Category Archives: Autism

Overthinking again

I tend to overthink from time to time. This is not necessarily a bad thing, yet it troubles me when it happens. It has, unfortunately, become a habit of mine to react. My reaction is usually screwing up something. This is due to me overthinking something and then thinking some more on it.

Thinking on it, when I am like this, it usually is because I get in a social mood. What I mean by this is I talk to a lot of different people. That then translates to more social cues and interactions. I tend to mess up those two sometimes. I am practicing working on this though.

With more social cues comes more thinking and overanalyzing said cues. Or just missing them completely. That is still super common for me.

I am trying really hard not to overthink stuff. I just do though, and its definitely something that needs work. Then again, I do not know if it is something that can be worked on. It might just be something I deal with from having autism. If so, no big deal, I will just move on. If it is something I can work on, well, then it needs investigated, and ultimately, conquered.

Regardless of how it turns out, it is a trait of mine I would like to work on. To at least better my understanding of the puzzle that is autism.

Depression, why do you keep coming back?

I have been up for three hours and I am being torn down by depression this morning. It might be that I am super anxious and I cannot deal with that either today. I do not know what is wrong with me today. Therefore I am blogging about it. This seems to be a great way for me to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I do not like being depressed, but it seems that being depressed likes me. I have, at least, three episodes a month of crippling depression. Unfortunately, I cannot be depressed today. I have obligations to The Snapper. The student newspaper that I am opinion editor for. Having a sense of nausea and a general bad feeling is not helping the case either.

If I am being honest with myself, I think I am a failure today. I took Rondo out this morning and I could not stay out that long without getting scared. It may sound weird, but the outside is too big for me right now. With that being said, I need to campus today so I can work on my layout for the Snapper. It is the fear that I cannot do those two tasks that I am getting anxious and depressed. It is a vicious cycle taking place right now.

I could use a pep talk, a hug, or just a hello this morning. Even though its almost noon, I still want something. I know, deep down, what is bothering me. I am too afraid to talk about it though with anyone. I do not have the courage to talk about it on here, and I am too afraid to talk about it in therapy or even with a friend. It feels horrible that I cannot even talk about it. I am scared and I do not know what to do.

I have dealt with all kinds of feelings and emotions; not this though. I want to go into more detail, but my anxiety is stopping me in my tracks. I do not want to hurt anyone and I will not hurt anyone. This is because I am not going to talk about it. Maybe I can tomorrow when I go into therapy, but I cannot right now. I do not even know if I will be able to tomorrow.

My therapists and I have good relationships. I know it is their jobs to listen, but I feel like I have built up a rapport with both of them. They have known me for almost 12 years for the first one and about two for the second one. Sufficient to say, they know me pretty well. I do not want to sabotage either of those relationships. I know, logically, that this would never happen. They are both there to help and give advice, but the illogical side of my brain is saying that sabotage is inevitable in this situation.

I need to suppress the illogical side of my thinking. I am an overthinker and I need to stop doing that. I do not want to be impulsive, but I want to be in the happy middle of overthinking and being impulsive.

The depression is still there, but I think I can get out of the house now. Hopefully, I will be able to function around people today as well. The whole time that I was writing this blog post, I was fighting with myself. I defeated my anxiety for now. I know it will come back sooner or later, preferably later, but I will deal with it at that point. I will not worry about impending anxiety.

Sharing switch up/ Anyone out there?

It seems that I have times when my writing is horrible. Then, on other occassions, my writing is almost flawless.

I am looking mainly at the times that I write. The blog post that I posted earlier this afternoon was written Friday night and scheduled. With that in mind, I am going to do an experiment. To try to find out when my writing is at it’s best and when it’s at it’s worst. My hypothesis is that writing later in the day means it will be a better quality.

So, I am writing this post at 9:52 PM on Saturday night. I am going to schedule for tomorrow at noon tomorrow.

Now, for some updates. I have been having issues as of late. I do not want to go into specifics because of the sensitivity of the issue. If you want to know more, I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about. Even with family, it has been hard to talk about.

Sufficient to say, I am torturing myself over something that I did. The guilt is piling up and grows greater every day. I am going to intensive therapy right now about this and getting the help I need.

If anyone who reads this suffers from autism and is willing to talk to me about a sensitive issue, could you please contact me? I want to talk to someone older than me and more experienced than me. I’m 26 just for reference. I want to get insight from someone on the spectrum.

I feel it’s necessary for me to talk to someone else on the spectrum. Thank you for any help that I might get.

