Tag Archives: Confused

Social Fumbling

I try hard to understand social cues and the like. To be honest, I am steadily getting better at it. Then I mess up something and I feel worthless each time.

The “fumble” in question had to do with political stuff. I have a democratic socialist viewpoint and majority of my family do not, or do not care enough.

That being said, I get in debates with various members of my family about the current President, Donald Trump. In my opinion he is incompetent and dangerous. Nothing that he has done has been beneficial to this country. Now, this is my opinion and I respect others rights to having their opinions. I think the critical thinking required to understand politics has helped me.

I hate that politics create rifts between me and other family members. It tears me up inside. I, from a moral standpoint and many others, can not support the current President.

The fact that I brought politics to this blog upsets me. I do not want to be that type of blog. I want it to help others on the autistic spectrum and those associated.

It seems when I mess up socially, I need to process it. I look back at the conversation for hours trying to figure what I could have done. I know this to a frivolous pursuit though. Learning to accept what the past is and using it as a learning tool should be how I approach it.

I am sitting at a table in the house staving off a panic attack because of this. Wishing I could change how I acted prior. Writing all of this is helping though.

I am going to continue doing my best, but I need others to know, I am not perfect. About as far away as you can be actually, but I’m trying.

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Why am I so worried?

Obi-wan may have been sarcastic in the gif that I used above, but I am doing a good job, yet I have been having doubts as of late about myself and it is affecting my daily life in unproductive ways.

I am always worried that I am failing at something. It does not have to be anything concrete either, it can be something like life.

An example of a thought that I had the other day, “I am failing at life.” I know that this is an absurd statement and I am not failing at life, but I still feel like that sometimes. As of late, I have gotten better at conveying my thoughts and emotions through FaceBook messenger. There are a few people who let me vent to them and help me get through my emotions.

One of those people I developed feelings for and I convinced myself that I had these feelings for a long time. Even though they manifested due to an issue that I was having with someone else that we both knew. I made a fool of myself and I felt I was close to losing a dear friend of mine due to things that I said.

That is another thing that I perceive that I am failing at. That being relationships. Up until now, I have been terrified of being in meaningful relationships and I never truly pursued one, save the one from this past summer that I messed up. The past couple of weeks I have asked two people out. I was turned down by both and I think that caused a catalyst for me. I started behaving differently and I said things that I regret now.

The first girl I asked out was okay with me after the fact and I still would like to believe that we are friends, but there is a voice in the back of my head that says that I messed up any chance I might have had. Just at being friends, not in a romantic sense, and I let that voice’s power grow. That led to the situation with the second girl I asked out. She was kind enough to let me down easy and I appreciated that, but I developed this perverse thought that I could talk to her about anything. No boundaries and I said things and sent her things that I greatly regret. That voice telling me I was failing was in loudspeaker mode at that point.

Then, she forgave me. It was that simple. She forgave me for my stupidity and set boundaries that I would not cross. Even though I feel horrible with how I treated her, I am thankful that the situation happened. It showed me a great many things about myself that I had not realized up until that point.

Those things being that when I become attracted to someone I need to look at my inner self and tell it to slow down and be thoughtful. This is something I was not in the last situation I put myself. The second thing is that I need to really soul search myself. Not just the cursory glance like I usually do, but an in-depth analysis. I have feelings that need to be sorted out. I have habits that need to be broken.

As a result of all of this that has been happening, I have been having nightmares for the past four days. I hope by writing this piece I can stop them. I will let you guys know tomorrow if I have one.

Also, for a fleeting moment, I blamed my autism. It was just a moment, but long enough that I noticed it. I feel half sick that I would blame autism for this. I have beaten autism; at least I thought I had. I refuse to use it as a crutch though. I want to stand on my own and take the responsibility of what I have been doing. A lot of it has been wrong and I am working to fix it.

It’s good that I have recognized that I have a problem that needs to be addressed though and it is something that I can talk to with my support network. It is something that I have to talk with about with my support network.  I need to leave the thoughts I have been having behind and start moving forward. There are things I would like to have and I am working on ways to get those things. I got a job, but I am not sure when I start, but I am really excited for that.

