I start a new chapter in my life today! (Sorry for using a far overused cliche) I am starting at Mental Health of America today for an internship. I am not doing it for credit, but for the experience I hope to obtain on the mental health field. That is what I want to do with my life. I want to help those going through what I have went through or are currently going through.
I believe that no one is perfect and I wish to help everyone that I come into contact to in some way. This internship is a way for me to better myself.
Last summer, I was miserable because I had nothing to do and I was subjected to the summer blues. I don’t want this summer to be like that. That is why I am taking the internship. I also plan on getting out of the house every day so that I am not lonely. Which was another problem that I had last summer. Being in a more populated area probably is better for me. I know that sounds odd with me being autistic, but in a odd way, being around people helps me more than not being around people.
There will be challenges in this internship for me, I have no doubt. I also believe that the benefit I will be getting far exceeds any troubles that I might face. I have been having a hard time of it lately and I hope to power through all of that and work hard starting today!
I did an exercise in mindfulness today. I have done soul searching and I have examined myself. I have looked at past interactions and I have come to a conclusion about myself. I am obsessive. Not just about Star Wars either, but everything that I take a vested interest in. Whether it be a person or a book, a comic series or a fictional character, I become so invested mentally that it becomes unhealthy. It used to not be a problem, because it was never centered on people. I was obsessed with Star Wars and other fictitious things. It was harmless and never impacted anyone. I became so invested in Star Wars that a hunger manifested that made me want to know everything about it. I never saw that as a bad thing.
That has, unfortunately, changed. My obsessive behaviour has extended to people now. It took the person I was obsessed with telling me that I was being obsessive with her for me to stop. At least I hope I have stopped. I look back at my behaviour and I know she is right. I used social media to fuel my obsession. I would ‘like’ everything she posted and I would never quit using my phone to see if she saw my messages. I need to change if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship with anyone. I think I have burned this bridge beyond repair and while that leaves me heartbroken, I have accepted it.
I need to learn from this and try to make myself a better person. I do not know how to put my thoughts into practice though. That terrifies me too. I do not want to ask for help with this because, in my head, the only person I can ask is the person I became obsessed with. It is sickening to me to think that I think like this. I need to change. I need to become what I aspire to be and not what I was. I still do not know how to do this. So, what I am asking for is suggestions from you guys. Especially people with autism who are also obsessed with something. How have you broke your habit, if you have? I do not feel healthy in the head because of this. I think I am some sort of freak. A stalker and someone who deserves to be in prison. I hurt someone I cared about and I did it all to fulfill this need that I had. I cannot explain it. Just like I cannot explain the love I feel for Star Wars. It is just apart of me, but it shouldn’t be. The obsession of another person in very unhealthy for me and I do not know what to do about it at all. So please, help me.
I know that the title of the post sounds ominous and cryptic, but I want to let you know that the content is more of a revelation. A rebuilding of myself that I can only express through writing. I am not good at talking so I resort to this. A social media platform that lets me voice my concerns. After the last post, that I have deleted, was published I faced lashback that I justly deserved. I painted my family as monsters and I want them to know I am sorry. I cannot say that though because I am currently having passive panic attacks. My anxiety is easily 20/10 and my depression is not far behind. My paranoia is very high and my fear is also high. I have myself shut up in my room hoping that I can get this all type before I lose my gumption. I am terrified right now that I have failed as a person and I am not worthy of anyone’s praise or admiration.
The reason I am terrified is because of my social anxiety. It seems it has developed to extend to my family. I am loathe to say this because it hurts me deeply and I feel horrible about it. They are my biggest supporters and I could not have gotten this far without them. I am thankful to have them. They have their quirks, just like I have mine. My last post hurt them and I am sorry that I let my anger control me. It was not righteous anger, it was malicious anger that I have been bottling up for the duration of my college stay.