Why am I so worried?

Obi-wan may have been sarcastic in the gif that I used above, but I am doing a good job, yet I have been having doubts as of late about myself and it is affecting my daily life in unproductive ways.

I am always worried that I am failing at something. It does not have to be anything concrete either, it can be something like life.

An example of a thought that I had the other day, “I am failing at life.” I know that this is an absurd statement and I am not failing at life, but I still feel like that sometimes. As of late, I have gotten better at conveying my thoughts and emotions through FaceBook messenger. There are a few people who let me vent to them and help me get through my emotions.

One of those people I developed feelings for and I convinced myself that I had these feelings for a long time. Even though they manifested due to an issue that I was having with someone else that we both knew. I made a fool of myself and I felt I was close to losing a dear friend of mine due to things that I said.

That is another thing that I perceive that I am failing at. That being relationships. Up until now, I have been terrified of being in meaningful relationships and I never truly pursued one, save the one from this past summer that I messed up. The past couple of weeks I have asked two people out. I was turned down by both and I think that caused a catalyst for me. I started behaving differently and I said things that I regret now.

The first girl I asked out was okay with me after the fact and I still would like to believe that we are friends, but there is a voice in the back of my head that says that I messed up any chance I might have had. Just at being friends, not in a romantic sense, and I let that voice’s power grow. That led to the situation with the second girl I asked out. She was kind enough to let me down easy and I appreciated that, but I developed this perverse thought that I could talk to her about anything. No boundaries and I said things and sent her things that I greatly regret. That voice telling me I was failing was in loudspeaker mode at that point.

Then, she forgave me. It was that simple. She forgave me for my stupidity and set boundaries that I would not cross. Even though I feel horrible with how I treated her, I am thankful that the situation happened. It showed me a great many things about myself that I had not realized up until that point.

Those things being that when I become attracted to someone I need to look at my inner self and tell it to slow down and be thoughtful. This is something I was not in the last situation I put myself. The second thing is that I need to really soul search myself. Not just the cursory glance like I usually do, but an in-depth analysis. I have feelings that need to be sorted out. I have habits that need to be broken.

As a result of all of this that has been happening, I have been having nightmares for the past four days. I hope by writing this piece I can stop them. I will let you guys know tomorrow if I have one.

Also, for a fleeting moment, I blamed my autism. It was just a moment, but long enough that I noticed it. I feel half sick that I would blame autism for this. I have beaten autism; at least I thought I had. I refuse to use it as a crutch though. I want to stand on my own and take the responsibility of what I have been doing. A lot of it has been wrong and I am working to fix it.

It’s good that I have recognized that I have a problem that needs to be addressed though and it is something that I can talk to with my support network. It is something that I have to talk with about with my support network.  I need to leave the thoughts I have been having behind and start moving forward. There are things I would like to have and I am working on ways to get those things. I got a job, but I am not sure when I start, but I am really excited for that.

Finances have been an issue for me as of late too. I am on disability and I am having a hard time making ends meet, hence the job. I am just worried about how much I am allowed to make versus my disability income. It seems to be a fine line; one that I need to explore. I also need to cut expenses. I make it sound easy, but it will require me to get rid of things that I love. Such as my magic cards. They hold value and I have need of value, so I will have to start selling some of the more expensive ones. I also need to start budgeting a lot better. I used to just spend money and hope that my parents could bail me out, but that is something that I need to stop doing. I am living in a house separate from them and there is no need for them to have to worry about my finances.

To go back to the title of the post, “Why am I so worried?” I think I have the answer to that question. I am an adult and I have to be responsible to take care of everything on my plate, and if I cannot start taking things off of the plate. Start dedicating more time to productive activities and do things to help me further my goals. It’s going to be a hard adjustment for me, but I know I can do it.

Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it.

 

Ashamed of my own thoughts?

When it comes to sharing my thoughts on mental illness I am not usually one to falter in expressing myself. I have always thought of myself as an advocate for those who have a mental illness. Lately, I feel like I am failing at being an advocate for myself. I have come to terms with autism long ago, but I feel uneasy about other parts of my mind.

I am referencing my high school years and my feelings that I had back then. In direct relation to the most recent school shooting in Parkland. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get, and it has been quite a few days of thinking. I feel ashamed of what I was and I wish there was some way that I could go back and shake myself out of it.

Using a scaling system is probably the best way to describe my mental shortcomings from back then.

