Over the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. These have ranged from despair to love. That is part of the reason I have not been posting regularly. I have also been suffering from severe depression over the past couple weeks.
To give some background on the situation, I would have to go back a couple of years ago. I am skeptical of my ability to share with you what I experienced at that point in my life. It brings up a lot of emotion from me and I do not think I can do it this time. Another time perhaps.
Regardless, it was a painful time for me. I made it through though, but I do not think I have fully recovered from it.
I believe that I have failed myself in something very personal. I have betrayed my own ideals and my own code. I had a moment of weakness that I do not feel I can atone for. This has been contributing to my depression levels greatly and I am beating myself up about it. I tried to fix it, but I cannot and I have stopped trying. I am resigned to this failure and I want to be very clear that it is my mistake. No one else’s. I am the one who had an error in judgement and hurt someone. I am the one who has failed. My love has been destroyed at its very foundation, by my own hand and I feel numb all the time now. I said something that was completely out of line and wrong.
If I try to explain to myself that people make mistakes and that is the way it is, I hate myself even more. I cannot use any excuse. Autism has nothing to do with it, and I truly feel like a complete failure. I tried to explain myself and my explanation sounds hollow even to me. I feel remorse for it, and I cannot begin to apologize enough. I do not know what posting this will do for the situation, but my outlook is grim to say the least. If I use the excuse that I need to get it off my chest, that doesn’t work. It will never work. I love someone very deeply and I think I have failed her in my attempts to let her know. Let me rephrase that. I did it wrong. I used me having autism as a way to explain it. I said I was obsessed. I knew that the person in question already has had some hard times and I think that I just screwed stuff up even more for her. I do not know for sure though. I have reached out and I have not received a reply. It’s not like I deserve a response though. It’s not in any way her fault though. All I ever did was talk about me, I never asked how she was, how she felt and how she was doing. I was selfish. I focused entirely on my problems. In essence I used her to make myself feel better and I am appalled that I did not see what I was doing.
To be completely honest, I have never dealt with loving someone though. Most people I tolerate their existence and that is pretty much it. I have a handful of friends, but I don’t consider many to be close. I have probably two super close friends. Love though is new territory for me. I do not know how to navigate my feelings and I feel like this is the reason that I screwed up so bad. These feelings are foreign to me. I don’t know what to do with them.