Do I have the strength to type this? That will be a question that will plague me throughout writing this post. This one is going going to be heavy and hard for me to type, but I need to get rid of this.
I do not know if some of you remember my post from the beginning of the summer. The one involving someone I love. I figured out why I am so bad at doing that kind of thing, and it has little to do with that person, it has a lot to do with myself and another. I have never publically talked about this, and I am scared to do so.
The year was 2010 and I was just beginning school at Harrisburg Area Community College (HACC.) I was really excited and could not wait to begin a new chapter in my life. What was unbeknownst to me is that I would have a girlfriend shortly after the semester began. It was a short affair, all things considered, but it profoundly affected me and continues to affect me to this day.
I met her through a mutual friend, I use the term met loosely too because I never physically met her. I talked to her a lot though and I developed feelings for her that can only be described as love. We continued to talk and talk, and eventually, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I was madly in love so of course, I said yes.
The relationship was great for a couple weeks, even though I still never got a chance to meet her, but that was something I was hoping to remedy. Events in her life happened thought that caused her to want to break up with me. She said she still loved me, but that she could not be in a relationship with me, I needed to be free of her. That happened on November 10th of 2010. I was upset, but I thought, at the time, that I understood. I told her it was okay and that I would wait for her.
Now, this is where I put myself into a bad light and reveal things about myself that I think women that I like now should know. I do not know if it will change anything in my life, but like I said, I need to get through this to move on.
After the breakup, there was little contact, and I was upset. The little contact grew into no contact whatsoever. Events started occurring that made me think that she was dead or at least moved to Europe or something. I was freaking out. I needed to know if she was okay. I continually sent messages and tried calling to no avail. I needed this closure and I never got it. The more I thought about it the more I did irrational things to try to figure out what happened. I became obsessed with figuring out what happened.
There is that word again, obsessed. It seems that is what happens when I fall for someone. Anyway, like I was saying, I was doing irrational things. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never existed in the first place and that she was the creation of someone else. I still do not know to this day if that is true or not, and it eats away at me for the whole month of November. This happened seven years ago and I need to get closure, but I am not closer to closure than I was in 2010.
The whole situation has affected me negatively and I think the ripple effects of it are still happening. I need to remove myself from the whole situation and just forget. That is the problem though, I had strong feelings for her and not knowing if she even existed is hard for me to even attempt to have closure. I do not know what to do. I really do not.
If I knew the answers to this mystery, maybe I could have closure, but I still have a yearning to know if she is okay. I cling to the last thread hoping she will contact me, if that were to happen I think I could have some closure, but I am not sure. If she did not even exist, I do not know what to do. I need help with this.
That is part of the reason I finally wrote this piece. I need this closure like I have been saying, and I think that writing this will help me attain this closure. I need to do this, for my own sanity. Seven years I have been dealing with not knowing, and I need to either stop caring or find a way to finish what I started.
Thank you to everyone that read this, I really appreciate it. Sorry I have not been posting as much. I plan to remedy that issue. I want to let everyone know that I am in a good state of mind now, and that writing this post was therapeutic for me. So please, do not worry, I will be fine.