Category Archives: Uncategorized

I would be lonely in a crowded room and everywhere else

It is hard to articulate my feelings right now. It would be simple to say lonley, but I am not.

It is a feeling of dread for being in a room of people and feeling alone in that room. They are family, but I am plagued by a feeling of not belonging. This seems to happen with all my circles as of late too.

I want a sense of community and when I am out with people, I would think I would get that feeling. That is not the case though. I feel stranded in my own mind. I do not know what my problem is and it is getting annoying to be honest.

I think that the problem is that I want acceptance. The problem with that is I have acceptance from all my groups of friends. I just don’t feel like I do. I feel uncomfortable most time, but on a bright side I am able to mask that very well.

That probably is not a bright spot though. I am wondering, constantly, what is wrong with me and I feel like I should reframe the question.

“What can I do to feel better?”

I think if I was able to answer that every day I would be happier. I know what I need to do theory wise, but application is where I struggle. Wanting to go to a party versus going to a party. That is hypothetical by the way, I hate parties.

I need to work on applying theory, I just get scared to do so. There is one subject though that I should take a cue from on other aspects of my life.

That being Star Wars. I am able to do just about anything if Star Wars is involved. I have done some pretty uncharacteristic things when Star Wars is involved. I just need to apply that skill to other things.

Thanks for reading!

Looks like I am dropping a class

Well, that BIO test I took sucked, grade-wise at least. I got a 56 percent. I studied a lot for this one too. I got tutors, walk in tutoring and all kinds of other things.

What I think is the cause of this is not only my incompetence in science, but the size of the class. 64 people are in the class and we congregate in a huge lecture hall. I get terrified just thinking about all of those people.

I am currently failing BIO, and it saddened me that I will have to drop the course. I am burning $600 because of this. It’s very frustrating.

Hopefully next semester gets better. I am taking three courses. They are Fundamentals of Journalism, Computer Assisted Journalism and Human Sexuality. I know that the writing will he intensive and I do not mind at all.

Writing is just something I am naturally good at. This is what I have been told at least.

I dread the semester that I have to take math and BIO, it truly terrifies me. I may take an online BIO course over the summer. I want to get it done.

Thanks for reading!

Taking a test

Test taking and I share a history of struggle. I am good at taking tests, but I get freaked out when I take them.

I am currently 10 minutes from taking a BIO test I am prepared for and that I studied vigorously for.

I am terrified right now, but I know I can do it! There is a lot of anxiety in me right now, and a lot of fear, but I can do this! I can do this and pass biology.

There is a lot hinging on my grade and I know that I need to focus. That us why I started writing here. It is forcing clarity upon me and my anxiety is lessening.

I’m not excited, but I know I can do it!

Can you not be angry?

Temperamental. short-fused, hot-head, these are all words that have never been used to describe me. The reasoning is simple, I rarely get angry. I know that I have posted a couple times about being angry, but I think it is a good thing. When I should have been angry, this is in the past, I bottled up my anger.

When the bottle got full

When I did get angry enough to say something, it was always an explosion. Shouting, tears and everything that goes with a meltdown burst from that bottle. Terrifying is a good way to describe me when the bottle bursts open. Fortunately, that doesn’t happen often. I have come to terms with the fact that anger is not wholly negative.

Anger, in my belief, is the mind’s way of saying something is not right and you need to know it. If I can filter my anger into a change in the way I act, I would be able to do better when I become angry. Like I said, I do not get angry often. I get frustrated and confused, but anger is not something I experience a lot of.

Where does Autism fit in?

That is something that I have been considering for a long time. I can say I have no idea and be telling the truth, but I want to brainstorm for a little and see if I can figure something out. With autism there are moments that happen that are referred to as meltdowns. It is my understanding, since I have never had one, that a child with autism does not comprehend and does not understand something and it upsets them. It could also be a trigger for the child that causes the meltdown. I applaud the parents of children with autism on this. It is a superstar effort to be able to help your child when they are having a meltdown.

