Tag Archives: Autism

Autism at work, what impact is it having?

As some of you may know, I recently started an internship at Mental Health America of Lancaster County (MHA). I am enjoying my time there, and I am learning a lot. Being autistic really has not been an issue at all while I have been there. I enjoy being there and I enjoy what I am doing there.

I am contributing to their blog and their social media, and it feels great to know that I have a wider audience now than ever before. I advertised this blog in my first post at MHA, and I have seen an increase in traffic. So, I would like to thank my new readers for coming aboard!

At MHA I have done blog posts pertaining to autism. I have done a series called, “Autism, the points you need to know.” If you would like to check those out the website is here. I think I have been doing well so far. One thing that I have noticed though is that I have not jumped the hurdle of inter-office communication with my superiors.

Issues at the Internship? No, not really.

I freeze sometimes when I run into a problem that I need help with. Just sitting at my desk and make it look like I am working is what I have been going with so far. I am afraid to approach anyone about this and I do not know what to do. It has not caused anything huge, but I am afraid that it will.

I found an article on Joyable that is helping. It states that I have freeze anxiety from what I read. It is right in that regard, and I am glad to have a definition to attach to my anxiety. I have so many types of anxiety that they need categorized. If they are not, it gets to me. This is for an unknown reason mind you. My anxiety is odd to say the least.

Final Thoughts

This internship has helped me a lot though. The biggest way is that it has given me a clear purpose. Something tangible that I can cling to and develop. The brain above is what I believe my brain was like before. All symbolic of course, but I needed to be nurtured a lot. With this internship, my sense of independence is a lot higher. I take the bus to get to the internship. I am proud of the fact. The internship has had one thing, the freeze anxiety, and that is it. It is going well and I anticipate it going well throughout the summer. Thanks for reading and I will keep you guys updated!

 

Internship starts today, wish me luck!

I start a new chapter in my life today! (Sorry for using a far overused cliche) I am starting at Mental Health of America today for an internship. I am not doing it for credit, but for the experience I hope to obtain on the mental health field. That is what I want to do with my life. I want to help those going through what I have went through or are currently going through. 

I believe that no one is perfect and I wish to help everyone that I come into contact to in some way. This internship is a way for me to better myself. 

Last summer, I was miserable because I had nothing to do and I was subjected to the summer blues. I don’t want this summer to be like that. That is why I am taking the internship. I also plan on getting out of the house every day so that I am not lonely. Which was another problem that I had last summer. Being in a more populated area probably is better for me. I know that sounds odd with me being autistic, but in a odd way, being around people helps me more than not being around people. 

There will be challenges in this internship for me, I have no doubt. I also believe that the benefit I will be getting far exceeds any troubles that I might face. I have been having a hard time of it lately and I hope to power through all of that and work hard starting today!

Don’t know how I feel, but I am confused now, please help

I did an exercise in mindfulness today. I have done soul searching and I have examined myself. I have looked at past interactions and I have come to a conclusion about myself. I am obsessive. Not just about Star Wars either, but everything that I take a vested interest in. Whether it be a person or a book, a comic series or a fictional character, I become so invested mentally that it becomes unhealthy. It used to not be a problem, because it was never centered on people. I was obsessed with Star Wars and other fictitious things. It was harmless and never impacted anyone. I became so invested in Star Wars that a hunger manifested that made me want to know everything about it. I never saw that as a bad thing.

That has, unfortunately, changed. My obsessive behaviour has extended to people now. It took the person I was obsessed with telling me that I was being obsessive with her for me to stop. At least I hope I have stopped. I look back at my behaviour and I know she is right. I used social media to fuel my obsession. I would ‘like’ everything she posted and I would never quit using my phone to see if she saw my messages. I need to change if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship with anyone. I think I have burned this bridge beyond repair and while that leaves me heartbroken, I have accepted it.

I need to learn from this and try to make myself a better person. I do not know how to put my thoughts into practice though. That terrifies me too. I do not want to ask for help with this because, in my head, the only person I can ask is the person I became obsessed with. It is sickening to me to think that I think like this. I need to change. I need to become what I aspire to be and not what I was. I still do not know how to do this. So, what I am asking for is suggestions from you guys. Especially people with autism who are also obsessed with something. How have you broke your habit, if you have? I do not feel healthy in the head because of this. I think I am some sort of freak. A stalker and someone who deserves to be in prison. I hurt someone I cared about and I did it all to fulfill this need that I had. I cannot explain it. Just like I cannot explain the love I feel for Star Wars. It is just apart of me, but it shouldn’t be. The obsession of another person in very unhealthy for me and I do not know what to do about it at all. So please, help me.

