I start a new chapter in my life today! (Sorry for using a far overused cliche) I am starting at Mental Health of America today for an internship. I am not doing it for credit, but for the experience I hope to obtain on the mental health field. That is what I want to do with my life. I want to help those going through what I have went through or are currently going through.
I believe that no one is perfect and I wish to help everyone that I come into contact to in some way. This internship is a way for me to better myself.
Last summer, I was miserable because I had nothing to do and I was subjected to the summer blues. I don’t want this summer to be like that. That is why I am taking the internship. I also plan on getting out of the house every day so that I am not lonely. Which was another problem that I had last summer. Being in a more populated area probably is better for me. I know that sounds odd with me being autistic, but in a odd way, being around people helps me more than not being around people.
There will be challenges in this internship for me, I have no doubt. I also believe that the benefit I will be getting far exceeds any troubles that I might face. I have been having a hard time of it lately and I hope to power through all of that and work hard starting today!
Over the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. These have ranged from despair to love. That is part of the reason I have not been posting regularly. I have also been suffering from severe depression over the past couple weeks.
To give some background on the situation, I would have to go back a couple of years ago. I am skeptical of my ability to share with you what I experienced at that point in my life. It brings up a lot of emotion from me and I do not think I can do it this time. Another time perhaps.
Regardless, it was a painful time for me. I made it through though, but I do not think I have fully recovered from it.
I believe that I have failed myself in something very personal. I have betrayed my own ideals and my own code. I had a moment of weakness that I do not feel I can atone for. This has been contributing to my depression levels greatly and I am beating myself up about it. I tried to fix it, but I cannot and I have stopped trying. I am resigned to this failure and I want to be very clear that it is my mistake. No one else’s. I am the one who had an error in judgement and hurt someone. I am the one who has failed. My love has been destroyed at its very foundation, by my own hand and I feel numb all the time now. I said something that was completely out of line and wrong.
If I try to explain to myself that people make mistakes and that is the way it is, I hate myself even more. I cannot use any excuse. Autism has nothing to do with it, and I truly feel like a complete failure. I tried to explain myself and my explanation sounds hollow even to me. I feel remorse for it, and I cannot begin to apologize enough. I do not know what posting this will do for the situation, but my outlook is grim to say the least. If I use the excuse that I need to get it off my chest, that doesn’t work. It will never work. I love someone very deeply and I think I have failed her in my attempts to let her know. Let me rephrase that. I did it wrong. I used me having autism as a way to explain it. I said I was obsessed. I knew that the person in question already has had some hard times and I think that I just screwed stuff up even more for her. I do not know for sure though. I have reached out and I have not received a reply. It’s not like I deserve a response though. It’s not in any way her fault though. All I ever did was talk about me, I never asked how she was, how she felt and how she was doing. I was selfish. I focused entirely on my problems. In essence I used her to make myself feel better and I am appalled that I did not see what I was doing.
To be completely honest, I have never dealt with loving someone though. Most people I tolerate their existence and that is pretty much it. I have a handful of friends, but I don’t consider many to be close. I have probably two super close friends. Love though is new territory for me. I do not know how to navigate my feelings and I feel like this is the reason that I screwed up so bad. These feelings are foreign to me. I don’t know what to do with them.
I initially wanted to create games. Then I wanted to write novels. Now, I am a journalist and I am happy I made this decision.
I want to help people, and the only way that I can do that is by writing. I cannot talk to people the way I want to, but I can write well. I started by just writing reviews or layout, but then I figured out what being an advocate means. I took it to heart and started writing about autism.
I kept writing about autism too. Then I started branching out to mental health in general. I started to examine myself and look at the world critically. Mainly when people with disabilities are concerned.
I advocate through words and promote through acceptance. I got my School to light it up blue! I needed a lot of assistance with that and I want to thank those who made it possible.
That is for another time though. Back to journalism for us.
Journalism is more than just writing for me. It is an outlet. I am fortunate to be Opinion editor for my schools newspaper, and with that influence I promote acceptance and awareness for many things.
I feel that taking the title of journalist I have opened myself up to the public and I do not mind. I am not going to say I do not have anything to hide, I do, but I want to be transparent with my audience.
