I wish I could say

Today’s post troubles me greatly. The premise is simple: I do not actively seek real help for myself. I do not get to the core of what is truly bothering me and I just seem not to care. I know why this is and it is quite simple actually. I am deathly afraid of help. I think that I, subconsciously, like being in pain emotionally. I know it sounds horrible to say, but it seems to be the truth. I add the ‘seems’ because I am not 100% on my theory. I want to believe it is not true, but I know it is. Right now, my chest is tightening, and my breath is ragged. I cannot think clearly and I am having a panic attack. Through all of it I will continue to write and I will persevere. I am scared right now and I don’t know what to do. The panic is gone now. Instead, physical dread has replaced it. I am going to try to sleep. Someone check on me tomorrow please. I am not suicidal, I make a promise that I am not. I am bound by contract, there is no need to worry about that. I just need to talk. 
Thanks for the help.

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