My fear of Failure has Manifested today

I know that the title of the post sounds ominous and cryptic, but I want to let you know that the content is more of a revelation. A rebuilding of myself that I can only express through writing. I am not good at talking so I resort to this. A social media platform that lets me voice my concerns. After the last post, that I have deleted, was published I faced lashback that I justly deserved. I painted my family as monsters and I want them to know I am sorry. I cannot say that though because I am currently having passive panic attacks. My anxiety is easily 20/10 and my depression is not far behind. My paranoia is very high and my fear is also high. I have myself shut up in my room hoping that I can get this all type before I lose my gumption. I am terrified right now that I have failed as a person and I am not worthy of anyone’s praise or admiration.

The reason I am terrified is because of my social anxiety. It seems it has developed to extend to my family. I am loathe to say this because it hurts me deeply and I feel horrible about it. They are my biggest supporters and I could not have gotten this far without them. I am thankful to have them. They have their quirks, just like I have mine. My last post hurt them and I am sorry that I let my anger control me. It was not righteous anger, it was malicious anger that I have been bottling up for the duration of my college stay.

College is what made me angry, not my parents, not my grandparents and certainly not my brother. I wanted to hurt them and I am terrified that I have burnt a bridge that cannot be easily repaired. I need to earn back their trust. I know I do not deserve that though. I feel, right now, like a horrible person. I blew up things way out of proportion and forgot all that I have. I am not used to being angry though. The excuse probably sounds hollow to a lot of you, but I rarely get angry and when I do, stuff like this happens.

One last time I would like to apologize to my family. They did not deserve what I did to them. I am sorry.

While we are on the subject of anger I want to also examine my anger and go over it. I want to delve into what made it tick and I want to try to prevent it from happening again. I need to get angry more I think. I need to get riled up and I need to do something about it at the time it happens and not rant about it on a WordPress blog months later.

I want the parties that I discuss to understand something before I do this though. This is in no way to make you look bad; I just need to do this for my own sanity. Just thirty minutes ago I would say I was suicidal. I am not saying that to scare anyone; I just want you to understand the severity of what I have went through today and days before. I will not use names and I will try my best to be vague with descriptions. I am sorry if this is too much, I just need to do this.

Also, please understand something about autism. It is a developmental and social hindrance to those who have it. I will not say disorder, because that makes it sound like it is something wrong. It is in no way wrong to be autistic. No one chooses to have autism, no one is happy having autism. Not to be confused with the fact that those with autism are not happy. I do not want to lob all the people with autism into that, but we are people just like everyone else. We have feelings, thoughts and faults. I, myself, have a lot of faults. Or should I say quirks? Either way there are things I do in how I act that are not up to snuff.

Back to the anger bit. I have not been truly angry since I was 19, which was six years ago. Back then I was attending a community college and I was doing good grade wise. I had not had to drop out at that point yet either. This was two years before that. I had been in a mental institution the summer prior and I was doing very well for myself. Then I kind of met someone. When I say kind of I mean through the internet and through texting. I will not disclose her name. I talked to her for what seemed like a lifetime and I fell in love with this person. Now note this is all when I was 19 so I really had no concept of love at the time, but at that time I was hooked on this girl. I never got to physically meet or hear her voice though. This was something that put a great strain on our relationship. I wanted to meet her very badly and I never got to. She cut things off before things got too far and I was devastated. She was very sick though and she was going to Europe to get medical treatment. I understood from that perspective, but like I said I was devastated.

Being the person I like to think of myself as I was very concerned and wanted to keep contact while she was in Europe. We had one message and I never heard from her again. It has been six years since that happened. In the ensuing year I found out things in a sequence of events that practically destroyed me. It was the second time I tried to kill myself. As a result of what I am about to tell you.

I thought she died. In my head, which was very irrational at the time, I thought she went to Europe, could not get the medical help she needed and that she died. I was heartbroken and, like I stated earlier, tried to kill myself. This was a year after so I was 20 at the time. What actually happened is hard for me to believe, but it is the only sound conclusion that I can come to. I was lied to. The first girl never existed and was only a fabrication to turn me into a sort of plaything. I do not know if it got out of control and the second girl tried to get me to stop being obsessed with the now in question reality of the first girl. She might have done this out of regret and came up with the Europe story. The reason that the first girls reality came into question was because of my obsessive behaviour. I was messaging the first girl’s telephone number practically everyday and I was not stopping for about five months. I was getting very concerned that the first girl was not in good shape so I did something only a irrational mind could think up. I reverse called the number. I found out exactly where the texts were originating from and I was devastated with the result. They were coming from where the second girl lived. Now this is all speculation for what I am about to say after this, but the above is fact as I know it.

