I realize that having autism is both a blessing and a curse; a double-edged sword if you will. On one hand, my skills at memorization are fantastic, on the other, I am horrible at the mathematics of any kind. Also, on the other hand, I do not understand social cues whatsoever.
Obi-wan may have been sarcastic in the gif that I used above, but I am doing a good job, yet I have been having doubts as of late about myself and it is affecting my daily life in unproductive ways.
I am always worried that I am failing at something. It does not have to be anything concrete either, it can be something like life.
An example of a thought that I had the other day, “I am failing at life.” I know that this is an absurd statement and I am not failing at life, but I still feel like that sometimes. As of late, I have gotten better at conveying my thoughts and emotions through FaceBook messenger. There are a few people who let me vent to them and help me get through my emotions.
One of those people I developed feelings for and I convinced myself that I had these feelings for a long time. Even though they manifested due to an issue that I was having with someone else that we both knew. I made a fool of myself and I felt I was close to losing a dear friend of mine due to things that I said.
That is another thing that I perceive that I am failing at. That being relationships. Up until now, I have been terrified of being in meaningful relationships and I never truly pursued one, save the one from this past summer that I messed up. The past couple of weeks I have asked two people out. I was turned down by both and I think that caused a catalyst for me. I started behaving differently and I said things that I regret now.
The first girl I asked out was okay with me after the fact and I still would like to believe that we are friends, but there is a voice in the back of my head that says that I messed up any chance I might have had. Just at being friends, not in a romantic sense, and I let that voice’s power grow. That led to the situation with the second girl I asked out. She was kind enough to let me down easy and I appreciated that, but I developed this perverse thought that I could talk to her about anything. No boundaries and I said things and sent her things that I greatly regret. That voice telling me I was failing was in loudspeaker mode at that point.
Then, she forgave me. It was that simple. She forgave me for my stupidity and set boundaries that I would not cross. Even though I feel horrible with how I treated her, I am thankful that the situation happened. It showed me a great many things about myself that I had not realized up until that point.
Those things being that when I become attracted to someone I need to look at my inner self and tell it to slow down and be thoughtful. This is something I was not in the last situation I put myself. The second thing is that I need to really soul search myself. Not just the cursory glance like I usually do, but an in-depth analysis. I have feelings that need to be sorted out. I have habits that need to be broken.
As a result of all of this that has been happening, I have been having nightmares for the past four days. I hope by writing this piece I can stop them. I will let you guys know tomorrow if I have one.
Also, for a fleeting moment, I blamed my autism. It was just a moment, but long enough that I noticed it. I feel half sick that I would blame autism for this. I have beaten autism; at least I thought I had. I refuse to use it as a crutch though. I want to stand on my own and take the responsibility of what I have been doing. A lot of it has been wrong and I am working to fix it.
It’s good that I have recognized that I have a problem that needs to be addressed though and it is something that I can talk to with my support network. It is something that I have to talk with about with my support network. I need to leave the thoughts I have been having behind and start moving forward. There are things I would like to have and I am working on ways to get those things. I got a job, but I am not sure when I start, but I am really excited for that.
Finances have been an issue for me as of late too. I am on disability and I am having a hard time making ends meet, hence the job. I am just worried about how much I am allowed to make versus my disability income. It seems to be a fine line; one that I need to explore. I also need to cut expenses. I make it sound easy, but it will require me to get rid of things that I love. Such as my magic cards. They hold value and I have need of value, so I will have to start selling some of the more expensive ones. I also need to start budgeting a lot better. I used to just spend money and hope that my parents could bail me out, but that is something that I need to stop doing. I am living in a house separate from them and there is no need for them to have to worry about my finances.
To go back to the title of the post, “Why am I so worried?” I think I have the answer to that question. I am an adult and I have to be responsible to take care of everything on my plate, and if I cannot start taking things off of the plate. Start dedicating more time to productive activities and do things to help me further my goals. It’s going to be a hard adjustment for me, but I know I can do it.
Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it.
I am able to talk about myself. Rather easily to be quite honest. Today, I did not really want to, but I did anyway. The reason that I did this is because I want to advocate for those with autism and all disabilities. Being autistic makes that hard sometimes.
I am back at Millersville University as of last Saturday. Which would have been August, 26th. So far, I am doing well. Becoming acclimated to everything has proven to be easy for me this time around. I think this is due in part to a familiarity that I have with the system now.
I want to do all kinds of things, but I do not do them. Why is that? There is a complete lack of motivation in me right now. That is part of the reason I have not posted in awhile. I do not know what to write about. I wish I did, but I am out of topics currently. I talk about autism a lot, and I talk about anxiety a lot. Those are two topics that I have covered.
