Category Archives: New Stuff

Conflict amidst the calm

My life is going great right now. It really is. I’m in a new house, I passed my course for the fall semester, I am, by all rights happy.

Yet, there is something in the back of my mind that is bothering me and most of the time, I do not think of it. I cannot put my finger on it and it is hard for me to decipher what feeling it is. Longing or a need, something of that nature, but it is not tangible. Not physical, but emotional.

I do not think of it as looking for love, but a connection. Something less, but aiming for love? I do not think this makes sense, but maybe someone could reach out and tell me what I am trying to say.

Lonely is not the problem either. Fortunately I do not feel like that anymore, I have friends that I trust and that trust me. This feeling has no description and is not directed towards anyone.

I want a meaningful connection, but that feels like I am saying that my current ones are not adequate for me. I have no idea what I am trying to say, I really do not. I wish I did.

My heart aches when I think about this, but there is no one connected to it. Discontent is a good way of describing my current feelings. Not the one I am talking about though. It is frustrating to think about. It feels surreal to think about.

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I’m writing a book! For the past ten years?

I am sure a lot of you know about Game of Thrones and other epics such as that. What I bet you did not know is that I have built a world like that and that I have been writing a book about it for the past ten years!

The reason I am bringing this up is to give myself a reality check. I am not going to finish this book. Sure, I have 400 pages typed up, sitting on my computer, but I am not happy with it. I want it to surpass my expectations and I fear that this hindrance is stopping me from proceeding with it.

I am 25 years old and I will be turning 26 in a couple months. That means that I have been working on the SouLess project for almost ten years. What I find fascinating about this is that the core story has never changed. Even with all that I have been through, it has never changed. The story is an unreliable narrator and main character style book. Nothing that the two main characters can be taken for truth, and yet, all of it is a truth in some way shape or form.

To give some background on the story, it was originally going to be the plot of a video game. A group of my friends from high school got wind of the story and it translates into a video game plot quite well. I wanted the game to be completely open world and no red banding at all. Red banding is a way developers limit where you can go without physical barriers. Unfortunately, it never worked out and the idea was scrapped, kind of.

The story sits, to this day, in my head and on a hard drive that I have misplaced. Barring that I ever find the hard drive, I think it is safe to say the SouLess project is dead. I still love the story and I would love to tell it sometime, but that time is far in the future. I need to finish college first, get a job, and pay off my debt. Then I can freelance a little and write on the side.

Regardless, I enjoyed the time I had working on SouLess, and I will cherish that time a lot. I have bigger and better things to get to now though and I know that I will return to Lucius one of these days.

Habits that need to be broken

I am overweight. There is no way around it, and I always feel embarrassed when I talk about it. I am trying hard to not eat as much. It is not going well to say the least. I weighed 452 pounds the last time I was weighed on a scale that could weigh me. It is embarrassing for me, but I have decided that I am going to break my appetite.

Cravings

I want to eat all of the time. In a normal day I have about six meals. Each one defended with the phrase, “I was hungry.” Where I find fault in that statement is a lack of discipline. To be honest, I have no discipline when it comes to food. I eat what I want at any time. The blame is on me, to be sure, but I think there is a psychology backdrop to it as well.

I crave food all of the time and I never stop thinking about food. It has come to a point where I am considering surgery, but that is a last resort step for me. This needs to be taken care of naturally. To that end, I am enrolling into a weight loss program close to where I live. With the help of others I will be able to lose weight. I cannot do it without support.

That is how I have approached up until this point. I gave up diets many times, and I think that is because of my discipline habits.

What does this have to do with your blog?

It is quite simple, I need to hold myself accountable for my weight. By using my blog as a tool to stop my cravings I know that I can do it. I am asking my peers to help me too. It would be beneficial if I had a partner to do this with. That way we can keep each other in check. If anyone is interested, let me know.

Thanks for reading!

Blogging!

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With great anxiety, comes great opportunity

When anxious there are a lot of things that could be causing it. It could be social situations. social situations or social situations. It could be a lack of sleep
All kidding aside, I have an anxiety disorder that inhibits me a lot. At least it appeared that way.
Spider man
Even Spiderman gets anxiety.
Almost every time I experience anxiety there is something gained from it. This may sound confusing, but what I mean by this is that I am anxious because I took an opportunity. An opportunity that is making me anxious. An example is the interview for my internship. I was anxious during the entire interview, but I got the internship. That means that, in my eyes, I can use my anxiety as something positive.
The way I plan on doing this is by being mindful. Being mindful has always been a cornerstone for me anyway, but I want to apply it in a different way now. When I get anxious I cannot think straight. What if, I note when I start to get anxious and use that knowledge to become hyper aware? I do this to an extent already for my panic attacks, but it needs to extend to my anxiety as well.
Coping with my panic attacks has given me a lot of insight. With my panic attacks I have become fluent in detecting them and dealing with them as they happen. Why can I not apply that to general anxiety? The answer is simple, I can and I should.
My anxiety has been a constant issue for me as of late and I am hoping this new technique will help relieve some of it. It is hard to function at a correct level when you are anxious a good deal of the time. Anxiety can be debilitating and scary, but believe me, you can get through it. I do, I do not do so in an efficient manner though.
With using a new technique it can always go well, or it can go bad. I am going to use the techniques that I developed with panic attacks, but with general anxiety. I am going to try this out for a week or so. Then I will post about it again. Here’s to hoping it works!
For another post I am wanting to do a experiment. I am going to do a bunch of anxiety worksheets, but I want to know what you guys think I should do. I am linking the website that I found the worksheets.
I would like some feedback on some of the worksheets. Do them for yourself, or give them to someone you know. Thanks for reading!

Dungeons and Dragons, the game that broke my shell

I remember back to the first day I played Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) with great fondness. It was at a game shop called War and Pieces. I loved that place and miss it greatly. 

The character I made was a human variant cleric. For those of you who do not know what that is, comment if you want more info. I named him Paxis. The name I use for everything. Eventually his gender was changed by a spell and I became Paxis. I decided it was a unisex name. Anyway, the reason I am bringing this up is because of the social anxiety that I had to break to play DnD. 

It is a interactive game where you have to talk, and explain what you want to do. I started when I was 20, I think, and I have become good at it. I have even become an left field Dungeon Master (DM). My DM style is weird and a lot of people seem to enjoy it. The point here is that I became confident with my interactive skills,and decided to run campaigns. Not just participate, but be the driving force of the story. 

It feels great when I am playing DnD because I feel a kinship with the players and my peers. I want to do a lot with DnD, maybe DM at conferences, and all kinds of other things. I love DnD and I do not plan on stopping anytime soon.