Why do I hate myself!? Healthy ways to build up your self image. Depression rears it’s ugly head. Part 2

In the year 2009 I hated myself. I hated everything about me. What I looked like, my face, my beard, how I carried myself, my autism, you think it, I hated it about myself. 

All this hatred stemmed from severe depression. This one isn’t easy to tackle, but when is depression easy? I am tackling this one now because of particular events that have happened to me personally.

I am a student at Millersville University and I feel completely alone save my family and three people. This links directly to my unwarranted anxiety post. I created a false logic and have begun to believe it. 

With that being said it is now compounded by self-loathing. The hole is really deep and I will need help to get out, but I took a huge step in healing myself: talking about it in this blog. The reason this blog really exists in this moment is to help me. It is not selfish to want to heal yourself. I want people to know that fact . Being proactive in your emotional happiness should be your number one concern. If you are happy, those around you will sense it and they will be happy too. 

Self-loathing is something all people with depression have to deal with and we are not fair to ourselves. We are not fair because we have expectations of ourselves, but I think if you are realistic with yourself you avoid the pitfall of self-loathing. Avoiding this is a key to happiness. 

It is different in many ways and all of us go through it. Personally, I let myself feel the pain then I let it go. Think back to my anxiety post and imagine that with depression. It works for me, and it might work for you. Please let you help yourself. 

Unwarranted Anxiety. What I do that might help you.

I know some people get anxious about common things. Large crowds, public speaking, and so on, but what about that anxiety that you, as a person, come up with? The anxiety you create for yourself?

For example, say you think someone dislikes you. You come up with all these reasons why they dislike you and eventually you begin to believe yourself. You actually believe that the person dislikes you. When it sometimes couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sometimes that person might even love you! Who knows? This logic that you created for yourself becomes your reality eventually.

The problem with this is that it is a logical fallacy. Mainly because there usually is no supporting evidence. Lets look at the dislike you example. What if there was no evidence that the person dislikes you? What if there is no event, or conversation, or situation that would lead you to believe that the person dislikes you? Then it becomes illogical that the person dislikes you.

If there is an event that occurred that makes you think that the person dislikes you, look at the event itself. Maybe you are over exaggerating the event? This is the time to really look hard at the event. If you look back and be truthful to yourself most times you will see that there is nothing there. It may have just been the other person having a bad moment themselves as well. It is important not to judge people too harshly. They might be going through something as well.

That doesn’t excuse rudeness, however, and, if possible, you should talk to that person and make them aware of how they made you feel. It doesn’t feel good to feel bad because of what someone might have said.

I think it is important to shield yourself at all times though.Even though most people are good, nice people there are some that are not. Those are the ones to watch out for and shield yourself from when your around them. When I say shield yourself I am bringing logic back into the picture. You know who is saying the things and sometimes you know they specifically say things to hurt others. Use the idea that if that is what they have to do to feel good you shouldn’t waste your time concerning yourself with what they think.

I think it is impossible not to create your own anxiety. What I do believe, however, is that we, as humans, can control what gets to us. The mind can be a great thing, but at the same time it can be dangerous to us as well. Use your mind, but use it well.

Sorry for breaking from the depression series so early, but I feel this is something that people need to know. I will continue the depression series tomorrow with isolating behavior.


I find you lack of interest, disturbing. Depression rears its ugly head! Part 1


As most people who have ever met me know, I am absolutely obsessed with Star Wars. It goes beyond merely liking it. I memorized the scripts of all seven movies so far. I am working on the Clone Wars currently, and do not doubt me getting there.

That being said there might have been a time where I didn’t like Star Wars. I do not remember this part of my life well with the exception of a couple of instances. These instances were when I was severely depressed and very hard on myself.

That is the actual point of the post. Not to lament over Star Wars, as much as I would love to, but to focus on a specific part of being depressed. The lack of interest in something you really enjoy can be a sign of depression in my eyes. It might be scientifically backed or something, but I don’t really think I need to prove it to you. Mainly because all of us have experienced some form of depression in varying intensities.

When you lose interest in something you love; it really sucks. Not only for you, but for those around you. At least that is how it was for me. People around me always ask me Star Wars questions. They try to stump me. No one ever has by the way, but when I lost interest I stopped doing what I loved. Researching Star Wars and reading Star Wars books. As a result of this I didn’t even answer Star Wars questions posed to me. I just ignored people who asked me the questions.

I know depression sucks, and losing my love of Star Wars was one of the most heartbreaking things about it. I couldn’t stay interested. I really wanted to, but I couldn’t. It really sickened me inside that the thing I loved wasn’t able to help me. I grew to resent it while I was depressed and soon hated it. When I climb out of the hole that is depression I quickly reconnected with Star Wars and it once again made me happy.

Loss of interest is just one of the symptoms of depression and for me it was one of the hardest parts. There are a lot more reasons that depression sucks, but this is a series so check in tomorrow for some more symptoms and my take on them.


Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. How this book saved my life.


Not many people know this about me, but I have been admitted to a mental hospital six times in my life. I feel it is important to tell you guys that because it provides context on the story that I am about to tell you.

I was suffering from a well of depression for about six months. I was right in the middle of it too. I was attending HACC Lancaster at the time and I was taking a Philosophy class. The professor talked to me one time at length due to a reason I would rather not disclose yet. He recommended a book that was very old, but helped so many people who took the time to read it. That book was Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.

