Category Archives: Mental Health

Depression, why do you keep coming back?

I have been up for three hours and I am being torn down by depression this morning. It might be that I am super anxious and I cannot deal with that either today. I do not know what is wrong with me today. Therefore I am blogging about it. This seems to be a great way for me to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I do not like being depressed, but it seems that being depressed likes me. I have, at least, three episodes a month of crippling depression. Unfortunately, I cannot be depressed today. I have obligations to The Snapper. The student newspaper that I am opinion editor for. Having a sense of nausea and a general bad feeling is not helping the case either.

If I am being honest with myself, I think I am a failure today. I took Rondo out this morning and I could not stay out that long without getting scared. It may sound weird, but the outside is too big for me right now. With that being said, I need to campus today so I can work on my layout for the Snapper. It is the fear that I cannot do those two tasks that I am getting anxious and depressed. It is a vicious cycle taking place right now.

I could use a pep talk, a hug, or just a hello this morning. Even though its almost noon, I still want something. I know, deep down, what is bothering me. I am too afraid to talk about it though with anyone. I do not have the courage to talk about it on here, and I am too afraid to talk about it in therapy or even with a friend. It feels horrible that I cannot even talk about it. I am scared and I do not know what to do.

I have dealt with all kinds of feelings and emotions; not this though. I want to go into more detail, but my anxiety is stopping me in my tracks. I do not want to hurt anyone and I will not hurt anyone. This is because I am not going to talk about it. Maybe I can tomorrow when I go into therapy, but I cannot right now. I do not even know if I will be able to tomorrow.

My therapists and I have good relationships. I know it is their jobs to listen, but I feel like I have built up a rapport with both of them. They have known me for almost 12 years for the first one and about two for the second one. Sufficient to say, they know me pretty well. I do not want to sabotage either of those relationships. I know, logically, that this would never happen. They are both there to help and give advice, but the illogical side of my brain is saying that sabotage is inevitable in this situation.

I need to suppress the illogical side of my thinking. I am an overthinker and I need to stop doing that. I do not want to be impulsive, but I want to be in the happy middle of overthinking and being impulsive.

The depression is still there, but I think I can get out of the house now. Hopefully, I will be able to function around people today as well. The whole time that I was writing this blog post, I was fighting with myself. I defeated my anxiety for now. I know it will come back sooner or later, preferably later, but I will deal with it at that point. I will not worry about impending anxiety.

Sharing switch up/ Anyone out there?

It seems that I have times when my writing is horrible. Then, on other occassions, my writing is almost flawless.

I am looking mainly at the times that I write. The blog post that I posted earlier this afternoon was written Friday night and scheduled. With that in mind, I am going to do an experiment. To try to find out when my writing is at it’s best and when it’s at it’s worst. My hypothesis is that writing later in the day means it will be a better quality.

So, I am writing this post at 9:52 PM on Saturday night. I am going to schedule for tomorrow at noon tomorrow.

Now, for some updates. I have been having issues as of late. I do not want to go into specifics because of the sensitivity of the issue. If you want to know more, I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about. Even with family, it has been hard to talk about.

Sufficient to say, I am torturing myself over something that I did. The guilt is piling up and grows greater every day. I am going to intensive therapy right now about this and getting the help I need.

If anyone who reads this suffers from autism and is willing to talk to me about a sensitive issue, could you please contact me? I want to talk to someone older than me and more experienced than me. I’m 26 just for reference. I want to get insight from someone on the spectrum.

I feel it’s necessary for me to talk to someone else on the spectrum. Thank you for any help that I might get.

Why am I so worried?

Obi-wan may have been sarcastic in the gif that I used above, but I am doing a good job, yet I have been having doubts as of late about myself and it is affecting my daily life in unproductive ways.

I am always worried that I am failing at something. It does not have to be anything concrete either, it can be something like life.

An example of a thought that I had the other day, “I am failing at life.” I know that this is an absurd statement and I am not failing at life, but I still feel like that sometimes. As of late, I have gotten better at conveying my thoughts and emotions through FaceBook messenger. There are a few people who let me vent to them and help me get through my emotions.