Anxiety – 10/10

Depression 10/10

Paranoia – 10/10

Fear – 9/10

Those were the big four for me back then. Specifically when I was 16. It was my junior year in High School. I was always anxious that I was failing at being a good person. That, in turn, depressed me and caused me to fear repercussions. Namely the reemergence of my suicidal thoughts that I had when I was 14. I do not like to think about my ninth and tenth grade years that often, but if I do, I remember the first time I started cutting, the first time I burnt myself, the first time I attempted to kill myself. I hate what I was back then and I am terrified, currently, that it is going to all happen again. I can feel the claws of depression digging at me at this very moment.

I do not currently need a more intensive treatment at this time. The big reason for that is because I am a genius at planning ahead for this kind of thing. I have my support network, I have my family, friends, my roommates, the magic club, the snapper editorial board, my icm, my therapist and psychiatrist, and close friends that I confide in on a daily basis. I am calling out to these people with this post, I need help and I am going to need you to help me get back on my feet. I need to beat the depression once again before it overtakes me one more time.

The first thing that I need to do is tackle the anxiety and the fear. They both feed the paranoia and the depression. What makes me anxious? The question used to be really easy to answer. Being around people was my biggest stressor. That is not saying it still is not a huge stressor sometimes, but its effectiveness at stressing me out has severely diminished over the years.

I think that the dominant stressor now is this: hiccups in social interactions and what to do with said hiccups. What I mean by hiccups are perceived mistakes that I make in conversation or interaction with other people. They could be legitimate mistakes too, I am not above admitting that I am horrible at reading people. I do not understand body language and when I try to read lips, I end up botching it. With this perceived mistakes though, I need a helping hand. I need the people I make these mistakes with to be understanding if they are in my network. I am not a perfect person, but I am striving to do all that I can in learning body language.

A common mistake that I make is when I am talking to girls. This one is embarrassing to admit, but I try to look into peoples eyes when I talk to them. When I talk to a girl that is pretty to me, I cannot hold eye contact. I end up looking directly at their chests and I know that it makes them uncomfortable. It’s not on purpose, I really want to emphasize this. I respect all people and I pride myself on being able to hold eye contact when I am talking to someone. It’s just something that I need to work on. I have no way of getting better at this though, at least that is how I view it. Once I start looking down, I feel embarrassed and try to get away from the conversation so I can privately berate myself for my stupidity. I do not try to make women uncomfortable, I really do not and I do not know what to do about this particular issue.

I could write for hours on what I think my social miscues are, but I do not think that it would be very productive. I think I need to start taking action against myself for this type of behavior.

The second thing that needs to be looked at is my fear levels. They are stable at this point, but I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about them. I have conquered many of my fears lately, but there are still a few that are pretty big obstacles. I have unwarranted fears. Things like fearing that a meteorite will pinpoint my location and surgically hit me so I go into a coma for three years exactly. See how outrageous that sounds. That is the type of thought patterns that my head goes through. It was even worse back in tenth grade though. It was at that point in my life that I had a morbid mind and I would rather not go into specifics of what my thoughts were. Sufficient to say, I needed the hospital at that point. It was not a healthy pattern that I adopted back then.

I am afraid of my old self, to summarize, and I will do anything to not let that person come back. I just need a little help from my friends, as Joe Cocker would say.

Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

I am able to talk about myself. Rather easily to be quite honest. Today, I did not really want to, but I did anyway. The reason that I did this is because I want to advocate for those with autism and all disabilities. Being autistic makes that hard sometimes.

Continue reading Just not the best day to be a introvert/ extrovert

Can you not be angry?

Temperamental. short-fused, hot-head, these are all words that have never been used to describe me. The reasoning is simple, I rarely get angry. I know that I have posted a couple times about being angry, but I think it is a good thing. When I should have been angry, this is in the past, I bottled up my anger.

When the bottle got full

When I did get angry enough to say something, it was always an explosion. Shouting, tears and everything that goes with a meltdown burst from that bottle. Terrifying is a good way to describe me when the bottle bursts open. Fortunately, that doesn’t happen often. I have come to terms with the fact that anger is not wholly negative.

Anger, in my belief, is the mind’s way of saying something is not right and you need to know it. If I can filter my anger into a change in the way I act, I would be able to do better when I become angry. Like I said, I do not get angry often. I get frustrated and confused, but anger is not something I experience a lot of.

Where does Autism fit in?

