I suffer from extreme anxiety. I think a lot of people know that, but I do not think a lot of people understand what that actually means. With anxiety it is hard to explain, but I think that I am going to try today.
Anxiety, for me, is sweating, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fear, paranoia, and despair. I experience all of these symptoms at the same time in varying degrees. It depends on the type of anxiety for the intensity of each symptom. Now I want to look at the non-physical symptoms closer.
Fear – I become afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid that everyone that I know is going to leave me because they know I am a lost cause. I am afraid that the people that are in my life hate me, I am afraid that I am actually worthless and a lost cause. I am afraid that I cannot do it. That I will not succeed, that I will never be accepted because of my issues, that I cannot be happy. That the affection that I show is never understood and that I am not a good person. That I am actually evil and I really want to kill people. I am afraid of relapsing and going back to the hospital. I am afraid of killing myself. I am afraid that I will kill others. I am afraid that I will hurt others, cripple them, maim them and disfigure them.
I used to have these thoughts and I hate myself for what I did during those parts of my life. I do not want to be like that anymore. I may joke about it now, and I know it is horrible to do so, but that is my way of coping with not becoming that. I used to come up with plans to kill. They were methodical and disturbing. I dedicated too much time in my life on that and I do not want to ever be like that again.
Paranoia – This one is a lot like the fear, but it is more immediate. I feel like I am going to be attacked or something of that nature. I feel like the earth is going to explode because of something that I did. I feel absolute terror that I did something terribly wrong. I will stop whatever it is that I am doing and retreat into myself and it is hard to get me out of this.
Despair – This one is a combination of the first two. It is the hardest to put into words as well. Depression sets in when this happens. A lot more anxiety follows along with many other things. Such as Suicidal Ideation and homicidal ideation. I want to make it clear that the last two are hardly ever an issue that I deal with and if I were to deal with them, I would get the right help that I would need. I have a crisis plan and I will enact it if necessary. I am stable enough in the mind to see these symptoms and call for help when I need it. Thankfully I have not needed to do this for six years. The last time was when I was 19 and I am now 25. The despair that I feel now is a combination of fear and anxiety that I will revert to what I described above. Every time that I experience an extreme amount of anxiety I get to the point where I despair over this.
All that I have described has become a draining experience and unfortunately I have been experiencing this every day for the past few days. Despite this I will persevere. I just need a long pep talk from someone who understands. I am trying to find that someone. Part of the reason I am posting this today also. As I said in a post earlier this week, I need to rely on the support network that I have built for myself. It is very large and I need to take advantage of it.
I do not want anyone to worry about me. If you want to help me, make contact. Talk to me, and I will talk to you. It means a lot that you would take time out of your day and help me. It means the world to me and it is happening more often lately. I am really happy to say that too. There are a lot of caring people in my world and I am proud of those who have helped me.
This semester at school has been trying and sometimes impossible to deal with. I am thankful that I am able to stay on campus though. I think that I need the social interaction that I am getting. It has proven itself to be invaluable in opening my shell up. The shell is still there, and it will take a lot more to break it.
Thank you for reading the whole thing if you got this far. Sorry, I tend to ramble on. Like I said though, if you want to talk, I am always available. It doesn’t have to be about anything either. If you just want to vent I am here. I listen a lot better than I talk, and I want to offer that service to others. This may seem to be odd to some of you though. Why would helping others help me? It is quite simple actually. I need to help, I need to know that I have a purpose. Helping others is that purpose. Thanks for reading.