I have been up for three hours and I am being torn down by depression this morning. It might be that I am super anxious and I cannot deal with that either today. I do not know what is wrong with me today. Therefore I am blogging about it. This seems to be a great way for me to deal with my depression and anxiety.
I do not like being depressed, but it seems that being depressed likes me. I have, at least, three episodes a month of crippling depression. Unfortunately, I cannot be depressed today. I have obligations to The Snapper. The student newspaper that I am opinion editor for. Having a sense of nausea and a general bad feeling is not helping the case either.
If I am being honest with myself, I think I am a failure today. I took Rondo out this morning and I could not stay out that long without getting scared. It may sound weird, but the outside is too big for me right now. With that being said, I need to campus today so I can work on my layout for the Snapper. It is the fear that I cannot do those two tasks that I am getting anxious and depressed. It is a vicious cycle taking place right now.
I could use a pep talk, a hug, or just a hello this morning. Even though its almost noon, I still want something. I know, deep down, what is bothering me. I am too afraid to talk about it though with anyone. I do not have the courage to talk about it on here, and I am too afraid to talk about it in therapy or even with a friend. It feels horrible that I cannot even talk about it. I am scared and I do not know what to do.
I have dealt with all kinds of feelings and emotions; not this though. I want to go into more detail, but my anxiety is stopping me in my tracks. I do not want to hurt anyone and I will not hurt anyone. This is because I am not going to talk about it. Maybe I can tomorrow when I go into therapy, but I cannot right now. I do not even know if I will be able to tomorrow.
My therapists and I have good relationships. I know it is their jobs to listen, but I feel like I have built up a rapport with both of them. They have known me for almost 12 years for the first one and about two for the second one. Sufficient to say, they know me pretty well. I do not want to sabotage either of those relationships. I know, logically, that this would never happen. They are both there to help and give advice, but the illogical side of my brain is saying that sabotage is inevitable in this situation.
I need to suppress the illogical side of my thinking. I am an overthinker and I need to stop doing that. I do not want to be impulsive, but I want to be in the happy middle of overthinking and being impulsive.
The depression is still there, but I think I can get out of the house now. Hopefully, I will be able to function around people today as well. The whole time that I was writing this blog post, I was fighting with myself. I defeated my anxiety for now. I know it will come back sooner or later, preferably later, but I will deal with it at that point. I will not worry about impending anxiety.