One of those people I developed feelings for and I convinced myself that I had these feelings for a long time. Even though they manifested due to an issue that I was having with someone else that we both knew. I made a fool of myself and I felt I was close to losing a dear friend of mine due to things that I said.

That is another thing that I perceive that I am failing at. That being relationships. Up until now, I have been terrified of being in meaningful relationships and I never truly pursued one, save the one from this past summer that I messed up. The past couple of weeks I have asked two people out. I was turned down by both and I think that caused a catalyst for me. I started behaving differently and I said things that I regret now.

The first girl I asked out was okay with me after the fact and I still would like to believe that we are friends, but there is a voice in the back of my head that says that I messed up any chance I might have had. Just at being friends, not in a romantic sense, and I let that voice’s power grow. That led to the situation with the second girl I asked out. She was kind enough to let me down easy and I appreciated that, but I developed this perverse thought that I could talk to her about anything. No boundaries and I said things and sent her things that I greatly regret. That voice telling me I was failing was in loudspeaker mode at that point.

Then, she forgave me. It was that simple. She forgave me for my stupidity and set boundaries that I would not cross. Even though I feel horrible with how I treated her, I am thankful that the situation happened. It showed me a great many things about myself that I had not realized up until that point.

Those things being that when I become attracted to someone I need to look at my inner self and tell it to slow down and be thoughtful. This is something I was not in the last situation I put myself. The second thing is that I need to really soul search myself. Not just the cursory glance like I usually do, but an in-depth analysis. I have feelings that need to be sorted out. I have habits that need to be broken.

As a result of all of this that has been happening, I have been having nightmares for the past four days. I hope by writing this piece I can stop them. I will let you guys know tomorrow if I have one.

Also, for a fleeting moment, I blamed my autism. It was just a moment, but long enough that I noticed it. I feel half sick that I would blame autism for this. I have beaten autism; at least I thought I had. I refuse to use it as a crutch though. I want to stand on my own and take the responsibility of what I have been doing. A lot of it has been wrong and I am working to fix it.

It’s good that I have recognized that I have a problem that needs to be addressed though and it is something that I can talk to with my support network. It is something that I have to talk with about with my support network.  I need to leave the thoughts I have been having behind and start moving forward. There are things I would like to have and I am working on ways to get those things. I got a job, but I am not sure when I start, but I am really excited for that.

Finances have been an issue for me as of late too. I am on disability and I am having a hard time making ends meet, hence the job. I am just worried about how much I am allowed to make versus my disability income. It seems to be a fine line; one that I need to explore. I also need to cut expenses. I make it sound easy, but it will require me to get rid of things that I love. Such as my magic cards. They hold value and I have need of value, so I will have to start selling some of the more expensive ones. I also need to start budgeting a lot better. I used to just spend money and hope that my parents could bail me out, but that is something that I need to stop doing. I am living in a house separate from them and there is no need for them to have to worry about my finances.

To go back to the title of the post, “Why am I so worried?” I think I have the answer to that question. I am an adult and I have to be responsible to take care of everything on my plate, and if I cannot start taking things off of the plate. Start dedicating more time to productive activities and do things to help me further my goals. It’s going to be a hard adjustment for me, but I know I can do it.

Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it.

 

A place that should not feel comfortable, yet it did

I just left New York City. I have been there since Wednesday. I was there because I was attending a conference for journalism. I was quite content there, much to my surprise. Cities are usually a place I do not feel very comfortable in. All the people and all of the sensory things.

I was fine though. Being self aware helped me out for this trip. I had one anxiety spike the whole trip. Not to say there were no stresses, but I did well and had a lot of fun.

My fear going on this trip was that it would be a repeat of last year’s trip and I am happy to say I was wrong. I attended panels and networked with professionals in the journalism field.

I was able to build connections with the rest of the staff for the paper too. I cherish the connections I made this past weekend.

The trip was a success on many levels. I revealed sides of myself that I have never done before. I was communicating what I needed a lot better than usual and I adapted to situations when the need arised.

I am thankful for the group I was able to go with. They are a great group of people. I’m glad that I know them. I never thought I would be at this point in my life. Where I have friends thar legitimately care about me. Before, I did not think I was worthy of that. Now, my thinking differs from that perception.

