Don’t know how I feel, but I am confused now, please help

I did an exercise in mindfulness today. I have done soul searching and I have examined myself. I have looked at past interactions and I have come to a conclusion about myself. I am obsessive. Not just about Star Wars either, but everything that I take a vested interest in. Whether it be a person or a book, a comic series or a fictional character, I become so invested mentally that it becomes unhealthy. It used to not be a problem, because it was never centered on people. I was obsessed with Star Wars and other fictitious things. It was harmless and never impacted anyone. I became so invested in Star Wars that a hunger manifested that made me want to know everything about it. I never saw that as a bad thing.

That has, unfortunately, changed. My obsessive behaviour has extended to people now. It took the person I was obsessed with telling me that I was being obsessive with her for me to stop. At least I hope I have stopped. I look back at my behaviour and I know she is right. I used social media to fuel my obsession. I would ‘like’ everything she posted and I would never quit using my phone to see if she saw my messages. I need to change if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship with anyone. I think I have burned this bridge beyond repair and while that leaves me heartbroken, I have accepted it.

I need to learn from this and try to make myself a better person. I do not know how to put my thoughts into practice though. That terrifies me too. I do not want to ask for help with this because, in my head, the only person I can ask is the person I became obsessed with. It is sickening to me to think that I think like this. I need to change. I need to become what I aspire to be and not what I was. I still do not know how to do this. So, what I am asking for is suggestions from you guys. Especially people with autism who are also obsessed with something. How have you broke your habit, if you have? I do not feel healthy in the head because of this. I think I am some sort of freak. A stalker and someone who deserves to be in prison. I hurt someone I cared about and I did it all to fulfill this need that I had. I cannot explain it. Just like I cannot explain the love I feel for Star Wars. It is just apart of me, but it shouldn’t be. The obsession of another person in very unhealthy for me and I do not know what to do about it at all. So please, help me.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Thoha Etsai says:

    Here’s a thing that I think marked a turning point for me: I spent enough time thinking on one of my obsessions and thinking about what it meant to me…how did it reflect my present situation, my aspirations, and my path to achieving them. I don’t know that it could prove to be universally applicable, but maybe sitting with your obsessions and thinking on how they fit your life in those ways could be beneficial
    https://sothisisautism.wordpress.com/2017/04/06/self-loathing-and-self-acceptance-in-which-i-am-a-big-fat-nerd/#more-36

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    1. I appreciate the comment. A lot. It has given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

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      1. Thoha Etsai says:

        Keep us posted..I really do believe our modern mythologies can teach us some things about finding our way.

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  2. Thoha is right on. Also, stories are designed to be thought about, even to the point of obsession. They help us make sense of things.
    People aren’t put together the same way as fictional characters. Their motivations don’t always make sense, even to themselves. Your idea of another person is a story YOU make up, but might not be anything close to the way they see themselves. And vice versa. We live inside our own stories but are only characters in the stories of those around us.

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