I have been struggling lately with my depression. As I am, once again, slipping into a downward spiral I am caught by a notion that has given me pause. My thoughts are broken; comparable to that of a broken-down car. Why can they not be fixed?
The answer is, to me, is obvious at once. Thoughts are similar to the nature of the durability of a car. Thoughts degenerate over time if not properly cared for. The same of a car’s functioning parts. Then, as this notion fills my awareness, another one pops in that becomes disheartening.
Using the car analogy; is it worth fixing the broken down car? Can there be a complete overhaul of the car? Turning it into a marvel of modern engineering? I think the answer will always be yes, yet the thought persists and I look at it from both sides. Sometimes cars need to be scrapped for parts.
With the analogy of parts, I think that I can apply the concept to my thoughts. I cannot repair my thoughts; as they are depressing and they are fleeting at times, but like cars hold value in restoration and refinement. With thoughts that are depressing, I can reshape those thoughts. Think of it as scrapping the thoughts to rebuild something better. Taking the good, mainly the critical thinking, I get from my brooding and depressive nature and using that to look at happier things in my life.
I have a good thing going in my life and it is looking up. Depression, I need to realize, is a chronic illness that needs methodical and precise repair and treatment. Similar to that of a car. I need to take my medications and need to realize that there is an established support network that I have built up over the years. They are willing to help me and I need to accept that help and reach out. I want to note that I am and have been taking my medications as directed by my doctors and it is not a cause of concern. Pill shaming is an issue that I want to cover in the blog sometime, but now is not the time.
To those that are a part of the massive support network I have; I thank you for all that you do and I would not be here for some of you. Some of you have helped me from the brink of suicide and did not even know it. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I do not say that to cause concern; I am nowhere close to feeling like that and if I was I pledge to you that I would get help.
I want to start daily postings on the site; even though I know I cannot keep up with my current schedule. With that ambitious thought in mind I am going to post my feelings on a scale of 1-10 every post. My depression, anxiety, paranoia, and general mood will be the categories. I do not want there to be alarm if my anxiety or any of the categories are above a six. I have you guys and if I need the help I will get it. Thank you my friends.