Finances have been an issue for me as of late too. I am on disability and I am having a hard time making ends meet, hence the job. I am just worried about how much I am allowed to make versus my disability income. It seems to be a fine line; one that I need to explore. I also need to cut expenses. I make it sound easy, but it will require me to get rid of things that I love. Such as my magic cards. They hold value and I have need of value, so I will have to start selling some of the more expensive ones. I also need to start budgeting a lot better. I used to just spend money and hope that my parents could bail me out, but that is something that I need to stop doing. I am living in a house separate from them and there is no need for them to have to worry about my finances.

To go back to the title of the post, “Why am I so worried?” I think I have the answer to that question. I am an adult and I have to be responsible to take care of everything on my plate, and if I cannot start taking things off of the plate. Start dedicating more time to productive activities and do things to help me further my goals. It’s going to be a hard adjustment for me, but I know I can do it.

Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it.

 

Anxiety that does not matter, stuff that does matter

Had an unusual thing happen today. I had a panic attack. Now, some of you are confused, but let me explain.

I had a panic attack and it did not matter. Calling it a panic attack is an overstatement in every sense of the word. It was an anxiety spike.

What did I do to said spike? I broke it. I silenced it. It is properly dead and buried. I’m laying down for the night and I’m listening to Dio’s Rainbow in the dark. I have to agree with the song. My demons are gone. They do not trouble me anymore.

Now, my rant.

I thought after what happened in Florida, I would be a wreck, but I’m not. Not trying to lessen what happened in Florida, but I feel good about this reaction.

Simply put, I was a person, in my teen’s, that was sympathic towards the shooter. I am in no way shape or form like that now, but my teen’s were a dark time for me.

I condemn what happend, but I am also realistic that nothing more can be done by me. I registered to vote for my new address and I am, unfortunately, resigned to the fact that it will happen again. I hate that more will die.

After inaction after Sandy Hook though, nothing will change. Nothing.

I hate politics, but I have decided to become a lot more active politically. I want to see the change that my generation can bring in.

It is not just a gun issue, same for mental health. It’s a moral issue. (I have to credit a writer for the Snapper for letting me edit an article of his for this perspective.)

America is sick and it needs to change. Not just one law banning bump stocks or something of that nature. We need reform. We need to take our country back. We need to break the stigma that our generation, the millennials, are useless, entitled, crybabie. Dammit, 17 people are dead. They are not coming back and that pisses me off.

Nazis, white supremacists, alt-right, and many other fringe groups have a choke hold on our country and I’m sick of it. I hate that a massacre had to happen to wake me up and get me angry.

I swear, things will change in this country. It’s about survival now and we need to get our heads back in the game. Stop being entitled. Stop acting like your better for whatever stupid reason you have. White people are not the best, neither are blacks, Latinos, Asian, gay, bisexual, what have you. We are all human and we need to come together and not hate each other.

Thanks for reading.

Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

I am able to talk about myself. Rather easily to be quite honest. Today, I did not really want to, but I did anyway. The reason that I did this is because I want to advocate for those with autism and all disabilities. Being autistic makes that hard sometimes.

Continue reading Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

Don’t know how I feel, but I am confused now, please help

I did an exercise in mindfulness today. I have done soul searching and I have examined myself. I have looked at past interactions and I have come to a conclusion about myself. I am obsessive. Not just about Star Wars either, but everything that I take a vested interest in. Whether it be a person or a book, a comic series or a fictional character, I become so invested mentally that it becomes unhealthy. It used to not be a problem, because it was never centered on people. I was obsessed with Star Wars and other fictitious things. It was harmless and never impacted anyone. I became so invested in Star Wars that a hunger manifested that made me want to know everything about it. I never saw that as a bad thing.

That has, unfortunately, changed. My obsessive behaviour has extended to people now. It took the person I was obsessed with telling me that I was being obsessive with her for me to stop. At least I hope I have stopped. I look back at my behaviour and I know she is right. I used social media to fuel my obsession. I would ‘like’ everything she posted and I would never quit using my phone to see if she saw my messages. I need to change if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship with anyone. I think I have burned this bridge beyond repair and while that leaves me heartbroken, I have accepted it.