I learned stuff about myself too during this trip. I revealed my super analytical side to a member of staff and that person is now a confidant for me. I have three now! I never in my life thought I would have such good friends.

Thank you Snapper. I really appreciate you guys.

Ashamed of my own thoughts?

When it comes to sharing my thoughts on mental illness I am not usually one to falter in expressing myself. I have always thought of myself as an advocate for those who have a mental illness. Lately, I feel like I am failing at being an advocate for myself. I have come to terms with autism long ago, but I feel uneasy about other parts of my mind.

I am referencing my high school years and my feelings that I had back then. In direct relation to the most recent school shooting in Parkland. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get, and it has been quite a few days of thinking. I feel ashamed of what I was and I wish there was some way that I could go back and shake myself out of it.

Using a scaling system is probably the best way to describe my mental shortcomings from back then.

Anxiety – 10/10

Depression 10/10

Paranoia – 10/10

Fear – 9/10

Those were the big four for me back then. Specifically when I was 16. It was my junior year in High School. I was always anxious that I was failing at being a good person. That, in turn, depressed me and caused me to fear repercussions. Namely the reemergence of my suicidal thoughts that I had when I was 14. I do not like to think about my ninth and tenth grade years that often, but if I do, I remember the first time I started cutting, the first time I burnt myself, the first time I attempted to kill myself. I hate what I was back then and I am terrified, currently, that it is going to all happen again. I can feel the claws of depression digging at me at this very moment.

I do not currently need a more intensive treatment at this time. The big reason for that is because I am a genius at planning ahead for this kind of thing. I have my support network, I have my family, friends, my roommates, the magic club, the snapper editorial board, my icm, my therapist and psychiatrist, and close friends that I confide in on a daily basis. I am calling out to these people with this post, I need help and I am going to need you to help me get back on my feet. I need to beat the depression once again before it overtakes me one more time.

The first thing that I need to do is tackle the anxiety and the fear. They both feed the paranoia and the depression. What makes me anxious? The question used to be really easy to answer. Being around people was my biggest stressor. That is not saying it still is not a huge stressor sometimes, but its effectiveness at stressing me out has severely diminished over the years.

I think that the dominant stressor now is this: hiccups in social interactions and what to do with said hiccups. What I mean by hiccups are perceived mistakes that I make in conversation or interaction with other people. They could be legitimate mistakes too, I am not above admitting that I am horrible at reading people. I do not understand body language and when I try to read lips, I end up botching it. With this perceived mistakes though, I need a helping hand. I need the people I make these mistakes with to be understanding if they are in my network. I am not a perfect person, but I am striving to do all that I can in learning body language.

A common mistake that I make is when I am talking to girls. This one is embarrassing to admit, but I try to look into peoples eyes when I talk to them. When I talk to a girl that is pretty to me, I cannot hold eye contact. I end up looking directly at their chests and I know that it makes them uncomfortable. It’s not on purpose, I really want to emphasize this. I respect all people and I pride myself on being able to hold eye contact when I am talking to someone. It’s just something that I need to work on. I have no way of getting better at this though, at least that is how I view it. Once I start looking down, I feel embarrassed and try to get away from the conversation so I can privately berate myself for my stupidity. I do not try to make women uncomfortable, I really do not and I do not know what to do about this particular issue.

I could write for hours on what I think my social miscues are, but I do not think that it would be very productive. I think I need to start taking action against myself for this type of behavior.

The second thing that needs to be looked at is my fear levels. They are stable at this point, but I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about them. I have conquered many of my fears lately, but there are still a few that are pretty big obstacles. I have unwarranted fears. Things like fearing that a meteorite will pinpoint my location and surgically hit me so I go into a coma for three years exactly. See how outrageous that sounds. That is the type of thought patterns that my head goes through. It was even worse back in tenth grade though. It was at that point in my life that I had a morbid mind and I would rather not go into specifics of what my thoughts were. Sufficient to say, I needed the hospital at that point. It was not a healthy pattern that I adopted back then.