I think I was played. I was very angry when I found out about this, and I was also suicidal as a result of it. I do not know if it is right to blame the second girl for what happened to me as a result of my suicide attempt, but I went to the hospital for something else and just got through my suicide attempt with the help I got there. But I never told them I tried to commit suicide while I was in there. I was under the falsehood that I needed to protect the first and second girl.

That was a lot. Maybe too much, but talking about that has lifted a heavy weight from my soul. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. This whole year at college has been miserable for me. I know why now. I am not comfortable sharing that at all, but I think I have made more progress with this post than I have in a long time. I finally got all of that off of my chest. So unlike the title states, consider this post a manifestation of my success and a increase in my understanding about myself.

Also, please let me be for the time being. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to do it alone.

Cracks in the numbness

Over the past week, as some of you may know, I have been through a lot. I posted yesterday about it and I think I divulged that I was feeling numb. While this is still true, I want to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I talked to a very good friend of mine and I was given advice. I feel the advice was insightful and I appreciate it a lot.

I have also been having really bad sleep patterns lately too. I would go to sleep well past midnight and wake up early. I came up with the excuse that it was just school anxiety and that excuse was partially true. I have been successful in dropping my math course though. It was causing a lot of issues for me, and I just lobbed all of my anxiety under that.

The fact that I have been under so much stress is probably a main contributor to my issues of late too. I have been depressed, anxious, paranoid and scared.

I know that I need to move on and prepare for my internship and classes this summer. I think that distracting myself from these current problems will help greatly, but I know that I need to address them eventually. Like the namesake of this website states, this is a trial for me. One that I feel that I have initially failed, but I know that I can rebound. I hope that the person that I hurt is able to as well. I will not stop loving her, but I will stop pestering her all the time.

That is what I did majority of the time now that I look back on it. I talked to her a lot, but it was always about me. She wasn’t getting the care she needed. I thought that maybe opening up to her about my situations would help her open up to me, but I took it too far in my own care. I know that to be healthy you have to take care of yourself first, but I do not think this needs to be at the expense of others. That is what I did.

I look back at my behaviour and know that I never intended to hurt her. I was very insensitive though. I feel very badly about it too, but I cannot let it hurt me anymore. I know that may sound selfish, but I am in a bad place right now and I need to become stable. I need to regain my sanity, and I need to become whole once again. My numbness is an issue that needs to be addressed and the only way that I can do that is by working with my support network.

I have appointments set up and I want to let all of you that took the time to read this that I appreciate you reading. What I also want to say is that with this trial I hope that all parties involved have become stronger. I do not feel stronger now, and I do not know how she feels right now, but I hope we can continue to be friends.

Hello team? You there?

I pride myself on my support network that I have been building since I was 14. It includes a lot of people. I will not list them all for privacy and Hipaa sake’s. Regardless I am proud of this network. I have found a large group of people with Asperger’s/Autism on the internet. I have been looking at quite a few different blogs here on WordPress and I am happy to say I have found similarities in my story. What I mean by that is I am not alone.

I was initially just ghost reading their blogs, but I have decided to stop doing that. I am going to engage with those I have been ghost reading. I believe that I will find out more about myself by doing this. I know three other people who have autism personally. I want to make that list bigger. I want to network with those on the spectrum.

By doing this I believe that I will build up an even larger support network. I already use this blog as a coping mechanism, but I need it to be so much more. To be perfectly honest I have ulterior motives here. I am really poor and I live on 500 dollars a month from my disability. I spent money on this website and I want it to make money for me. I am tired of asking my parents for money.

To my parents: do not be offended by this. I need to make it on my own eventually anyway. I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me.

Anyway, I am reaching out via this post to put our heads together and work on advocacy for ourselves. I am slowly learning what real advocacy is. I firmly believe that there are a great number of people willing to help, but they do not know what to do. I want to inform them. Either through here or in person; I want them to learn.