I need to learn from this and try to make myself a better person. I do not know how to put my thoughts into practice though. That terrifies me too. I do not want to ask for help with this because, in my head, the only person I can ask is the person I became obsessed with. It is sickening to me to think that I think like this. I need to change. I need to become what I aspire to be and not what I was. I still do not know how to do this. So, what I am asking for is suggestions from you guys. Especially people with autism who are also obsessed with something. How have you broke your habit, if you have? I do not feel healthy in the head because of this. I think I am some sort of freak. A stalker and someone who deserves to be in prison. I hurt someone I cared about and I did it all to fulfill this need that I had. I cannot explain it. Just like I cannot explain the love I feel for Star Wars. It is just apart of me, but it shouldn’t be. The obsession of another person in very unhealthy for me and I do not know what to do about it at all. So please, help me.

My fear of Failure has Manifested today

I know that the title of the post sounds ominous and cryptic, but I want to let you know that the content is more of a revelation. A rebuilding of myself that I can only express through writing. I am not good at talking so I resort to this. A social media platform that lets me voice my concerns. After the last post, that I have deleted, was published I faced lashback that I justly deserved. I painted my family as monsters and I want them to know I am sorry. I cannot say that though because I am currently having passive panic attacks. My anxiety is easily 20/10 and my depression is not far behind. My paranoia is very high and my fear is also high. I have myself shut up in my room hoping that I can get this all type before I lose my gumption. I am terrified right now that I have failed as a person and I am not worthy of anyone’s praise or admiration.

The reason I am terrified is because of my social anxiety. It seems it has developed to extend to my family. I am loathe to say this because it hurts me deeply and I feel horrible about it. They are my biggest supporters and I could not have gotten this far without them. I am thankful to have them. They have their quirks, just like I have mine. My last post hurt them and I am sorry that I let my anger control me. It was not righteous anger, it was malicious anger that I have been bottling up for the duration of my college stay.

College is what made me angry, not my parents, not my grandparents and certainly not my brother. I wanted to hurt them and I am terrified that I have burnt a bridge that cannot be easily repaired. I need to earn back their trust. I know I do not deserve that though. I feel, right now, like a horrible person. I blew up things way out of proportion and forgot all that I have. I am not used to being angry though. The excuse probably sounds hollow to a lot of you, but I rarely get angry and when I do, stuff like this happens.

One last time I would like to apologize to my family. They did not deserve what I did to them. I am sorry.

While we are on the subject of anger I want to also examine my anger and go over it. I want to delve into what made it tick and I want to try to prevent it from happening again. I need to get angry more I think. I need to get riled up and I need to do something about it at the time it happens and not rant about it on a WordPress blog months later.

I want the parties that I discuss to understand something before I do this though. This is in no way to make you look bad; I just need to do this for my own sanity. Just thirty minutes ago I would say I was suicidal. I am not saying that to scare anyone; I just want you to understand the severity of what I have went through today and days before. I will not use names and I will try my best to be vague with descriptions. I am sorry if this is too much, I just need to do this.

Also, please understand something about autism. It is a developmental and social hindrance to those who have it. I will not say disorder, because that makes it sound like it is something wrong. It is in no way wrong to be autistic. No one chooses to have autism, no one is happy having autism. Not to be confused with the fact that those with autism are not happy. I do not want to lob all the people with autism into that, but we are people just like everyone else. We have feelings, thoughts and faults. I, myself, have a lot of faults. Or should I say quirks? Either way there are things I do in how I act that are not up to snuff.

Back to the anger bit. I have not been truly angry since I was 19, which was six years ago. Back then I was attending a community college and I was doing good grade wise. I had not had to drop out at that point yet either. This was two years before that. I had been in a mental institution the summer prior and I was doing very well for myself. Then I kind of met someone. When I say kind of I mean through the internet and through texting. I will not disclose her name. I talked to her for what seemed like a lifetime and I fell in love with this person. Now note this is all when I was 19 so I really had no concept of love at the time, but at that time I was hooked on this girl. I never got to physically meet or hear her voice though. This was something that put a great strain on our relationship. I wanted to meet her very badly and I never got to. She cut things off before things got too far and I was devastated. She was very sick though and she was going to Europe to get medical treatment. I understood from that perspective, but like I said I was devastated.

