Regret? No, not really

I decided something today after yesterday’s rant. It has nothing to do with the rant, just consider that a shameless self-plug.

What I decided is that I am going to be honest with myself. I lie to myself a lot, and that is not a good habit to have. The one that comes to mind the most is my weight issues. I am doing great with my weight loss, but I would be lying to say that I have not had my fair share of “cheat days.” There is also the aspect of my romantic life, or should I say lack of. I have been told by a lot of people that I will find someone someday. I believe that, but I am getting to the point where I am becoming discouraged about it.

It all goes back to the regret that hangs over my head about my high school years and my early college career. There were several people that I wanted to get to know better. Not even for base needs, but because I saw something in those people that I thought was special. I was never able to say anything to them because of my anxiety, but I am in contact with some of them still. I wonder what responses I would get now? It is interesting to think about, to say the least.

What always confused me about that was that they initiated contact with me. Whether it be through becoming a friend on Facebook or just saying hello to me. You see, in high school, I was in self-exile due to what I felt I was doing wrong and I would not allow myself to have any friends. Thankfully that changed in my senior year, but the fact remains I forced myself to feel lonely in high school. I was an enigma in high school. I did not talk, socialize, or really participate at all. That thought takes me back to gym class in my sophomore year. This is a year that I would rather forget but for a few moments. My class was running a mile that day and I surprised myself and actually tried. I wanted to beat my time from the freshman year and I did.

I think what helped me do that is that I was being cheered for. I, at the time, had no idea why anyone would ever cheer for me to finish running. I was embarrassed and mad that people were interacting with me. They did not seem to realize how much I hated myself back then. Looking back, I was starving for an interaction of some kind. I was a self-imposed loner and I had it in my head at the time that I hated everyone and everything. This was all except for Star Wars and my music.

One other thing I remember from that year was a particular girl that I never talked to directly but that I always wanted to. I remember one day she looked at me with curiosity. At least I think it was curiosity. I’m not really sure and it doesn’t matter at this point. It was in my driver’s education class and I remember more from that class than that of any other class in high school. All because of one girl’s look of curiosity.  I do not know if it matters right now, but I would have loved to talk to her at least once back then.

Regret is something that I often feel, but I do not feel that right now, as one might think, but just a sense of loss. A lost opportunity to break out of my shell earlier. The shell was about 20 layers deep and only one person ever got through and broke it.

That person turned out to not actually exist, but I digress.

I wish that I could have spent my high school years mostly at high school. All but my senior year, I was in the hospital for mental health issues. I did make a few lasting friends in high school and in the hospital too, but I feel I missed far too much high school.

I lied to myself so much in high school that I believed myself and it cost me a lot. I will say no more to that notion. I am going to be truthful to myself from now on. I know I can do it and I know that it will affect some of my relationships with people good and bad, but this is something that I must do.

Thanks for reading!

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