I’m scared tonight. I don’t really feel comfortable letting those closest to me know. Not much they can do anyways, besides offering words of encouragement.
I am grateful that they are willing to do that. There is that one silver lining. I am terrified of talking to people right now, so in My self induced talking exile, I am writing. Not just on here, but on my notepad and Labtop.
I wrote stories tonight that will never see the light of society. I am slightly ashamed of how bad the writing is. I re-read the stories though and I found small comforts in them. My fantasy life is much more prolific than my real one, but I find myself trying to translate it to reality. In my current mood, it will never happen.
This fantasy world, or worlds, I should say, is what happens when I have failed in the past. The world’s though consider what I did wrong and what I feel I should have done. Scenarios go throughout my head in which ways my life could be better if I would have made different choices.
I know that this is a fruitless and detrimental task I have set up for myself. I do not seem to care though. My confidence, or lack thereof, and my willingness to change my habits are supported by this self-esteem killing habit I have.
I realize, at this moment, that this is fixable though. I have the tools to break free of my past. I am cautiously optimistic right now. My confidence is not getting any bigger, but I feel like the dire need to talk is gone. At the time of this typing, it is 11:30 pm on Sunday. I am scheduling this post for 1 tomorrow though, so hopefully more can be exposed to my writing.