In light of that I am going to put up some hard stuff soon. It will be hard to type, but I think I can do it.
Thanks to those who read my stuff. Your support is appreciated.
If you have been reading my blog or are personally acquainted with me, you know I am autistic.
What some do not know is that I also am a advocate for autism awareness. To further my goal of doing this I took some time to step out of MY comfort zone. April is autism awareness month and I have big plans for it. I want to participate in the light it up blue campaign that Autism Speaks does.
To that end, I decided to enlist some help. I am hoping that I will be able to get the University that I attend, Millersville, to light it up blue.
I have made contact with a couple of organizations and I am setting up stuff to promote awareness, and I am going to hopefully get a good reception.
You can help me out by pledging to light it up blue this April! Just wear blue on April 2nd and help me spread awareness.
It has been two days since Horizon Zero Dawn’s release and I am just now able to play it. My internet speeds at Millersville University are abysmal.
Anyways, I have been playing for about an hour and I have to say it. This game is phenomenal. Its gorgeous and I love just about everything about it. Stay tuned to this post. I am probably going to review as I go.
After giving the game about eight hours I still have not grasped how beautiful this game is. I wish I had a PS4 Pro and 4K TV just so I could experience it.
Besides the looks, the game is really fun. The combat feels realistic and fluid and I never have a hard time believing that my arrows should go that far. The sling is annoying though. I am trying to get past the tutorial aspect of the sling, for the experience points, and I never get it. It is a challenge that I am enjoying.
As far as story goes, it seems self-explanatory once you get past a certain cut scene. I don’t want to give it away though, so that is as much as I will talk about that. The flow of the story is nice and the side quests I get caught up in are fun, if not a little monotonous.
I like to believe that there is good, or at least a shred of it, in everyone. I have a outlook on life that gives the benefit of the doubt, but I have found myself increasingly unable to be the neutral party. My demeanor before now was that of being able to easily see both sides of a argument and make arguments based upon logical thinking.
Now, however, as information becomes more and more readily available I find myself in a place of turmoil. I like to believe that I have exposed myself to all viewpoints equally, but if I am honest with myself, I know that it is not true. I have gone down the path of the the so called “bleeding heart,” and I have been told that this is a bad thing. That I need to care about myself first and foremost and then some. I am afraid I cannot do that though. I love other people, in a general sense, and I want to help them all.
With this desire to help, I have come to the realization that not all people want help. They might not even need help, but my warped view of the world has given me the ability to find problems. I need to find problems and I seek them out, even if they do not exist. Which seems to be a problem for more than just me. The problem with others, not all others, is that their is a agenda attached to wanting to help. Helping for the sake of helping and seeing happiness blossom from our efforts seems to be gone.
Strings come attached to everything that you do. It is a sad realization that I have come to and I am loath to even write it. I am guilty of this as well. I used to have noble aspirations and I wanted to help just so I could say I made a difference.
Now? “Is there a paycheck?” It sounds like I am being thoughtful about the future, and that may be, but the urge to just help is gone and that troubles me greatly.
I think that it is a fundamental problem that needs to be addressed at the root of the start of the problem. Where is that start? Probably the media and politics. I hate the later, but I feel that I need to amend myself and find a way to make both more approachble and not so corrupt. I can do that as a journalist and that is my aspirations as a journalist. I want the trust to be won back from the public. I don’t want a hidden agenda behind a closed curtain. All I want is to help and I want to begin now.
Sorry about not posting for a month. Finals are a big time consumer. I am now at home from Millersville and that home is a new one. My family moved as I was going to school. I like it here just fine, but I miss the freedom that I had at Millersville. Regarding school, I did not do as well as I hoped. I feel like I should have put more effort into it, but hindsight always gets me it seems.
This post is more about what I hoped to do with this site in the future. I am sure many of you who read this know I am a Star Wars fan and I would like to focus on that for a little. Mental health will always be important to me and I will continue to post about it, but it gets depressing. So, I am going to nerd out, if you will, and talk Star Wars. I will also cover video games, comics, and other assorted things. I may even so some professional stuff on here.
I did not forget about this and believe me, I am no where near done!