Off the ball, but hopefully not completely sidelined

Over the past month I have had, to the best of my knowledge, 23 panic attacks, 12 depression spikes and two instances of not being able to leave my room. This numbers do not please me and I am doing my best to make progress with lowering the numbers.

I believe that that the panic and anxiety is being being influenced by my math course that I am taking this semester.I have taken steps to try to understand the material better, but I have a preconceived notion that I cannot do math. This is because of my autism. Through a lot of research on autism I found that there are two things that seem to be uniform. There are math and  language comprehension level differences. To use myself as an example, I am atrocious at Math, but I am really good at reading and writing. There is that preconceived notion again. I have fallen for the trap that is self diagnosis it seems. Which is quite frustrating.

I think that if I could shrug off this notion then I would be at least passable in math, but it will take a lot of mindfulness for this to come to fruition.

Which brings me to the actual point of this point. I have become less mindful and more impulsive since getting in college. This is not a good thing at all. I have spent money that I should not have, I have shirked duties, such as homework, to go hang out with friends, and I am loathe to say I have become academically lazy. I need to fix this and I do not know how. I have tried a number of different techniques, but none seem to be working. I get too distracted when trying to do homework or classwork. It is very frustrating.

I want to find someway to keep myself accountable before something happens that impacts me greater than what I can handle. I need to re-prioritize. I realize that this will be hard, but I am coming up with some ideas on how to do this.

At the end of the day, I am not holding myself accountable and I am not doing well in school as a result of this. I need to make changes and I am going to try to start right now.

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