My fear of Failure has Manifested today

I know that the title of the post sounds ominous and cryptic, but I want to let you know that the content is more of a revelation. A rebuilding of myself that I can only express through writing. I am not good at talking so I resort to this. A social media platform that lets me voice my concerns. After the last post, that I have deleted, was published I faced lashback that I justly deserved. I painted my family as monsters and I want them to know I am sorry. I cannot say that though because I am currently having passive panic attacks. My anxiety is easily 20/10 and my depression is not far behind. My paranoia is very high and my fear is also high. I have myself shut up in my room hoping that I can get this all type before I lose my gumption. I am terrified right now that I have failed as a person and I am not worthy of anyone’s praise or admiration.

The reason I am terrified is because of my social anxiety. It seems it has developed to extend to my family. I am loathe to say this because it hurts me deeply and I feel horrible about it. They are my biggest supporters and I could not have gotten this far without them. I am thankful to have them. They have their quirks, just like I have mine. My last post hurt them and I am sorry that I let my anger control me. It was not righteous anger, it was malicious anger that I have been bottling up for the duration of my college stay.

College is what made me angry, not my parents, not my grandparents and certainly not my brother. I wanted to hurt them and I am terrified that I have burnt a bridge that cannot be easily repaired. I need to earn back their trust. I know I do not deserve that though. I feel, right now, like a horrible person. I blew up things way out of proportion and forgot all that I have. I am not used to being angry though. The excuse probably sounds hollow to a lot of you, but I rarely get angry and when I do, stuff like this happens.

One last time I would like to apologize to my family. They did not deserve what I did to them. I am sorry.

While we are on the subject of anger I want to also examine my anger and go over it. I want to delve into what made it tick and I want to try to prevent it from happening again. I need to get angry more I think. I need to get riled up and I need to do something about it at the time it happens and not rant about it on a WordPress blog months later.

I want the parties that I discuss to understand something before I do this though. This is in no way to make you look bad; I just need to do this for my own sanity. Just thirty minutes ago I would say I was suicidal. I am not saying that to scare anyone; I just want you to understand the severity of what I have went through today and days before. I will not use names and I will try my best to be vague with descriptions. I am sorry if this is too much, I just need to do this.

Also, please understand something about autism. It is a developmental and social hindrance to those who have it. I will not say disorder, because that makes it sound like it is something wrong. It is in no way wrong to be autistic. No one chooses to have autism, no one is happy having autism. Not to be confused with the fact that those with autism are not happy. I do not want to lob all the people with autism into that, but we are people just like everyone else. We have feelings, thoughts and faults. I, myself, have a lot of faults. Or should I say quirks? Either way there are things I do in how I act that are not up to snuff.

Back to the anger bit. I have not been truly angry since I was 19, which was six years ago. Back then I was attending a community college and I was doing good grade wise. I had not had to drop out at that point yet either. This was two years before that. I had been in a mental institution the summer prior and I was doing very well for myself. Then I kind of met someone. When I say kind of I mean through the internet and through texting. I will not disclose her name. I talked to her for what seemed like a lifetime and I fell in love with this person. Now note this is all when I was 19 so I really had no concept of love at the time, but at that time I was hooked on this girl. I never got to physically meet or hear her voice though. This was something that put a great strain on our relationship. I wanted to meet her very badly and I never got to. She cut things off before things got too far and I was devastated. She was very sick though and she was going to Europe to get medical treatment. I understood from that perspective, but like I said I was devastated.

Being the person I like to think of myself as I was very concerned and wanted to keep contact while she was in Europe. We had one message and I never heard from her again. It has been six years since that happened. In the ensuing year I found out things in a sequence of events that practically destroyed me. It was the second time I tried to kill myself. As a result of what I am about to tell you.

I thought she died. In my head, which was very irrational at the time, I thought she went to Europe, could not get the medical help she needed and that she died. I was heartbroken and, like I stated earlier, tried to kill myself. This was a year after so I was 20 at the time. What actually happened is hard for me to believe, but it is the only sound conclusion that I can come to. I was lied to. The first girl never existed and was only a fabrication to turn me into a sort of plaything. I do not know if it got out of control and the second girl tried to get me to stop being obsessed with the now in question reality of the first girl. She might have done this out of regret and came up with the Europe story. The reason that the first girls reality came into question was because of my obsessive behaviour. I was messaging the first girl’s telephone number practically everyday and I was not stopping for about five months. I was getting very concerned that the first girl was not in good shape so I did something only a irrational mind could think up. I reverse called the number. I found out exactly where the texts were originating from and I was devastated with the result. They were coming from where the second girl lived. Now this is all speculation for what I am about to say after this, but the above is fact as I know it.

I think I was played. I was very angry when I found out about this, and I was also suicidal as a result of it. I do not know if it is right to blame the second girl for what happened to me as a result of my suicide attempt, but I went to the hospital for something else and just got through my suicide attempt with the help I got there. But I never told them I tried to commit suicide while I was in there. I was under the falsehood that I needed to protect the first and second girl.

That was a lot. Maybe too much, but talking about that has lifted a heavy weight from my soul. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. This whole year at college has been miserable for me. I know why now. I am not comfortable sharing that at all, but I think I have made more progress with this post than I have in a long time. I finally got all of that off of my chest. So unlike the title states, consider this post a manifestation of my success and a increase in my understanding about myself.

Also, please let me be for the time being. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to do it alone.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s