Ashamed of my own thoughts?

When it comes to sharing my thoughts on mental illness I am not usually one to falter in expressing myself. I have always thought of myself as an advocate for those who have a mental illness. Lately, I feel like I am failing at being an advocate for myself. I have come to terms with autism long ago, but I feel uneasy about other parts of my mind.

I am referencing my high school years and my feelings that I had back then. In direct relation to the most recent school shooting in Parkland. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get, and it has been quite a few days of thinking. I feel ashamed of what I was and I wish there was some way that I could go back and shake myself out of it.

Using a scaling system is probably the best way to describe my mental shortcomings from back then.

Anxiety – 10/10

Depression 10/10

Paranoia – 10/10

Fear – 9/10

Those were the big four for me back then. Specifically when I was 16. It was my junior year in High School. I was always anxious that I was failing at being a good person. That, in turn, depressed me and caused me to fear repercussions. Namely the reemergence of my suicidal thoughts that I had when I was 14. I do not like to think about my ninth and tenth grade years that often, but if I do, I remember the first time I started cutting, the first time I burnt myself, the first time I attempted to kill myself. I hate what I was back then and I am terrified, currently, that it is going to all happen again. I can feel the claws of depression digging at me at this very moment.

I do not currently need a more intensive treatment at this time. The big reason for that is because I am a genius at planning ahead for this kind of thing. I have my support network, I have my family, friends, my roommates, the magic club, the snapper editorial board, my icm, my therapist and psychiatrist, and close friends that I confide in on a daily basis. I am calling out to these people with this post, I need help and I am going to need you to help me get back on my feet. I need to beat the depression once again before it overtakes me one more time.

The first thing that I need to do is tackle the anxiety and the fear. They both feed the paranoia and the depression. What makes me anxious? The question used to be really easy to answer. Being around people was my biggest stressor. That is not saying it still is not a huge stressor sometimes, but its effectiveness at stressing me out has severely diminished over the years.

I think that the dominant stressor now is this: hiccups in social interactions and what to do with said hiccups. What I mean by hiccups are perceived mistakes that I make in conversation or interaction with other people. They could be legitimate mistakes too, I am not above admitting that I am horrible at reading people. I do not understand body language and when I try to read lips, I end up botching it. With this perceived mistakes though, I need a helping hand. I need the people I make these mistakes with to be understanding if they are in my network. I am not a perfect person, but I am striving to do all that I can in learning body language.

A common mistake that I make is when I am talking to girls. This one is embarrassing to admit, but I try to look into peoples eyes when I talk to them. When I talk to a girl that is pretty to me, I cannot hold eye contact. I end up looking directly at their chests and I know that it makes them uncomfortable. It’s not on purpose, I really want to emphasize this. I respect all people and I pride myself on being able to hold eye contact when I am talking to someone. It’s just something that I need to work on. I have no way of getting better at this though, at least that is how I view it. Once I start looking down, I feel embarrassed and try to get away from the conversation so I can privately berate myself for my stupidity. I do not try to make women uncomfortable, I really do not and I do not know what to do about this particular issue.

I could write for hours on what I think my social miscues are, but I do not think that it would be very productive. I think I need to start taking action against myself for this type of behavior.

The second thing that needs to be looked at is my fear levels. They are stable at this point, but I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about them. I have conquered many of my fears lately, but there are still a few that are pretty big obstacles. I have unwarranted fears. Things like fearing that a meteorite will pinpoint my location and surgically hit me so I go into a coma for three years exactly. See how outrageous that sounds. That is the type of thought patterns that my head goes through. It was even worse back in tenth grade though. It was at that point in my life that I had a morbid mind and I would rather not go into specifics of what my thoughts were. Sufficient to say, I needed the hospital at that point. It was not a healthy pattern that I adopted back then.

I am afraid of my old self, to summarize, and I will do anything to not let that person come back. I just need a little help from my friends, as Joe Cocker would say.

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