College is what made me angry, not my parents, not my grandparents and certainly not my brother. I wanted to hurt them and I am terrified that I have burnt a bridge that cannot be easily repaired. I need to earn back their trust. I know I do not deserve that though. I feel, right now, like a horrible person. I blew up things way out of proportion and forgot all that I have. I am not used to being angry though. The excuse probably sounds hollow to a lot of you, but I rarely get angry and when I do, stuff like this happens.
One last time I would like to apologize to my family. They did not deserve what I did to them. I am sorry.
While we are on the subject of anger I want to also examine my anger and go over it. I want to delve into what made it tick and I want to try to prevent it from happening again. I need to get angry more I think. I need to get riled up and I need to do something about it at the time it happens and not rant about it on a WordPress blog months later.
I want the parties that I discuss to understand something before I do this though. This is in no way to make you look bad; I just need to do this for my own sanity. Just thirty minutes ago I would say I was suicidal. I am not saying that to scare anyone; I just want you to understand the severity of what I have went through today and days before. I will not use names and I will try my best to be vague with descriptions. I am sorry if this is too much, I just need to do this.
Also, please understand something about autism. It is a developmental and social hindrance to those who have it. I will not say disorder, because that makes it sound like it is something wrong. It is in no way wrong to be autistic. No one chooses to have autism, no one is happy having autism. Not to be confused with the fact that those with autism are not happy. I do not want to lob all the people with autism into that, but we are people just like everyone else. We have feelings, thoughts and faults. I, myself, have a lot of faults. Or should I say quirks? Either way there are things I do in how I act that are not up to snuff.
Back to the anger bit. I have not been truly angry since I was 19, which was six years ago. Back then I was attending a community college and I was doing good grade wise. I had not had to drop out at that point yet either. This was two years before that. I had been in a mental institution the summer prior and I was doing very well for myself. Then I kind of met someone. When I say kind of I mean through the internet and through texting. I will not disclose her name. I talked to her for what seemed like a lifetime and I fell in love with this person. Now note this is all when I was 19 so I really had no concept of love at the time, but at that time I was hooked on this girl. I never got to physically meet or hear her voice though. This was something that put a great strain on our relationship. I wanted to meet her very badly and I never got to. She cut things off before things got too far and I was devastated. She was very sick though and she was going to Europe to get medical treatment. I understood from that perspective, but like I said I was devastated.
Being the person I like to think of myself as I was very concerned and wanted to keep contact while she was in Europe. We had one message and I never heard from her again. It has been six years since that happened. In the ensuing year I found out things in a sequence of events that practically destroyed me. It was the second time I tried to kill myself. As a result of what I am about to tell you.
I thought she died. In my head, which was very irrational at the time, I thought she went to Europe, could not get the medical help she needed and that she died. I was heartbroken and, like I stated earlier, tried to kill myself. This was a year after so I was 20 at the time. What actually happened is hard for me to believe, but it is the only sound conclusion that I can come to. I was lied to. The first girl never existed and was only a fabrication to turn me into a sort of plaything. I do not know if it got out of control and the second girl tried to get me to stop being obsessed with the now in question reality of the first girl. She might have done this out of regret and came up with the Europe story. The reason that the first girls reality came into question was because of my obsessive behaviour. I was messaging the first girl’s telephone number practically everyday and I was not stopping for about five months. I was getting very concerned that the first girl was not in good shape so I did something only a irrational mind could think up. I reverse called the number. I found out exactly where the texts were originating from and I was devastated with the result. They were coming from where the second girl lived. Now this is all speculation for what I am about to say after this, but the above is fact as I know it.
I think I was played. I was very angry when I found out about this, and I was also suicidal as a result of it. I do not know if it is right to blame the second girl for what happened to me as a result of my suicide attempt, but I went to the hospital for something else and just got through my suicide attempt with the help I got there. But I never told them I tried to commit suicide while I was in there. I was under the falsehood that I needed to protect the first and second girl.
That was a lot. Maybe too much, but talking about that has lifted a heavy weight from my soul. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. This whole year at college has been miserable for me. I know why now. I am not comfortable sharing that at all, but I think I have made more progress with this post than I have in a long time. I finally got all of that off of my chest. So unlike the title states, consider this post a manifestation of my success and a increase in my understanding about myself.
