I have many scars. Some were done intentionally, while some were purely accidental. The ones that were intentional is what I want to look at tonight.
The first one is part of a series of self inflicted wounds. The instrument that I used went too deep and caused the scar. I say ‘instrument’ mainly because I don’t want to experience the pain all over again. The emotional pain was so heavy with this one. I felt as though I was abandoned to suffer and no one cared. Even now, just typing, my heart is heavy with guilt. Still, 7 years later. I do not know if I will ever be able to divulge what truly made me cut myself all that week, but I do not want to think about it right now. I think I need to though, but I am scared. I am afraid of what I will type, what the repercussions might be. I never showed anyone this scar and I do not plan to anytime soon.
The second one is very emotional for me and I do not want to talk about it. It is on my inner, left arm, near my elbow. Maybe someday, but not today.
My third scar is the main one I wanted to talk about. It occupies a special place on my body. That being my heart. I remember multiple times where I have been asked if I had a super power, what would it be? My answer is always the same: reality manipulation. I am so consumed with my perceived mistakes that I feel I made in the past that I wish for a reset sometimes. That is the scar, wanting to start over my life on more than one occasion due to my emotional whims. Sonetimes, it sickens me to even think about it. I want to apologize to the people this has affected, but I am too afraid to. I am not even sure these people know what I put myself through. I put myself in My my own personal hell and my physical scars have nothing on this. I tortured myself mentally for 10 years trying to change, but I couldn’t change. I didnt need to change it turns out, but I could not convince myself of this. 20 years I hated myself and I am just now breaking free of my torture. There are two people who I can thInk for this, but I won’t mention their names. I do not want to cause undue embarrassment for them. They do not even realize what just their presence in my life means, regardless of how small it is. I love both of these people, but I know the feelings are not reciprocated, and that is fine. As long as I know they are okay, I am happy. If either of you read this, I am truly sorry for any embarrassment this causes.