Tag Archives: Change

Anxiety that does not matter, stuff that does matter

Had an unusual thing happen today. I had a panic attack. Now, some of you are confused, but let me explain.

I had a panic attack and it did not matter. Calling it a panic attack is an overstatement in every sense of the word. It was an anxiety spike.

What did I do to said spike? I broke it. I silenced it. It is properly dead and buried. I’m laying down for the night and I’m listening to Dio’s Rainbow in the dark. I have to agree with the song. My demons are gone. They do not trouble me anymore.

Now, my rant.

I thought after what happened in Florida, I would be a wreck, but I’m not. Not trying to lessen what happened in Florida, but I feel good about this reaction.

Simply put, I was a person, in my teen’s, that was sympathic towards the shooter. I am in no way shape or form like that now, but my teen’s were a dark time for me.

I condemn what happend, but I am also realistic that nothing more can be done by me. I registered to vote for my new address and I am, unfortunately, resigned to the fact that it will happen again. I hate that more will die.

After inaction after Sandy Hook though, nothing will change. Nothing.

I hate politics, but I have decided to become a lot more active politically. I want to see the change that my generation can bring in.

It is not just a gun issue, same for mental health. It’s a moral issue. (I have to credit a writer for the Snapper for letting me edit an article of his for this perspective.)

America is sick and it needs to change. Not just one law banning bump stocks or something of that nature. We need reform. We need to take our country back. We need to break the stigma that our generation, the millennials, are useless, entitled, crybabie. Dammit, 17 people are dead. They are not coming back and that pisses me off.

Nazis, white supremacists, alt-right, and many other fringe groups have a choke hold on our country and I’m sick of it. I hate that a massacre had to happen to wake me up and get me angry.

I swear, things will change in this country. It’s about survival now and we need to get our heads back in the game. Stop being entitled. Stop acting like your better for whatever stupid reason you have. White people are not the best, neither are blacks, Latinos, Asian, gay, bisexual, what have you. We are all human and we need to come together and not hate each other.

Thanks for reading.

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Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

I am able to talk about myself. Rather easily to be quite honest. Today, I did not really want to, but I did anyway. The reason that I did this is because I want to advocate for those with autism and all disabilities. Being autistic makes that hard sometimes.

Continue reading Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

Habits that need to be broken

I am overweight. There is no way around it, and I always feel embarrassed when I talk about it. I am trying hard to not eat as much. It is not going well to say the least. I weighed 452 pounds the last time I was weighed on a scale that could weigh me. It is embarrassing for me, but I have decided that I am going to break my appetite.

Cravings

I want to eat all of the time. In a normal day I have about six meals. Each one defended with the phrase, “I was hungry.” Where I find fault in that statement is a lack of discipline. To be honest, I have no discipline when it comes to food. I eat what I want at any time. The blame is on me, to be sure, but I think there is a psychology backdrop to it as well.

I crave food all of the time and I never stop thinking about food. It has come to a point where I am considering surgery, but that is a last resort step for me. This needs to be taken care of naturally. To that end, I am enrolling into a weight loss program close to where I live. With the help of others I will be able to lose weight. I cannot do it without support.

That is how I have approached up until this point. I gave up diets many times, and I think that is because of my discipline habits.

What does this have to do with your blog?

It is quite simple, I need to hold myself accountable for my weight. By using my blog as a tool to stop my cravings I know that I can do it. I am asking my peers to help me too. It would be beneficial if I had a partner to do this with. That way we can keep each other in check. If anyone is interested, let me know.

Thanks for reading!

Don’t know how I feel, but I am confused now, please help

I did an exercise in mindfulness today. I have done soul searching and I have examined myself. I have looked at past interactions and I have come to a conclusion about myself. I am obsessive. Not just about Star Wars either, but everything that I take a vested interest in. Whether it be a person or a book, a comic series or a fictional character, I become so invested mentally that it becomes unhealthy. It used to not be a problem, because it was never centered on people. I was obsessed with Star Wars and other fictitious things. It was harmless and never impacted anyone. I became so invested in Star Wars that a hunger manifested that made me want to know everything about it. I never saw that as a bad thing.

That has, unfortunately, changed. My obsessive behaviour has extended to people now. It took the person I was obsessed with telling me that I was being obsessive with her for me to stop. At least I hope I have stopped. I look back at my behaviour and I know she is right. I used social media to fuel my obsession. I would ‘like’ everything she posted and I would never quit using my phone to see if she saw my messages. I need to change if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship with anyone. I think I have burned this bridge beyond repair and while that leaves me heartbroken, I have accepted it.