I am afraid of my old self, to summarize, and I will do anything to not let that person come back. I just need a little help from my friends, as Joe Cocker would say.

Anxiety over the small things

I had my first panic attack in two months this morning. It felt alien to me and I have to say that I enjoyed the feeling being abnormal. What I mean by this is that I have had points in my life where panic attacks were a daily thing.

Admittedly, today’s panic attack was hard to get through and that is due to an unfamiliarity with the feelings that accompany them. Looking at the silver lining here is easy for me. It is good that I do not have to experience that kind of feelings as often. I hate having panic attacks, and I would say with confidence that it is one of the worst feelings that I have had to deal with.

Regardless of the frequency of my panic attacks, I did get through the one from this morning. I had an alright day. Depression is looming and I am fighting with myself to keep it at bay. What I find odd about my depression is that I can tell when it is coming. It seems that I make a decision prior to becoming depressed. That decision is whether I want to be depressed or not.

That sounds off though, does it not? I thought about it and I figured something out about me that I am still trying to wrap my head around. I sabotage myself. It is that simple. I do things that hurt me as a way to torture myself. So in a weird, non-physical way, I am harming myself. What I need to do to stop this cycle of behaviour is what I am doing right now. I need to write and record what I do. If I do this I know that the information is public and, in my head, that will stop me from sabotaging myself. Does this sound like something that could work? I am not sure about it, yet I need to give it a try.

Self-sabotage is not something that I should be engaging in. The more I think about it, the more I can look to events and credit myself for messing them up horribly. Just recently, as ashamed as I am to admit it. I lost my job. When I first thought about what I did and could have done to prevent this, my mind decided to omit something. I made myself feel sick and in turn, made myself believe I could not go to work.

I feel sick right now thinking about it. My anxiety is a 10/10 currently because of what this could mean for the other two people who live in my house. I need to know why I self-sabotage. It is imperative that I figure this out.

My first thought and probably my last thought on this is this. I am afraid of too much success. I want to fail because I am afraid of the social interaction that comes with success. As weird as it sounds I think I can pinpoint the moment that influenced this behaviour. It was when I started working on the newspaper at HACC. I am a great writer and I eventually proved that fact. I won an award for my writing and I was at an awards ceremony for just that. I had the third best personality profile in the state of Pennsylvania that year.

I had to get up and accept the award and I believe that this moment created a negative feeling in me. At least in my subconscious. I have continued to do well in my craft of writing and I have no doubt that I will win more awards, but I think that I will sabotage myself again. That is something that I need to stop.

Now that I have realized this, I think that I can break free of this. It is something that I need to do. I am going to need help though. I am asking everyone who reads this, whether you know me personally or read this blog, to help. I need to be reminded that I cannot self-sabotage myself. I need to be reminded that success is good and that failure, while not always bad, is a negative for the most part. I may be able to learn from failure, but I have failed on purpose so I need to be told that I cannot fail. I will not fail. I promise myself that.

Here is my piece that I wrote today:

 

Sliding through,

hate

I am contempt

hate

pure utter loathing.

hate

With this,

hate

I influence all.

hate

public perception,

hate

of all of the people.

hate

Is what I desire

hate

 

Update on the test

Well, I took the test. I think I did well on the test too. I was freaked out throughout and it distracted me, but I got through it pretty well. It was a big confidence booster to me that I was able to feel like I did well on a test that had over 60 people in the room.

I probably do not have to remind some of you, but for the others, I’m terrified of crowds of people over 20. I say 20 because that is my reasonable limit of people that I can be around and not freak out. Yet, I was able to be in a room of 60 people and I took a test. This may not sound like a big deal to a lot of people, but for those on the spectrum, this is a huge deal. Especially those who also have social anxiety to go with it.

This accomplishment is not acting as a catalyst though and I am somewhat surprised by this. Usually, when I do something this big, I have a sense of elation and I always feel great about it. Nowadays this feels like commonplace and that is a great thing for me.

I look at myself and my accomplishments while having autism and I think that it is not a big deal. Most of the people in my support network think it is a big deal though. I want to live my life, having a disability, in relative comfort and happiness. I find myself restless though. I feel like I have to do more and I do not know if I can. Am I pushing myself too far? That is a question that I will be addressing in the coming months.

