Tag Archives: Autism

Cracks in the numbness

Over the past week, as some of you may know, I have been through a lot. I posted yesterday about it and I think I divulged that I was feeling numb. While this is still true, I want to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I talked to a very good friend of mine and I was given advice. I feel the advice was insightful and I appreciate it a lot.

I have also been having really bad sleep patterns lately too. I would go to sleep well past midnight and wake up early. I came up with the excuse that it was just school anxiety and that excuse was partially true. I have been successful in dropping my math course though. It was causing a lot of issues for me, and I just lobbed all of my anxiety under that.

The fact that I have been under so much stress is probably a main contributor to my issues of late too. I have been depressed, anxious, paranoid and scared.

I know that I need to move on and prepare for my internship and classes this summer. I think that distracting myself from these current problems will help greatly, but I know that I need to address them eventually. Like the namesake of this website states, this is a trial for me. One that I feel that I have initially failed, but I know that I can rebound. I hope that the person that I hurt is able to as well. I will not stop loving her, but I will stop pestering her all the time.

That is what I did majority of the time now that I look back on it. I talked to her a lot, but it was always about me. She wasn’t getting the care she needed. I thought that maybe opening up to her about my situations would help her open up to me, but I took it too far in my own care. I know that to be healthy you have to take care of yourself first, but I do not think this needs to be at the expense of others. That is what I did.

I look back at my behaviour and know that I never intended to hurt her. I was very insensitive though. I feel very badly about it too, but I cannot let it hurt me anymore. I know that may sound selfish, but I am in a bad place right now and I need to become stable. I need to regain my sanity, and I need to become whole once again. My numbness is an issue that needs to be addressed and the only way that I can do that is by working with my support network.

I have appointments set up and I want to let all of you that took the time to read this that I appreciate you reading. What I also want to say is that with this trial I hope that all parties involved have become stronger. I do not feel stronger now, and I do not know how she feels right now, but I hope we can continue to be friends.

Hello team? You there?

I pride myself on my support network that I have been building since I was 14. It includes a lot of people. I will not list them all for privacy and Hipaa sake’s. Regardless I am proud of this network. I have found a large group of people with Asperger’s/Autism on the internet. I have been looking at quite a few different blogs here on WordPress and I am happy to say I have found similarities in my story. What I mean by that is I am not alone.

I was initially just ghost reading their blogs, but I have decided to stop doing that. I am going to engage with those I have been ghost reading. I believe that I will find out more about myself by doing this. I know three other people who have autism personally. I want to make that list bigger. I want to network with those on the spectrum.

By doing this I believe that I will build up an even larger support network. I already use this blog as a coping mechanism, but I need it to be so much more. To be perfectly honest I have ulterior motives here. I am really poor and I live on 500 dollars a month from my disability. I spent money on this website and I want it to make money for me. I am tired of asking my parents for money.

To my parents: do not be offended by this. I need to make it on my own eventually anyway. I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me.

Anyway, I am reaching out via this post to put our heads together and work on advocacy for ourselves. I am slowly learning what real advocacy is. I firmly believe that there are a great number of people willing to help, but they do not know what to do. I want to inform them. Either through here or in person; I want them to learn.

Another thing I want to touch on is the misconception I have had about a certain organization. They appear on the surface to be benevolent in what they do, but I never considered that they are lining their pockets instead of helping those on the spectrum. I have donated to them and I have shown interest in participating in what they do. Upon closer inspection of them, however, I think I will withdraw my support of them. This organization being autism speaks. I have been looking at a lot of blogs recently that have been unanimous in their disapproval of the group. I did my own research on them and I have to concur.

Also I want to apologize to someone I know for stealing a catchphrase they use a lot. It is the title of this post and I hope he will forgive me. (This is all in jest. I am sure he doesn’t care right now.)

Anxiety is taking me places

The title may sound odd, but let me explain. I am an anxious guy and if you have only read one post on here you probably know that. What am I getting at? I think I an anxious on purpose.