Also, please let me be for the time being. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to do it alone.
I am not in college for five days. I start back up on May 15th. I am looking forward to my class very much. It’s digital media theory, which if you think about it is exactly what I am doing right now. This is digital media. I am going to learn how to talk to you guys better I hope.
That’s five days from now though. What I want to revel in is that I have been successful in finishing this semester. I have had a lot of ups and downs. That is not an understatement at all either. I have been so close to the edge this semester. I almost fell off too. I was very close to saying I needed crisis prevention. This is not a bad thing though, don’t get me wrong. Asking for help is not a bad thing at all.
I almost dropped out completely. I finished the semester with one class left. I withdrew from Typography II and Math. I had to medically withdraw from Math. This was due entirely to all the stress that it was causing. It was a tough time. I just do not get math.
I went to New York City though and got through that. It was terrifying, but I had a lot of fun. I had a great group that I went with. It was a conference for student newspapers. It was awesome and very informative, but like I said, terrifying.
I raised autism awareness in the month of April too. I got my School to light it up blue. Which was great. I learned a lot about Asperger’s and autism this year too. I still am going to differentiate the two. I think all forms of autism should be looked at closer, but that rant is for another post.
I learned my political and moral identity this year. It was a huge step in my quest to define myself. Which does not include autism I found out. It is just something that I live with. It is just something that I have to get through everyday.
I started blogging in earnest this year too. I have become invested in this blog and I am proud of myself for being able to open up to so many people. I know my story can help and I want to continue to help others.
I think that, all in all, this semester had been very successful. I am looking forward to the summer though. My internship and classes await!
I pride myself on my support network that I have been building since I was 14. It includes a lot of people. I will not list them all for privacy and Hipaa sake’s. Regardless I am proud of this network. I have found a large group of people with Asperger’s/Autism on the internet. I have been looking at quite a few different blogs here on WordPress and I am happy to say I have found similarities in my story. What I mean by that is I am not alone.
I was initially just ghost reading their blogs, but I have decided to stop doing that. I am going to engage with those I have been ghost reading. I believe that I will find out more about myself by doing this. I know three other people who have autism personally. I want to make that list bigger. I want to network with those on the spectrum.
By doing this I believe that I will build up an even larger support network. I already use this blog as a coping mechanism, but I need it to be so much more. To be perfectly honest I have ulterior motives here. I am really poor and I live on 500 dollars a month from my disability. I spent money on this website and I want it to make money for me. I am tired of asking my parents for money.
To my parents: do not be offended by this. I need to make it on my own eventually anyway. I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me.
Anyway, I am reaching out via this post to put our heads together and work on advocacy for ourselves. I am slowly learning what real advocacy is. I firmly believe that there are a great number of people willing to help, but they do not know what to do. I want to inform them. Either through here or in person; I want them to learn.
Another thing I want to touch on is the misconception I have had about a certain organization. They appear on the surface to be benevolent in what they do, but I never considered that they are lining their pockets instead of helping those on the spectrum. I have donated to them and I have shown interest in participating in what they do. Upon closer inspection of them, however, I think I will withdraw my support of them. This organization being autism speaks. I have been looking at a lot of blogs recently that have been unanimous in their disapproval of the group. I did my own research on them and I have to concur.
Also I want to apologize to someone I know for stealing a catchphrase they use a lot. It is the title of this post and I hope he will forgive me. (This is all in jest. I am sure he doesn’t care right now.)
The date is April 2nd and it is becoming important to me more and more with each passing year. Being a person with Autism all I want is for others to accept and try to understand.
My University, Millersville, has done a lot this year for awareness. With the help of a lot of people, I convinced the school to light it up blue. The clock tower and the smc atrium are lit up in blue for today and the rest of the month. If your a student here and were wondering why, there is your answer.
I am planning on participating in various events this April to help promote awareness. Today though, I will just continue on like any other day, but with my head held high. I made a difference this month and I am happy for it.