That is something that I have been considering for a long time. I can say I have no idea and be telling the truth, but I want to brainstorm for a little and see if I can figure something out. With autism there are moments that happen that are referred to as meltdowns. It is my understanding, since I have never had one, that a child with autism does not comprehend and does not understand something and it upsets them. It could also be a trigger for the child that causes the meltdown. I applaud the parents of children with autism on this. It is a superstar effort to be able to help your child when they are having a meltdown.

I do not think that a meltdown in anger though. It is confusion and a lack of emotional experience. That is something that I have noticed with treatment for autism. I do not know the scientific terms for all of this so I am going to do my best with what words I know.

Doctors who treat people with autism always try to treat the autism and not the person. That is the wrong approach. If you focus exclusively on the disorder, you lose the person and their abilities. I remember in one of my college courses this is called the medical model. If the medical model is the prevalent way to treat people with autism, I think it should be changed.

Autism can not be cured at this point in time. What I think doctors, psychiatrists and therapists should focus on is living with autism. Try to figure out ways to cope with having autism and do not treat it like a personal defect.

I realize that I changed the topic and I apologize. Excitement over this topic is really high for me right now, and I think I can round it out to deal with anger. Just like everyone else people with autism can become angry. Some of us might have short fuses, others have longer fuses. What I am saying is that autism is just another thing that a person has to deal with.

In my next post I am going to go a little bit more in-depth with the treatment of autism and how I think it should change. I will also be doing a more in-depth explanation of anger and autism. It is a worthy endeavor and I want to do research before I start writing about it. The last thing I want to do is to give false information.

Thank you so much for reading!

I want to be social, but I do not know how 

I am having a predicament. I am lonely almost all of the time. I want to hang out with friends, but I do not know how to approach anyone. Almost everything that I do socially was an invitation sent to me. I have never been an instigator in social interactions. 

I want to fix this, yet I do not know if it is something I should fix. Conflicted is a good way to put it. I spend a lot of my time alone and it is something that I am used to. I do not mind it though. Except for today. I want to be out doing something with myself. I do not want to be home watching Star Wars right now. I know that came as a shock to some of you who know me personally. 

Anyways, I have been doing research and I think that I am going to try to get a job at Millersville University. That is where I go to school. If anything it will give me something else to do during school. I am afraid that I will become lonely like I was last semester. 

It has to be a job on campus too. Due to financial reasons I am only going part time. So I see no reason I cannot get a small job.

I hope you are not bored. I just wanted to write something and I wanted to blog. I am going to be putting up some new stuff soon about autism. Thanks for being patient.

I’m worn out, and it’s only Monday, I think

I am tired of being tired, but I have no idea how to not be tired. Being someone who cares a lot about a lot of different things, this should not come as a surprise to me. Getting emotionally invested in something can be rewarding, but also tiring.

What to do?

There are a few steps that I can think of that I can take. Number one being letting some stuff go. I am invested in a variety of things and may be stretching myself too thin. Organizing my time would also be helpful. My timekeeping skills are good, I just need to be practical when scheduling out my day. To be honest, I need to start doing that on paper, not just in my head. I have no self discipline and I need to teach myself how to respect the timer.

Using a timer would be of great benefit to me. I need to know what time it is all the time anyway, why don’t I just use a timer for my activities. I don’t think it would be hard to implement. Like I said above, I just need to respect the timer. When it goes off I need to look at my schedule and do the next thing. It will be good for the sake of efficiency. Which is also a thing that is making me tired.

Efficient, but what work do you do?

Sometimes I am told desk work is not real work. I don’t think I could get it through the people who say this head’s that desk work is still work. It does not have to be physically taxing to be considered work. At my internship I feel like I get what I need to get done, done and then I meticulously proof-read and edit. This needs to be applied to my everyday life.

That brings me to a question. What do you guys feel the quality of my blog is? Is it helping you or is it just a glorified journal for me?

Back to the topic at hand, I know that I can be efficient, but for some reason I cannot be at home. I do not know what my problem is here that I cannot commit to being efficient. This might be something worth looking into. At my internship I am know what needs done and I do it, but at home I have no direction, so I end up playing games way too much. I am not saying games are bad, but I have put too much time into them lately.

Physical Symptoms?

I am aware of the physical symptoms attached to weariness, and I have most of them. It is something that I am working on and something I hope to update you guys on soon.

Physical stuff is factor, there is no doubt there, and I know what needs to happen for all of those contributors to go away.

With that said I am going to go to bed now, I started writing this around 12 last night, so I am tired. Have a good day!