Too scared to talk

“I’m not alright.”

That is something that I should say more often. I do not though. I am concerned with how other people feel so I make myself miserable. I have not been using WordPress lately either. That is because there are people that I am with a lot that do not want me talking to the “world-wide-web.” They do not want me to talk about them on here because it makes them look bad.

It does not have anything to do with him now though, so I am going to vent. I am going to tell the internet how I feel.

Sideways note: I feel angry right now and when I am angry I get depressed to a point that some would not consider safe. I want to assure everyone who reads that I will not do anything to harm myself or others. I am creating a contract of sorts with you. Thank you for holding me to the last one I made. I appreciate it. It seems that this contract helps, so I will continue to do this when I need to.

My depression is high right now. About a nine out of ten. My anxiety is maxed out. Similar to using the contract as a coping mechanism; writing in this blog helps out those two feelings. In a the span it took to write I was angry above, I have become like this. The anger is gone and I am just worn out.

The reason this could be is scary to me. I have family history of mood swings and that is what is happening in my opinion. Mood swings are hard for me to deal with and I do not experience them often. Not to this point at least. Experiencing a change in mood due to environmental influencers is not a mood swing to me. A mood swing is when you have a dramatic change in mood for no apparent reason. Now, I admit, I am calmed down after becoming angry and my clarity of focus is much higher. So, I do not know if I have mood swings or not.

I have been told many times by a couple people that I understand my emotions incredibly well. That being true or not has been a subject of debate for myself. Regardless, I know emotion and I understand why I feel the way I do a lot of the time. I guess my therapist is right. I do understand my emotions.

I am sorry for the rambling, but I use this as a public diary. As such, I do not rewrite most things, and I leave everything the way I wrote it without editing. With the exception of grammar and some instances of passive voice.

I am not going to push anyone under the bus with this post, that burned me before and is part of the real reason that I do not use this as much anymore. Just know that I am okay now. I am going to stay away from the people who cause me stress for the rest of the day.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate the support from this community that I have stumbled upon. I am sorry for being absent.

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