Battling the darkness inside my soul

I have a history of darkness in regards to my thoughts and feelings. Wishing wrongs upon innocents were a frequent attraction at the carnival that was my mind, but the worst offenses in my own mind were against myself.

Struggling alone was my past-time in High School, but once I got into the 12th grade I started a metamorphosis of thought. I made a couple of friends that I still cherish greatly. I do not talk to some of them much anymore, but their assistance in my mental health was and, for some of them, continue to be a constant light against the darkness that I feel. To those that still put up with me, thank you.

As of this post, the darkness that I feel is getting greater. I am taking steps to stop this descent and I am confident that I will claw my way out of this pit. It is hard for me to feel optimistic right now though. On a scale, which is a form of measurement I detest, I am an 8/10 on depression and an average of 10 out of 10 for my anxiety.

I have so many people that I know also struggling, and I want them to know I understand the pain they are feeling. I want to help them as much as I want to help myself. I have noticed that when I help others, I feel better and I live for that feeling. A feeling of euphoria takes me and it is a feeling, unlike anything I have ever experienced.

This darkness is not new to me and I want to use this event of darkness to exploit the darkness. I want to break the darkness that has a grip on me. I think that I need to break this feeling of self-hatred. This feeling of loathing for myself and the feeling of disrespect that I have for myself. I do not respect myself and I do not think I ever had.

I do not take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. As far as actual spiritual growth, I do not mean religion. I would rather not go into a religious debate either.

My spiritual growth has come in ways that are hard to explain. It has suffered lately and I think that stems from my lack of faith in humanity. That same of lack of faith has impacted everything in my life and I realize that building myself around the troubles of others is not healthy for me, but I need to and I will continue to do so. We are a large group of people. Humanity I mean, and I always find it really hard to understand the hate that exists in the world. I am no person to step up and fix the issues that are plaguing that world.

The long and short of this post is that I let environmental factors that I have no control over bother me. I need to focus closer to myself, but how can I? I need to help and I think that might be the issue. I want to help so badly that I sabotage my own care, and that is not good. Realizing this will definitely help as I walk down this road that I have established for myself.


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