That being the case, I have a pretty big moment about to happen in my life and I am anxious, scared, excited and elated at the same time. I am moving into a house with two people that have worked with the Snapper. I am really excited about this and I am also, like I said, terrified of this.

I will keep you all posted! Thanks!

The Anniversy that I wish would not take place

Do I have the strength to type this? That will be a question that will plague me throughout writing this post. This one is going going to be heavy and hard for me to type, but I need to get rid of this.

I do not know if some of you remember my post from the beginning of the summer. The one involving someone I love. I figured out why I am so bad at doing that kind of thing, and it has little to do with that person, it has a lot to do with myself and another. I have never publically talked about this, and I am scared to do so.

The year was 2010 and I was just beginning school at Harrisburg Area Community College (HACC.) I was really excited and could not wait to begin a new chapter in my life. What was unbeknownst to me is that I would have a girlfriend shortly after the semester began. It was a short affair, all things considered, but it profoundly affected me and continues to affect me to this day.

I met her through a mutual friend, I use the term met loosely too because I never physically met her. I talked to her a lot though and I developed feelings for her that can only be described as love. We continued to talk and talk, and eventually, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I was madly in love so of course, I said yes.

The relationship was great for a couple weeks, even though I still never got a chance to meet her, but that was something I was hoping to remedy. Events in her life happened thought that caused her to want to break up with me. She said she still loved me, but that she could not be in a relationship with me, I needed to be free of her. That happened on November 10th of 2010. I was upset, but I thought, at the time, that I understood. I told her it was okay and that I would wait for her.

Now, this is where I put myself into a bad light and reveal things about myself that I think women that I like now should know. I do not know if it will change anything in my life, but like I said, I need to get through this to move on.

After the breakup, there was little contact, and I was upset. The little contact grew into no contact whatsoever. Events started occurring that made me think that she was dead or at least moved to Europe or something. I was freaking out. I needed to know if she was okay. I continually sent messages and tried calling to no avail. I needed this closure and I never got it. The more I thought about it the more I did irrational things to try to figure out what happened. I became obsessed with figuring out what happened.

There is that word again, obsessed. It seems that is what happens when I fall for someone. Anyway, like I was saying, I was doing irrational things. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never existed in the first place and that she was the creation of someone else. I still do not know to this day if that is true or not, and it eats away at me for the whole month of November. This happened seven years ago and I need to get closure, but I am not closer to closure than I was in 2010.

The whole situation has affected me negatively and I think the ripple effects of it are still happening. I need to remove myself from the whole situation and just forget. That is the problem though, I had strong feelings for her and not knowing if she even existed is hard for me to even attempt to have closure. I do not know what to do. I really do not.

If I knew the answers to this mystery, maybe I could have closure, but I still have a yearning to know if she is okay. I cling to the last thread hoping she will contact me, if that were to happen I think I could have some closure, but I am not sure. If she did not even exist, I do not know what to do. I need help with this.

That is part of the reason I finally wrote this piece. I need this closure like I have been saying, and I think that writing this will help me attain this closure. I need to do this, for my own sanity. Seven years I have been dealing with not knowing, and I need to either stop caring or find a way to finish what I started.

Thank you to everyone that read this, I really appreciate it. Sorry I have not been posting as much. I plan to remedy that issue. I want to let everyone know that I am in a good state of mind now, and that writing this post was therapeutic for me. So please, do not worry, I will be fine.

Back in the swing of things

With my last post, I mentioned I might start blogging again. I have decided to do just that and I will start in earnest on Monday, October 30th. Why wait? I need to clean some stuff up in my head to get into a spot where I am once again comfortable sharing with the internet.

I have been in an awkward place these past couple months and I thank you all for your patience with me. Being back in a place where my confidence back feels great and I feel like I need to share what I went through with you guys so you can avoid my mistakes. I have made plenty and I want to let those who go to college know that it is alright to make mistakes. What matters is how we rebound from those mistakes.

I think I have rebounded well and I will start this restorative cycle with my blogging. I look forward to sharing with all of you. Thank you all for the support.