Fear – I become afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid that everyone that I know is going to leave me because they know I am a lost cause. I am afraid that the people that are in my life hate me, I am afraid that I am actually worthless and a lost cause. I am afraid that I cannot do it. That I will not succeed, that I will never be accepted because of my issues, that I cannot be happy. That the affection that I show is never understood and that I am not a good person. That I am actually evil and I really want to kill people. I am afraid of relapsing and going back to the hospital. I am afraid of killing myself. I am afraid that I will kill others. I am afraid that I will hurt others, cripple them, maim them and disfigure them.

I used to have these thoughts and I hate myself for what I did during those parts of my life. I do not want to be like that anymore. I may joke about it now, and I know it is horrible to do so, but that is my way of coping with not becoming that. I used to come up with plans to kill. They were methodical and disturbing. I dedicated too much time in my life on that and I do not want to ever be like that again.

Paranoia – This one is a lot like the fear, but it is more immediate. I feel like I am going to be attacked or something of that nature. I feel like the earth is going to explode because of something that I did. I feel absolute terror that I did something terribly wrong. I will stop whatever it is that I am doing and retreat into myself and it is hard to get me out of this.

Despair – This one is a combination of the first two. It is the hardest to put into words as well. Depression sets in when this happens. A lot more anxiety follows along with many other things. Such as Suicidal Ideation and homicidal ideation. I want to make it clear that the last two are hardly ever an issue that I deal with and if I were to deal with them, I would get the right help that I would need. I have a crisis plan and I will enact it if necessary. I am stable enough in the mind to see these symptoms and call for help when I need it. Thankfully I have not needed to do this for six years. The last time was when I was 19 and I am now 25. The despair that I feel now is a combination of fear and anxiety that I will revert to what I described above. Every time that I experience an extreme amount of anxiety I get to the point where I despair over this.

All that I have described has become a draining experience and unfortunately I have been experiencing this every day for the past few days. Despite this I will persevere. I just need a long pep talk from someone who understands. I am trying to find that someone. Part of the reason I am posting this today also. As I said in a post earlier this week, I need to rely on the support network that I have built for myself. It is very large and I need to take advantage of it.

I do not want anyone to worry about me. If you want to help me, make contact. Talk to me, and I will talk to you. It means a lot that you would take time out of your day and help me. It means the world to me and it is happening more often lately. I am really happy to say that too. There are a lot of caring people in my world and I am proud of those who have helped me.

This semester at school has been trying and sometimes impossible to deal with. I am thankful that I am able to stay on campus though. I think that I need the social interaction that I am getting. It has proven itself to be invaluable in opening my shell up. The shell is still there, and it will take a lot more to break it.

Thank you for reading the whole thing if you got this far. Sorry, I tend to ramble on. Like I said though, if you want to talk, I am always available. It doesn’t have to be about anything either. If you just want to vent I am here. I listen a lot better than I talk, and I want to offer that service to others. This may seem to be odd to some of you though. Why would helping others help me? It is quite simple actually. I need to help, I need to know that I have a purpose. Helping others is that purpose. Thanks for reading.

Hello team? You there?

I pride myself on my support network that I have been building since I was 14. It includes a lot of people. I will not list them all for privacy and Hipaa sake’s. Regardless I am proud of this network. I have found a large group of people with Asperger’s/Autism on the internet. I have been looking at quite a few different blogs here on WordPress and I am happy to say I have found similarities in my story. What I mean by that is I am not alone.

I was initially just ghost reading their blogs, but I have decided to stop doing that. I am going to engage with those I have been ghost reading. I believe that I will find out more about myself by doing this. I know three other people who have autism personally. I want to make that list bigger. I want to network with those on the spectrum.

By doing this I believe that I will build up an even larger support network. I already use this blog as a coping mechanism, but I need it to be so much more. To be perfectly honest I have ulterior motives here. I am really poor and I live on 500 dollars a month from my disability. I spent money on this website and I want it to make money for me. I am tired of asking my parents for money.

To my parents: do not be offended by this. I need to make it on my own eventually anyway. I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me.

Anyway, I am reaching out via this post to put our heads together and work on advocacy for ourselves. I am slowly learning what real advocacy is. I firmly believe that there are a great number of people willing to help, but they do not know what to do. I want to inform them. Either through here or in person; I want them to learn.

Another thing I want to touch on is the misconception I have had about a certain organization. They appear on the surface to be benevolent in what they do, but I never considered that they are lining their pockets instead of helping those on the spectrum. I have donated to them and I have shown interest in participating in what they do. Upon closer inspection of them, however, I think I will withdraw my support of them. This organization being autism speaks. I have been looking at a lot of blogs recently that have been unanimous in their disapproval of the group. I did my own research on them and I have to concur.

Also I want to apologize to someone I know for stealing a catchphrase they use a lot. It is the title of this post and I hope he will forgive me. (This is all in jest. I am sure he doesn’t care right now.)

I cannot think about what to Write

Writing is one of my best outlets for anxiety and depression. I have wrote about it so much for the school paper, for this blog, and in my personal stuff. I don’t know what to write about anymore though. I guess I could turn the page into an activist page for autism, but the scope, I believe, is too narrow. I want to include all people with disabilities if I were to do that.

I don’t want to write exclusively about Star Wars either. I love Star Wars, but that doesn’t help you, the reader. I want to help people, as I have said in many posts. I just do not know what else I can do at the moment.

I guess I could let you all know my numbers for the day. What I mean by that is making a scale of my various emotions. I think that if I examine each with you guys, I could gain some insight as to why I feel the way I feel.

Lets start with the usual ones for me. Those being depression, anxiety, and fear. My depression would be a 2/10 right now. My anxiety is 7/10 and I am not experiencing any fear at the moment. What I am experiencing right now is a weight on my shoulders I cannot seem to shrug off.

With this weight I have become tired and I doze off a lot lately. I am dozing off just trying to write this. Its nine in the morning, and I feel like going back to bed. I do not know if I am comfortable letting you guys know what this weight is. I know if I said anything it would hurt those involved and I do not want that to ever happen.

I just finished re-reading this post before I published it and I apologize for the rambling. It was therapeutic for me though. Now I am going to go start my day and hope for the best.

Autism Awareness day

The date is April 2nd and it is becoming important to me more and more with each passing year. Being a person with Autism all I want is for others to accept and try to understand. 

My University, Millersville, has done a lot this year for awareness. With the help of a lot of people, I convinced the school to light it up blue. The clock tower and the smc atrium are lit up in blue for today and the rest of the month. If your a student here and were wondering why, there is your answer. 

I am planning on participating in various events this April to help promote awareness. Today though, I will just continue  on like any other day, but with my head held high. I made a difference this month and I am happy for it.