I feel lost at this point in my life. I have fallen into a cycle that is mentally unhealthy to say the least. I feel as if everything that I say is a lie, even when I know that it is not. I am concerned for myself and the path that I am walking. I thought going to college and making friends, being social, and going to class would help all this.
I have trouble going to class. I have zero motivation to do so and I want that to change. I have convinced myself that it is the panic, and maybe it is, but I think that if I really wanted to be in class, I would be. Panic attack or not. One week ago, starting February 20th through February 24th, I did not go to class. I was having panic attacks and I felt scared that I would be ridiculed for not being in class. I feel like I should be ridiculed. I am paying for college and I am spitting in the faces of all the people who support me by not going to class.
I really hate that I come up with excuses that I shouldn’t go. I even go as far to make myself sick just so I don’t ‘have’ to go. It’s very unhealthy. I need help and I need to let people who can help me know how screwed up I really am. I hate myself and I hate everything that defines me. I have no self confidence and I am constantly angry with myself. I feel sick just writing this. It feels like I can’t take it. That I cannot do it on my own.
I don’t think I can do it on my own. I need help. I need a helping hand to direct me. I need to not break down anymore. I need to accept that I am having a hard time. I need to calm down. I need to let people I care about know how much I care. I just need to do these things and I am too afraid to.
I need some sort of intervention or else I am going to be kicked out of school for my grades. I don’t want this, I want to write and be a journalist. I want to inform the public, and I want them to trust me. I don’t feel like I have earned that trust.
I am sorry that I was incoherently typing, but you must realize how theraputic this excercise was for me. I decided to do it here so people can understand what panic looks like through words. Not the descrpiction. That doesn’t help, but the actual thought process. I wrote what I was thinking. Granted, I wrote as quickly as I could, but I could not keep up with myself. This is a mental health challenge I deal with daily and think that everyone should understand what is went through. Not just for my benefit though. People need to break this stigma against mental health and the only way that will ever happen is if people understand what we go through. We must as a people break the stigma.