I stumbled upon a concept called the seven dimensions of wellness. Thinking of doing a post on that once I sort out my thoughts now that I bring it up. Wellness is something that I need to concentrate on for myself. Without the motivation to do so, I have not even bothered taking care of myself. All I have been doing for the past few days is feeling sorry for myself.
I was at a friends house for July fourth and I had a lot of fun. As soon as I left I got depressed. The whole weekend was a way to avoid my personal issues. I need to address these issues now. How do I go about that though? Everything is personal and I am not comfortable talking to others about it. Even my family does not hear about this part of my life.
To be honest, I think I am bored. Maybe if I used something like Mind Sumo or some other kind of intellectual website I would do better. It is unknown to me. I need to address the seven parts of wellness. If I would focus on them, I would do better. The main question that is in the back of my mind is, “What’s the point?”
I have a desire to live, but I do not have a desire to excel like I usually do. The fire that was inside of me is all but gone. Wanting to just make it through the day is not healthy. I feel like I need to make a difference in the world. Not all in one day, but I want my words to touch multiple people all over the world. Writing this post is helping, however.
It is surprising how strong of a coping skill my writing is. I need to further nurture this. Re-reading the paragraph prior to this was eye-opening. I realized that my writing motivates me. With that knowledge I am going to try to write daily. Whether it be on this blog or the blog for my internship.
Working on this post is helpful. With three revisions with increasing positive vibes coming from them was great. I am going to start writing creatively again. That is one skill that I have found lacking in my latest pieces.
Well, I am going to go write a short story. Thank you for reading. I will post again tomorrow!
I am tired of being tired, but I have no idea how to not be tired. Being someone who cares a lot about a lot of different things, this should not come as a surprise to me. Getting emotionally invested in something can be rewarding, but also tiring.
What to do?
There are a few steps that I can think of that I can take. Number one being letting some stuff go. I am invested in a variety of things and may be stretching myself too thin. Organizing my time would also be helpful. My timekeeping skills are good, I just need to be practical when scheduling out my day. To be honest, I need to start doing that on paper, not just in my head. I have no self discipline and I need to teach myself how to respect the timer.
Using a timer would be of great benefit to me. I need to know what time it is all the time anyway, why don’t I just use a timer for my activities. I don’t think it would be hard to implement. Like I said above, I just need to respect the timer. When it goes off I need to look at my schedule and do the next thing. It will be good for the sake of efficiency. Which is also a thing that is making me tired.
Efficient, but what work do you do?
Sometimes I am told desk work is not real work. I don’t think I could get it through the people who say this head’s that desk work is still work. It does not have to be physically taxing to be considered work. At my internship I feel like I get what I need to get done, done and then I meticulously proof-read and edit. This needs to be applied to my everyday life.
That brings me to a question. What do you guys feel the quality of my blog is? Is it helping you or is it just a glorified journal for me?
Back to the topic at hand, I know that I can be efficient, but for some reason I cannot be at home. I do not know what my problem is here that I cannot commit to being efficient. This might be something worth looking into. At my internship I am know what needs done and I do it, but at home I have no direction, so I end up playing games way too much. I am not saying games are bad, but I have put too much time into them lately.
I am aware of the physical symptoms attached to weariness, and I have most of them. It is something that I am working on and something I hope to update you guys on soon.
Physical stuff is factor, there is no doubt there, and I know what needs to happen for all of those contributors to go away.
With that said I am going to go to bed now, I started writing this around 12 last night, so I am tired. Have a good day!
I have noticed a shift in the amount of panic attacks that I have been having. 23 Days ago, I started to use social media a lot less. This was a result of some scary situations and some mental health issues. I needed to do something to stop my depression and anxiety. To that end, I cut social media usage by a lot.
I did a little research and I found out that others have found that lessening social media use can help with depression. Science Daily published an article that backs up my findings.
I have reported to myself for the past 23 days to check the amount of panic attacks, anxiety spikes, depression spikes, or paranoia. The findings that I had were positive for me. It is sufficient to say that everything has dropped by at least 50 percent.
There are a couple reasons why I decided to do this exercise. The end of the year at college was brutal on me. I had to drop my math class due to medical reasons and I was depressed at an alarming level. At that time, and only at that time, I did not feel safe. I want everyone reading this to know that I am safe now, and I am doing well these past three weeks. Besides that, I was getting weary of social anxiety and I was always anxious. Even in my own room at college. I did not feel safe there, in the classroom or even the Snapper Office.
Fear, Anger, self-hatred
To be blunt, I was keeping people deceived about my well-being. I want to apologize for that. The situation was dire, and I was in a bad place mentally. I was suicidal. The fact that I have revealed this to you all means I trust my readers. I trust you to understand and be accepting. You have all been supportive of me and my endeavors and I want you all to know I appreciate it.
To that end I want to extend an invitation to my readers. What do you do concerning your social media habits? I would be interested to see what others on the autistic spectrum experience. How much do you use it and why do you use it?