This books insight’s on life were just what I needed. I won’t bore you with the details. (I want you to buy it for yourself!) The book gave me a new insight on life in general. I was able to appreciate life. Not just material goods or statues, but the miracle that life is. I am not going religious on you don’t worry, but whatever started all of this made sure the human mind was capable of finding this everlasting peace.

That peace that I have has helped me drastically. I am able to approach people and talk to them. I know a lot of people take that for granted, but imagine waiting in line at the galley, for you Millersville University students, or any line for that matter. When your in line and approach the cashier your barely able to talk to them and it makes everyone feel really awkward especially you.This is how I was for a very long time.

After reading Meditations ten or so times I began to become better socially. Which is really hard for someone with Autism. I playfully refer to myself as an autistic extrovert. That aside, I think that anyone suffering from mental illness, such as depression or anxiety, should really get this book. It helped me a lot and I hope it can help you!

Here is the link to the Barnes and Nobles website if your interested at all!




What is a panic attack? Why do they matter to me, and why should you care?



OK, like I promised is a short look at panic attacks and how I personally deal with my daily panic attacks.

A panic attack is, according to the American Psychological Association is, “a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being ‘stressed out’ that most people experience.”

For me personally, I feel like my heart is pounding so hard that it is going to break out of my chest, I can barely breathe, I gain an overwhelming amount of unwarranted fear and I tremble, and shake. That sounds awful, right? I think it is. Especially when I experience them all the time. It is hard to get used to them. I have been having them since I was 14 and I am 24 now.

I do, however, have ways to combat my panic attacks. I have become very good at literally stopping them. The way I do that is I have a sort of intuition that I will have one.

I do the following things when I feel like I am about to have a panic attack

  • I ground myself using a coping skill that works really well. Such as reading a Star Wars book, writing, playing video games and listening to music. Just something that I have to do with my hands.Something that distracts me.
  • I let people around me know that I am having one. Now this one isn’t always true, but if I am around people I trust I am able to do that.
    • If there isn’t people around you that you trust to help you, call someone, or talk to someone of some authority and have them help you.
  • I keep a log of my panic attacks, or in this case near-panic attacks, and that, surprisingly helps a lot.

Keeping a log of your panic attacks helps you stop them from happening more often. I haven’t found a sure-fire way to get rid of them completely, but some prevention is better than no prevention.

When I am having a panic attack I do the following things:

  • Sit down. This can have more benefits than other ones in my opinion. It literally grounds you.
  • Get something to drink that is very cold. I have found that if I drink something cold it lets me focus on the drink and the flavors of the drink. Basically another way to distract yourself.
  • Distract yourself; do not think of the panic. This one takes a lot of practice, but once it is mastered panic attacks are not nearly as bad.
    • Play music loud in your room or on headphones. Let the music envelope you and think only of the music.
    • Write. It doesn’t have to be about anything; just write something down. Or draw, paint, create art. This always relaxes me. This is probably my best way of dealing with a panic attack.
    • Play a game. It doesn’t have to be a video game, maybe a board or card game. Thinking about the strategy of the game really helps.

Hopefully what I do can help some other people with their panic issues or anxiety issues in general. I am signing off for today, please let me know if you need advice or someone to talk to who has been there.


First Post from the phone! Panic attacks ahoy!

Well, today’s panic attack toll has hit 2. It must be the heat. It sucks having panic attacks, but I have them so often now I hardly care. They are just an inconvenience for me. I think that people should be made aware the signs that someome around them is having a panic attack. With that being said, I am going to post a panic attacks helpers guide tomorrow. I really hope it helps someome out. Also, on Sunday, I will be discussing a favorite book of mine called Meditations. Do you know the author? Anyway, that is all for today!

Who is this Nick guy? Maybe this document will help us figure it out…

Nick Banner


Well, that is a lot of stuff to process isn’t it? This was another project for my typography class. We had to make a banner that had an 1800s flair font wise. What do you guys think? I couldn’t make Star Wars into anything but the intended font of the 1970s though; I hope you will all forgive me. That’s all for today. Maybe I will start adding more classes once I get back Sunday? What would you guys think?

First Post! Wait, school stuff!? Doom does not approve!

Hey everyone! First blog! Exciting, huh? Anyway I wanted to update you guys on a project I am working on for my Typography class this semester. I added the class a week after classes started, and so I am a little behind. The project is to take a word and, you know what? I can explain this better by just showing you.

Continue reading First Post! Wait, school stuff!? Doom does not approve!

Person with Autism giving Advice

Colleen Patricia Williams

Thoughts on art, process and life in general

Life of Chaz

Exploring What Captivates, Inspires, and Intrigues Us.


A Hub where we discuss Psychiatry and everything mental health related!



That Autism Homeschooling Mom

I’m That Autism Homeschooling Mom who blows up your feeds with memes, articles and finds related to my favorite topics, which include the following: Autism, Homeschooling, Parenting, Marriage, Food . Please don’t expect too much here. I’m the World’s Worst Blogger.

About a boy, a family and Autism

This is my account of life as a family with my wonderful little boy Lachlan who has Autism, it is a true account of the highs and lows, the battles to be heard, understood, the emotions, the impact on my older children and wider family. What worked for us and moving forward.

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

Expanded Knowing

Family and Systemic Constellations