Being the person I like to think of myself as I was very concerned and wanted to keep contact while she was in Europe. We had one message and I never heard from her again. It has been six years since that happened. In the ensuing year I found out things in a sequence of events that practically destroyed me. It was the second time I tried to kill myself. As a result of what I am about to tell you.

I thought she died. In my head, which was very irrational at the time, I thought she went to Europe, could not get the medical help she needed and that she died. I was heartbroken and, like I stated earlier, tried to kill myself. This was a year after so I was 20 at the time. What actually happened is hard for me to believe, but it is the only sound conclusion that I can come to. I was lied to. The first girl never existed and was only a fabrication to turn me into a sort of plaything. I do not know if it got out of control and the second girl tried to get me to stop being obsessed with the now in question reality of the first girl. She might have done this out of regret and came up with the Europe story. The reason that the first girls reality came into question was because of my obsessive behaviour. I was messaging the first girl’s telephone number practically everyday and I was not stopping for about five months. I was getting very concerned that the first girl was not in good shape so I did something only a irrational mind could think up. I reverse called the number. I found out exactly where the texts were originating from and I was devastated with the result. They were coming from where the second girl lived. Now this is all speculation for what I am about to say after this, but the above is fact as I know it.

I think I was played. I was very angry when I found out about this, and I was also suicidal as a result of it. I do not know if it is right to blame the second girl for what happened to me as a result of my suicide attempt, but I went to the hospital for something else and just got through my suicide attempt with the help I got there. But I never told them I tried to commit suicide while I was in there. I was under the falsehood that I needed to protect the first and second girl.

That was a lot. Maybe too much, but talking about that has lifted a heavy weight from my soul. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. This whole year at college has been miserable for me. I know why now. I am not comfortable sharing that at all, but I think I have made more progress with this post than I have in a long time. I finally got all of that off of my chest. So unlike the title states, consider this post a manifestation of my success and a increase in my understanding about myself.

Also, please let me be for the time being. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to do it alone.

Cracks in the numbness

Over the past week, as some of you may know, I have been through a lot. I posted yesterday about it and I think I divulged that I was feeling numb. While this is still true, I want to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I talked to a very good friend of mine and I was given advice. I feel the advice was insightful and I appreciate it a lot.

I have also been having really bad sleep patterns lately too. I would go to sleep well past midnight and wake up early. I came up with the excuse that it was just school anxiety and that excuse was partially true. I have been successful in dropping my math course though. It was causing a lot of issues for me, and I just lobbed all of my anxiety under that.

The fact that I have been under so much stress is probably a main contributor to my issues of late too. I have been depressed, anxious, paranoid and scared.

I know that I need to move on and prepare for my internship and classes this summer. I think that distracting myself from these current problems will help greatly, but I know that I need to address them eventually. Like the namesake of this website states, this is a trial for me. One that I feel that I have initially failed, but I know that I can rebound. I hope that the person that I hurt is able to as well. I will not stop loving her, but I will stop pestering her all the time.

That is what I did majority of the time now that I look back on it. I talked to her a lot, but it was always about me. She wasn’t getting the care she needed. I thought that maybe opening up to her about my situations would help her open up to me, but I took it too far in my own care. I know that to be healthy you have to take care of yourself first, but I do not think this needs to be at the expense of others. That is what I did.

I look back at my behaviour and know that I never intended to hurt her. I was very insensitive though. I feel very badly about it too, but I cannot let it hurt me anymore. I know that may sound selfish, but I am in a bad place right now and I need to become stable. I need to regain my sanity, and I need to become whole once again. My numbness is an issue that needs to be addressed and the only way that I can do that is by working with my support network.

I have appointments set up and I want to let all of you that took the time to read this that I appreciate you reading. What I also want to say is that with this trial I hope that all parties involved have become stronger. I do not feel stronger now, and I do not know how she feels right now, but I hope we can continue to be friends.