Conflict amidst the calm

My life is going great right now. It really is. I’m in a new house, I passed my course for the fall semester, I am, by all rights happy.

Yet, there is something in the back of my mind that is bothering me and most of the time, I do not think of it. I cannot put my finger on it and it is hard for me to decipher what feeling it is. Longing or a need, something of that nature, but it is not tangible. Not physical, but emotional.

I do not think of it as looking for love, but a connection. Something less, but aiming for love? I do not think this makes sense, but maybe someone could reach out and tell me what I am trying to say.

Lonely is not the problem either. Fortunately I do not feel like that anymore, I have friends that I trust and that trust me. This feeling has no description and is not directed towards anyone.

I want a meaningful connection, but that feels like I am saying that my current ones are not adequate for me. I have no idea what I am trying to say, I really do not. I wish I did.

My heart aches when I think about this, but there is no one connected to it. Discontent is a good way of describing my current feelings. Not the one I am talking about though. It is frustrating to think about. It feels surreal to think about.

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