Concerning myself, social media had a huge impact on my sanity. As some of you know from a previous post, I was having a lot of trouble with social media. It led me to become obsessed with something. My fear of that happening again is what encouraged me to act on the amount that I used it. The amount of social media I consumed made me have misconceptions about the world and myself. Social media, for the most part, is the best of people. The highlight reel, if you will.
Think about it for a second. Do people post pictures of themselves when they are at their lowest? I would not think so, yet it may be now. What do you guys think? Do people use social media as an outlet more now, or is it a place to put just your success? It is both, and it is going to continue to be both. I posted to my Facebook and Instagram a lot in the time before I caught myself.
What was the impact on me?
I became distant to the real world to a degree. I took to social media and the news whenever I could. The need for information is what drove me. Whether it be over the obsession or something else, I was on my phone at least five times an hour. I have dropped that to twice or less an hour in gradual phases throughout the past few weeks.
With my experiment that I mentioned above, I dropped everything that was bad mentally by a significant margin. That left an impact on me. This impact enabled me to stop becoming obsessed and to become happy once again. This is not enough though. I need to do more and I am coming up with ideas on what I should do to do better.
I have a few ideas that I want to bounce off you guys. Most of these ideas I got from the website Lifehack. One idea that I really like and I am going to start to incorporate in deleting my social media apps off my phone. This will give me time to have social media on the computer and only the computer. Starting off slow is probably the best idea. So, I will delete Instagram first, then Facebook, then the rest of them.
Some Final Thoughts
Social media can be a great tool to use, but its overuse can be detrimental. I think it was damaging to me, and I want to try to reverse the effects of the fallout from social media addiction. I know that may be too strong of a word, but I need to impress upon myself that I need to do better. When I started this blog, I promised I would be transparent, and I failed that promise. I will do better. One thing at a time.
As some of you may know, I recently started an internship at Mental Health America of Lancaster County (MHA). I am enjoying my time there, and I am learning a lot. Being autistic really has not been an issue at all while I have been there. I enjoy being there and I enjoy what I am doing there.
I am contributing to their blog and their social media, and it feels great to know that I have a wider audience now than ever before. I advertised this blog in my first post at MHA, and I have seen an increase in traffic. So, I would like to thank my new readers for coming aboard!
At MHA I have done blog posts pertaining to autism. I have done a series called, “Autism, the points you need to know.” If you would like to check those out the website is here. I think I have been doing well so far. One thing that I have noticed though is that I have not jumped the hurdle of inter-office communication with my superiors.
Issues at the Internship? No, not really.
I freeze sometimes when I run into a problem that I need help with. Just sitting at my desk and make it look like I am working is what I have been going with so far. I am afraid to approach anyone about this and I do not know what to do. It has not caused anything huge, but I am afraid that it will.
I found an article on Joyable that is helping. It states that I have freeze anxiety from what I read. It is right in that regard, and I am glad to have a definition to attach to my anxiety. I have so many types of anxiety that they need categorized. If they are not, it gets to me. This is for an unknown reason mind you. My anxiety is odd to say the least.
This internship has helped me a lot though. The biggest way is that it has given me a clear purpose. Something tangible that I can cling to and develop. The brain above is what I believe my brain was like before. All symbolic of course, but I needed to be nurtured a lot. With this internship, my sense of independence is a lot higher. I take the bus to get to the internship. I am proud of the fact. The internship has had one thing, the freeze anxiety, and that is it. It is going well and I anticipate it going well throughout the summer. Thanks for reading and I will keep you guys updated!
Autism pushes us to become better
Life without autism
Wait, you like having autism!?
Advocacy? How can you do that? Simple, I broke free
Some final thoughts
I am starting, or should I say, begun a class at Millersville on Monday! It is called Digital Media Writing. Which, in my mind, is all about blogging. So far the class is going really well and the texts that we have are very good. I am really excited for the class.
The big reason for this is because I want to make this blog so much better. I want to focus in on what I want to cover and I want to get your guys help with that. What do you think I have been covering the best? If I had to pick, it would be autism related posts. A case could be made for the self help ones though. Both are really strong subjects that I cover.
If I were to just focus on one, which would you guys like to see? Or do you think that a two pronged approach is better? I am gravitating towards two pronged at the moment. If I go two pronged I can continue to use the blog as a outlet and a informational self help blog at the same time.
I would also like some feedback on the blog as a whole if some of you have some free time. I would like to use some more images, but I think that, sometimes, they draw away from what I am trying to say. In some situations they probably would really help out. Do you guys want to see more images? Or would you prefer me to keep it the same as I have?
Please give me some insights and advice on how I can do better. It would not go to waste, I plan on continuing this blog for a long time, and I want to foster a community to help me out. Thanks for reading!