I need to learn from this and try to make myself a better person. I do not know how to put my thoughts into practice though. That terrifies me too. I do not want to ask for help with this because, in my head, the only person I can ask is the person I became obsessed with. It is sickening to me to think that I think like this. I need to change. I need to become what I aspire to be and not what I was. I still do not know how to do this. So, what I am asking for is suggestions from you guys. Especially people with autism who are also obsessed with something. How have you broke your habit, if you have? I do not feel healthy in the head because of this. I think I am some sort of freak. A stalker and someone who deserves to be in prison. I hurt someone I cared about and I did it all to fulfill this need that I had. I cannot explain it. Just like I cannot explain the love I feel for Star Wars. It is just apart of me, but it shouldn’t be. The obsession of another person in very unhealthy for me and I do not know what to do about it at all. So please, help me.

My anxiety makes it hard to believe

I suffer from extreme anxiety. I think a lot of people know that, but I do not think a lot of people understand what that actually means. With anxiety it is hard to explain, but I think that I am going to try today.

Anxiety, for me, is sweating, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fear, paranoia, and despair. I experience all of these symptoms at the same time in varying degrees. It depends on the type of anxiety for the intensity of each symptom. Now I want to look at the non-physical symptoms closer.

Fear – I become afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid that everyone that I know is going to leave me because they know I am a lost cause. I am afraid that the people that are in my life hate me, I am afraid that I am actually worthless and a lost cause. I am afraid that I cannot do it. That I will not succeed, that I will never be accepted because of my issues, that I cannot be happy. That the affection that I show is never understood and that I am not a good person. That I am actually evil and I really want to kill people. I am afraid of relapsing and going back to the hospital. I am afraid of killing myself. I am afraid that I will kill others. I am afraid that I will hurt others, cripple them, maim them and disfigure them.

I used to have these thoughts and I hate myself for what I did during those parts of my life. I do not want to be like that anymore. I may joke about it now, and I know it is horrible to do so, but that is my way of coping with not becoming that. I used to come up with plans to kill. They were methodical and disturbing. I dedicated too much time in my life on that and I do not want to ever be like that again.

Paranoia – This one is a lot like the fear, but it is more immediate. I feel like I am going to be attacked or something of that nature. I feel like the earth is going to explode because of something that I did. I feel absolute terror that I did something terribly wrong. I will stop whatever it is that I am doing and retreat into myself and it is hard to get me out of this.

Despair – This one is a combination of the first two. It is the hardest to put into words as well. Depression sets in when this happens. A lot more anxiety follows along with many other things. Such as Suicidal Ideation and homicidal ideation. I want to make it clear that the last two are hardly ever an issue that I deal with and if I were to deal with them, I would get the right help that I would need. I have a crisis plan and I will enact it if necessary. I am stable enough in the mind to see these symptoms and call for help when I need it. Thankfully I have not needed to do this for six years. The last time was when I was 19 and I am now 25. The despair that I feel now is a combination of fear and anxiety that I will revert to what I described above. Every time that I experience an extreme amount of anxiety I get to the point where I despair over this.

All that I have described has become a draining experience and unfortunately I have been experiencing this every day for the past few days. Despite this I will persevere. I just need a long pep talk from someone who understands. I am trying to find that someone. Part of the reason I am posting this today also. As I said in a post earlier this week, I need to rely on the support network that I have built for myself. It is very large and I need to take advantage of it.

I do not want anyone to worry about me. If you want to help me, make contact. Talk to me, and I will talk to you. It means a lot that you would take time out of your day and help me. It means the world to me and it is happening more often lately. I am really happy to say that too. There are a lot of caring people in my world and I am proud of those who have helped me.

This semester at school has been trying and sometimes impossible to deal with. I am thankful that I am able to stay on campus though. I think that I need the social interaction that I am getting. It has proven itself to be invaluable in opening my shell up. The shell is still there, and it will take a lot more to break it.

Thank you for reading the whole thing if you got this far. Sorry, I tend to ramble on. Like I said though, if you want to talk, I am always available. It doesn’t have to be about anything either. If you just want to vent I am here. I listen a lot better than I talk, and I want to offer that service to others. This may seem to be odd to some of you though. Why would helping others help me? It is quite simple actually. I need to help, I need to know that I have a purpose. Helping others is that purpose. Thanks for reading.

Agent of Change

If you have been reading my blog or are personally acquainted with me, you know I am autistic. 

What some do not know is that I also am a advocate for autism awareness. To further my goal of doing this I took some time to step out of MY comfort zone. April is autism awareness month and I have big plans for it. I want to participate in the light it up blue campaign that Autism Speaks does. 

To that end, I decided to enlist some help. I am hoping that I will be able to get the University that I attend, Millersville, to light it up blue. 

I have made contact with a couple of organizations and I am setting up stuff to promote awareness, and I am going to hopefully get a good reception. 

You can help me out by pledging to light it up blue this April! Just wear blue on April 2nd and help me spread awareness.