Another thing I want to touch on is the misconception I have had about a certain organization. They appear on the surface to be benevolent in what they do, but I never considered that they are lining their pockets instead of helping those on the spectrum. I have donated to them and I have shown interest in participating in what they do. Upon closer inspection of them, however, I think I will withdraw my support of them. This organization being autism speaks. I have been looking at a lot of blogs recently that have been unanimous in their disapproval of the group. I did my own research on them and I have to concur.

Also I want to apologize to someone I know for stealing a catchphrase they use a lot. It is the title of this post and I hope he will forgive me. (This is all in jest. I am sure he doesn’t care right now.)

Anxiety is taking me places

The title may sound odd, but let me explain. I am an anxious guy and if you have only read one post on here you probably know that. What am I getting at? I think I an anxious on purpose.

This is just a theory, but I think I act anxious because of the responses I get. As someone with autism, I find this perplexing. I usually do not want attention. I avoid it outright. I have a panic attack though and I tell someosomeone and I get a little interaction with some one. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but what I am saying is that in my own way I crave attention. 

People know me as being anxious a lot of the time and I feel anxious a lot of the time. I just think it odd that I get the most attention when I am scared or anxious. 

Think about it for a second. I post something on Facebook that I am having a panic attack or something of that nature and I get a response. I Think that society has become nurturing for the most part and my subconscious is tapping into that by giving  panic attacks. 

This is not right. I do not think that I should use mental health as a way to get attention. Accidental or otherwise. I do my best to contain my panic, but I continue to have a lot of panic attacks. I do not like having them at all. 

What are your guys thoughts on this? Is this even plausible? Especially from other people who suffer from panic, anxiety, or are autistic. I want to know how you guys deal with it.
Thanks for reading

Autism Awareness day

The date is April 2nd and it is becoming important to me more and more with each passing year. Being a person with Autism all I want is for others to accept and try to understand. 

My University, Millersville, has done a lot this year for awareness. With the help of a lot of people, I convinced the school to light it up blue. The clock tower and the smc atrium are lit up in blue for today and the rest of the month. If your a student here and were wondering why, there is your answer. 

I am planning on participating in various events this April to help promote awareness. Today though, I will just continue  on like any other day, but with my head held high. I made a difference this month and I am happy for it.

Autism Awareness Month is Coming Up!

As some of you may know, April is autism awareness month. On April second I will be wearing blue to show my support and acceptance of others who have autism. I will be posting a lot of pictures of the stuff I plan on doing so stay tuned for that.

For those who are reading my blog and enjoying it, I would like to say thank you. Without you guys I do not think I would even bother writing this blog. It means a lot that you are taking time out of your day to read my ramblings. With that being said, I am going to do my best to have daily content from now on. I am not sure what it will be about, but I will try. It might be about Star Wars or video games, but I assure you it still has some value. Those are ways that I cope so just writing about it is helpful for me.

I am concerned though that by writing about many different things, I am spreading myself too thin. What are your thoughts on that? Please let me know. Especially other bloggers.

Now, back to the original topic. I have big ideas for my University regarding April second. There is a clock tower right in the middle of the campus and I want to light it up blue for Autism awareness day. I pride myself on being a self-advocate, but I want to change that to being a advocate for all people with disabilities. I feel like this is my calling. I need to help those who cannot help themselves by spreading awareness of what people with disabilities go through. Like I said in a post from a couple of days ago, I want to be an agent of change in this country.

I want as many people as possible to know my story. So, to that end, I will be writing up my life’s story on this blog. It will take a long time to fully write it, but once it is finished I will post it and I would like as many people as possible to read and share it. I want others to know it is not impossible to attain their dreams.

My initial dream was to graduate High School, when only close friends and family said I could. I did that. Now my dream is to graduate from college and go on to get my masters in journalism. I know I can do it, and I want to be an example to those who feel that they cannot.

April is a special month, and I want everyone to know that I am here. I may be autistic, but that will not stop me, it will aid me.

I will now close with a quote from Star Wars, “The Force will be with you, always.”

Agent of Change

If you have been reading my blog or are personally acquainted with me, you know I am autistic. 

What some do not know is that I also am a advocate for autism awareness. To further my goal of doing this I took some time to step out of MY comfort zone. April is autism awareness month and I have big plans for it. I want to participate in the light it up blue campaign that Autism Speaks does. 

To that end, I decided to enlist some help. I am hoping that I will be able to get the University that I attend, Millersville, to light it up blue. 

I have made contact with a couple of organizations and I am setting up stuff to promote awareness, and I am going to hopefully get a good reception. 

You can help me out by pledging to light it up blue this April! Just wear blue on April 2nd and help me spread awareness.