This is just a theory, but I think I act anxious because of the responses I get. As someone with autism, I find this perplexing. I usually do not want attention. I avoid it outright. I have a panic attack though and I tell someosomeone and I get a little interaction with some one. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but what I am saying is that in my own way I crave attention. 

People know me as being anxious a lot of the time and I feel anxious a lot of the time. I just think it odd that I get the most attention when I am scared or anxious. 

Think about it for a second. I post something on Facebook that I am having a panic attack or something of that nature and I get a response. I Think that society has become nurturing for the most part and my subconscious is tapping into that by giving  panic attacks. 

This is not right. I do not think that I should use mental health as a way to get attention. Accidental or otherwise. I do my best to contain my panic, but I continue to have a lot of panic attacks. I do not like having them at all. 

What are your guys thoughts on this? Is this even plausible? Especially from other people who suffer from panic, anxiety, or are autistic. I want to know how you guys deal with it.
Thanks for reading

Autism Awareness day

The date is April 2nd and it is becoming important to me more and more with each passing year. Being a person with Autism all I want is for others to accept and try to understand. 

My University, Millersville, has done a lot this year for awareness. With the help of a lot of people, I convinced the school to light it up blue. The clock tower and the smc atrium are lit up in blue for today and the rest of the month. If your a student here and were wondering why, there is your answer. 

I am planning on participating in various events this April to help promote awareness. Today though, I will just continue  on like any other day, but with my head held high. I made a difference this month and I am happy for it.

Autism Awareness Month is Coming Up!

As some of you may know, April is autism awareness month. On April second I will be wearing blue to show my support and acceptance of others who have autism. I will be posting a lot of pictures of the stuff I plan on doing so stay tuned for that.

For those who are reading my blog and enjoying it, I would like to say thank you. Without you guys I do not think I would even bother writing this blog. It means a lot that you are taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. With that being said, I am going to do my best to have daily content from now on. I am not sure what it will be about, but I will try. It might be about Star Wars or video games, but I assure you it still has some value. Those are ways that I cope so just writing about it is helpful for me.

I am concerned though that by writing about many different things, I am spreading myself too thin. What are your thoughts on that? Please let me know. Especially other bloggers.

Now, back to the original topic. I have big ideas for my University regarding April second. There is a clock tower right in the middle of the campus and I want to light it up blue for Autism awareness day. I pride myself on being a self-advocate, but I want to change that to being a advocate for all people with disabilities. I feel like this is my calling. I need to help those who cannot help themselves by spreading awareness of what people with disabilities go through. Like I said in a post from a couple of days ago, I want to be an agent of change in this country.

I want as many people as possible to know my story. So, to that end, I will be writing up my life’s story on this blog. It will take a long time to fully write it, but once it is finished I will post it and I would like as many people as possible to read and share it. I want others to know it is not impossible to attain their dreams.

My initial dream was to graduate High School, when only close friends and family said I could. I did that. Now my dream is to graduate from college and go on to get my masters in journalism. I know I can do it, and I want to be an example to those who feel that they cannot.

April is a special month, and I want everyone to know that I am here. I may be autistic, but that will not stop me, it will aid me.

I will now close with a quote from Star Wars, “The Force will be with you, always.”

Agent of Change

If you have been reading my blog or are personally acquainted with me, you know I am autistic. 

What some do not know is that I also am a advocate for autism awareness. To further my goal of doing this I took some time to step out of MY comfort zone. April is autism awareness month and I have big plans for it. I want to participate in the light it up blue campaign that Autism Speaks does. 

To that end, I decided to enlist some help. I am hoping that I will be able to get the University that I attend, Millersville, to light it up blue. 

I have made contact with a couple of organizations and I am setting up stuff to promote awareness, and I am going to hopefully get a good reception. 

You can help me out by pledging to light it up blue this April! Just wear blue on April 2nd and help me spread awareness.