I do not think that a meltdown in anger though. It is confusion and a lack of emotional experience. That is something that I have noticed with treatment for autism. I do not know the scientific terms for all of this so I am going to do my best with what words I know.

Doctors who treat people with autism always try to treat the autism and not the person. That is the wrong approach. If you focus exclusively on the disorder, you lose the person and their abilities. I remember in one of my college courses this is called the medical model. If the medical model is the prevalent way to treat people with autism, I think it should be changed.

Autism can not be cured at this point in time. What I think doctors, psychiatrists and therapists should focus on is living with autism. Try to figure out ways to cope with having autism and do not treat it like a personal defect.

I realize that I changed the topic and I apologize. Excitement over this topic is really high for me right now, and I think I can round it out to deal with anger. Just like everyone else people with autism can become angry. Some of us might have short fuses, others have longer fuses. What I am saying is that autism is just another thing that a person has to deal with.

In my next post I am going to go a little bit more in-depth with the treatment of autism and how I think it should change. I will also be doing a more in-depth explanation of anger and autism. It is a worthy endeavor and I want to do research before I start writing about it. The last thing I want to do is to give false information.

Thank you so much for reading!

Conquered the Bus, now on to the car

I have been meaning to share this story with you guys for awhile, I just never got around to it. 

At the beginning of my fall 2016 semester at Millersville I was terrified of public transportation. I had it in my head that I could not do it. So, in my conundrum, I posted to Facebook and asked for help. Needless to say, but the encouraging feedback I got  welcome.

About a year later, today, I am writing this piece on a bus in Lancaster county. I am proud of myself for being able to do this. The new goal is to get my drivers license. Which is a hurdle I do not feel I can do on my own. With some help and encouragement, I think I could. I still need to get my permit, but I believe that I will be able to drive someday.

The biggest reason that I cannot drive at this time is because I have a panic attack when I get in the driver’s seat of any vehicle. I do not know why this is. Some might say I had a traumatic experience with a car, but I do not think that is the case. 

On my mind, I feel like driving is something that you have to be responsible for. I do not want to hurt anyone by getting or causing an accident. That would weigh heavily on my mind. I feel like I need to be completely in control of my dear before I learn to drive.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every one of you that reads my stories. Thank you so much!

Old Scars

I have many scars. Some were done intentionally, while some were purely accidental. The ones that were intentional is what I want to look at tonight. 

The first one is part of a series of self inflicted wounds. The instrument that I used went too deep and caused the scar. I say ‘instrument’ mainly because I don’t want to experience the pain all over again. The emotional pain was so heavy with this one. I felt as though I was abandoned to suffer and no one cared. Even now, just typing, my heart is heavy with guilt. Still, 7 years later. I do not know if I will ever be able to divulge what truly made me cut myself all that week, but I do not want to think about it right now. I think I need to though, but I am scared. I am afraid of what I will type, what the repercussions might be. I never showed anyone this scar and I do not plan to anytime soon. 

The second one is very emotional for me and I do not want to talk about it. It is on my inner, left arm, near my elbow. Maybe someday, but not today. 

My third scar is the main one I wanted to talk about. It occupies a special place on my body. That being my heart. I remember multiple times where I have been asked if I had a super power, what would it be? My answer is always the same: reality manipulation. I am so consumed with my perceived mistakes that I feel I made in the past that I wish for a reset sometimes. That is the scar, wanting to start over my life on more than one occasion due to my emotional whims. Sonetimes, it sickens me to even think about it. I want to apologize to the people this has affected, but I am too afraid to. I am not even sure these people know what I put myself through. I put myself in My my own personal hell and my physical scars have nothing on this. I tortured myself mentally for 10 years trying to change, but I couldn’t change. I didnt need to change it turns out, but I could not convince myself of this. 20 years I hated myself and I am just now breaking free of my torture. There are two people who I can thInk for this, but I won’t mention their names. I do not want to cause undue embarrassment for them. They do not even realize what just their presence in my life means, regardless of how small it is. I love both of these people, but I know the feelings are not reciprocated, and that is fine. As long as I know they are okay, I am happy. If either of you read this, I am truly sorry for any embarrassment this causes.